Those of you who have been following the site for a while will recall that about 6 months ago, I went on a much-needed quest to drop some weight. It was getting to the point that not only were my clothes no longer fitting, but I was seemingly gasping for my last breath when I went out to get the mail. I knew that if I didn’t drop some pounds, I was putting my health severely at risk.
Although dieting was certainly going to be required in my journey to physical fitness, I knew that I desperately needed to start exercising as well. After an exhaustive search, I finally found the one man that could help me lose weight:
“Come on, girls!”
Sure, go ahead, laugh. God knows I did when my wife brought home some tapes form the library featuring, oh yes, RICHARD SIMMONS. Clearly, a guy who Gary Spivey had patterned his hairdo after couldn’t be a real, legitimate weight loss guru, could he?
He could – I dropped 40 pounds flailing my limbs about while sweatin’ to the oldies with the afro’ed adonis and his flabby female friends. Sure, I may have looked like a total jackass, but there could be no denying that his plan was working when I had to buy new clothes because the ones I was too fat for before were suddenly so big I looked like David Byrne in Stop Making Sense.
Sadly, the past few months I have had less time to work out, and the weight has slowly started to creep back on (about six pounds or so, so I’m still way ahead of the game). After putting Richard’s Blast Off back in the VCR again, I came to the conclusion that the thrill was gone – maybe it was time to find a new workout video, one that would help me to drop weight even quicker.
And where better to turn than the world of pro wrestling?
To that end, I have tracked down two elusive workout tapes starring pro wrestlers: Chyna Fitness, starring everyone’s favorite poster gal for plastic surgery, Joanie Laurer, and Warrior Workout #1, featuring the Ultimate Warryah. I have decided to pit these two new tapes against my old favorite, breaking down each into categories, which I’ve outline below.
All right – let’s see if it’s time I put Richard on the shelf once and for all.
Round 1 – Introductions
Richard’s Blast Off
Richard doesn’t waste anytime getting right into the workout. There’s a countdown, some stock footage of a rocket blasting off, and then boom, he’s off, prancing and dancing like a complete loon.
My guess? He probably thinks if he wastes any time giving inspirational speeches, the tubbies watching will come to the conclusion that they have time to run to the kitchen for a Nutty Bar.
God knows I would. My love for you will never die, Little Debbie!
Warrior Workout 1
Warrior’s tape begins with him driving around in his truck.
I am not making this up.
Said truck looks to be a Ford Bronco at least 15 years old, and features a spray paint job of himself covering up the rust.
He proceeds to blather about in an effort presumably designed to be motivational, but sounds more like he’s talking to the guy filming the whole thing. I think at one point he even asked him when he was going to get paid for doing this.
Warrior then asks his invisible passenger if good music helps to pump them up. No answer is given, so Warrior proceeds to push a button on his radio (or maybe an 8-track, given how ancient his vehicle is), which triggers quite possibly the worst music in the history of electronic recording devices.
Chyna Fitness
Much like her autobiography, Chyna’s workout tape features the so-called Ninth Wonder of the World talking about her favorite subject: herself. After about 5 minutes straight of her egomaniacal babbling, she gets tired, and lets a bunch of hideously ugly marks talk about how fabulous she is.
Yeah, this tape isn’t going to get old quick or anything.
Winner: Richard
Although seeing Warrior reduced to driving around in a pile of crap jalopy gives me great amusement, I doubt it would entice me to do any kind of exercise. And the only physical activity Chyna’s blah-blahing inspired me to do was throw a heavy, blunt object through my TV screen. Therefore, Richard kind of wins the opener by default.
Round 2 – Warm Ups
Richard’s Blast Off
Richard opts for a simplistic approach of warming up, using a basic series of stretches to get the muscles ready for the decidedly low-impact workout that follows.
The highlight here is seeing people much, MUCH fatter than you or I will ever be, and realizing, “Hey, if that woman can do this, I damn sure can too!”
Motivation at its finest.
Warrior Workout 1
Warrior ties up his sneakers and tells the camera dude, “No chit chat! We’re here to work out. And don’t do what everyone else is doing, cause they ain’t doing it right!”
He then enters the gym and knocks a weight bench over, and kicks a set of bar bells.
I’m not 100% sure, but I’m guessing if you went to Bally’s and tried to follow Warrior’s regimen, you’d be shown the door in pretty short order.
But then again, everyone else is doing it wrong, so what do they know?
Chyna Fitness
Chyna warms up by kicking and punching the air. In case you’ve never noticed, she’s a very angry person, and apparently not even the atmosphere itself is safe from her wrath.
In between her displays of rage are various clips from WWF matches of her punching male wrestlers in the balls.
And, of course, lots of shots of her sweaty man boobs.
Not sure how this is helping to get me warmed up, but I’ll just nod and smile, praying that Joanie doesn’t hunt me down and smack me in the nutsack.
Winner: Richard
I was tempted to give the nod to the Chyna video, since staring at her heaving chesticles was certainly enough to make me lose all appetite. However, I think in good conscience I will give the nod to Richard again. If bulimia has taught us anything, it’s that vomiting is not the answer to diet woes.
Before I continue, I have to point out something INCREDIBLY ANNOYING about the Warrior video. At random intervals, a cartoon figure of the Warrior appears, says something generally incoherent, and then vanishes. If that weren’t bad enough, the animation is quite literally two frames. Here, I’ve recreated it for you below:
Look at him. Seriously – is he talking, or does he just have a mouthful of Big League Chew?
Round 3 – Workout
Richard’s Blast Off
“Come cha cha with me!” invites Richard as he prances about with all the masculinity of a neutered chihuahua. “You can do it, you can, just try!”
Meanwhile, a 350 pound woman is laughing, dancing, and looks to be having the time of her life. That encourages me to keep going.
Well, that combined with an innate desire to one day be able to wear a sparkly tank top like Richard’s.
Warrior Workout 1
Warrior starts doing all kinds of bench presses and curls. And true to his word, he doesn’t say anything more than “ARGH!” and “UGH!”
While I would usually be all for Warrior going mute, it seems a bit odd to me that so far, he has offered zero advice as to what the hell I am supposed to be doing, or how I am to be doing it.
Maybe I should just knock some more stuff over.
Take THAT, you stupid couch!
Chyna Fitness
Joanie grabs some weights and lifts them in the air, offering sage-like nuggets of wisdom such as “Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was Chyna.”
HAHAHAHA!
WASN’T THAT FUNNY?
No, I didn’t think so either.
The good news is that no longer are we subjected to zooms of Chyna’s oiled up funbags.
The bad news is that now we have to stare at shot after shot of her sweat drenched butt crack.
A friendly bit of advice to any aspiring cameramen out there: the only time viewers want to see taint is in an adult film.
Winner: Richard
If for no other reason than I actually, you know, understand what the hell I am supposed to be doing, Richard wins again. The Chyna video just made me nauseous, and thanks to the Warrior, my living room now looks like a tornado hit it.
Round 4 – Cool Down
Richard’s Blast Off
More light stretching helps to ease us out of the Blast Off video. “Just a little more, just a little more” Richard urges. “I want you to stand up tall, nice and proud – be proud of yourself!”
And sure enough, his bulge brigade are all standing tall and proud behind him.
As am I.
GOD BLESS YOU, RICHARD!
AND SCREW YOU, LITTLE DEBBIE, YOU LIFE RUINING BITCH!
Warrior Workout 1
Meanwhile, Warrior throws around weights for less time than it takes either Richard or Joanie to warm up.
No kidding, Warrior Workout #1 consists of him lifting weights for literally less than ten minutes, with no instructions, no advice, nothing.
To pad out the tape, they actually show everything again, this time at “Warrior speed”, which equates to the tape being re-run on fast forward.
And that’s IT.
I remember this thing being advertised in the old Apter mags, and I want to say it was really expensive, like $50 or something. I can only imagine how pissed I would have been had I actually bought the stupid thing.
Fortunately for any poor sap that did shell out the cash, three words appear on the screen following the workout:
“Warrior Straight Talk”
Now THIS should be good.
Chyna Fitness
To encourage her viewers, Chyna talks about how she wants to beat up all the men of WWE, mentioning Big Show, Rock, and Hunter by name.
Of course, we get more shots of her cleavage, which would seem to indicate that she’s going to pummel them with her granite-like saline sacks.
Finally, after 40 minutes or so of lifting weights, doing crunches, sit ups, push ups, and every other wacko aerobic endeavor you can imagine, the work out is complete.
“I’m pooped!” she says.
Maybe it’s just me, but I never want to hear the word “poop” in conjunction with Joanie Laurer ever again.
Winner: Richard
Let’s see…Warrior doesn’t even do a cool down, and Chyna is…well, Chyna. Looks like Richard is running away with this.
Round 5 – Closing Words of Inspiration
Richard’s Blast Off
Blast Off wraps up with Richard telling the viewer simply “You shined today.”
And sure enough, the folks he was dancing with not only shined that day, but apparently a lot of days before that, as they do a roll call of everyone and show just how much weight they lost. Three of the women had dropped over 100 pounds, and another had lost over 150 pounds.
Add up all that flab and you could make King Kong Bundy.
Now THAT’s impressive!
Warrior Workout 1
“Ok, I’ll talk about…you already got the camera on? Thanks for telling me!”
And thus begins “Warrior Straight Talk”, a five minute segment wherein Master Hellwig (or more precisely, his shadow) promotes all his other ventures, such as Warrior University (his training camp) and the infamous Warrior comic book. “Circumstances in my life are going to be played out in the comic book,” he explains. Sadly, he leaves out the real-life details of how he put Santa Claus into bondage.
He wraps things up saying, “Wow, this video was awesome, wasn’t it? We spent a lot of all nighters putting it together.”
Yes, many late nights were put into creating this fifteen minute video, of which there is a total of maybe – MAYBE – ten minutes actual footage.
Warrior bids us adieu, and that’s when things start to get REALLY weird. A blank screen appears, and then a phone rings. And it’s a bill collector.
Yes, a BILL COLLECTOR, who says that Warrior is behind on his phone bill.
Don’t believe me? Here, have a listen.
So THAT’s why Warrior put out the tape – to make enough money to pay his bills. Maybe he should have just traded in his truck for something cheaper, like a second-hand Schwinn.
Chyna Fitness
Chyna’s final words: “For years, I’ve dreamed of being a beautiful, strong woman, and an inspiration to others. Thanks to the miracle of plastic surgery and a never-ending push from Vince McMahon, I feel I achieved that goal. Oddly enough, as soon as Hunter dumped me for Vince’s daughter, I became persona non grata and vanished from the public eye completely.
There’s your lesson, kids – life sucks, and then you get stalked by X-Pac.”
Winner: Warrior
I have to give Warrior the pity vote here. I mean, the guy drives a dilapidated old rustbucket and can’t even afford to pay his phone bill, then has the audacity to put together a 15 minute video in obviously one take and then claim he worked on it for days and days. Anyone with the cajones to charge $50 for that is an inspiration to me.
Final Verdict
Richard Wins!
Despite a last minute rush by the Warrior, Richard holds off the competition and stands tall and proud as the Official Fitness Guru of WrestleCrap. So I guess it’s back to Blasting Off.
Or maybe I’ll just get fat again instead.
Warrior Lackey: “Warriors, can I help you?”
Bill Collector: “This is World Collections. Is the Ultimate Warrior available?”
Lackey: “No, he’s not in right now, can I take a message?”
BC: “I’m calling in regards to an outstanding balance on his phone bill and to inform him that payment will need to be made immediately.”
Lackey: “Well, I haven’t seen him. I’ll leave him a message.”
BC: “Look, sir, I need to speak with this Warrior, or whatever you call him, to resolve this outstanding balance right away.”