Yes, believe it or not, sometimes I do get out of the house.
Such was the case earlier this spring, when I had the opportunity to visit Niagara Falls. I had been told for years that it was truly breath-taking, a site to behold. Now let it be known that I am more of a theme park kind of dude – in a toss up between the Grand Canyon and say, Disney World, I’ll take the Happiest Place on Earth every time. But since it was on the way to where I needed to go for my (real) job, I thought it might be fun to hang out at the falls for a few days.
All the hype was true. The falls were very beautiful indeed.
But they sure got boring quick.
I mean, seriously, think about it – it’s water going over a cliff. Yes, the sheer amount of water over that cliff is incredible, but at the end of the day it’s water. How far that water falls may be impressive, but for a jaded old fool such as myself, I couldn’t help but begin to calculate just how long it would take to get us back to Cedar Point.
Just as I was about to pack up my old jalopy, I saw something in the sky. Something that probably should have triggered immediate fear, but something that seemed familiar, inviting. And something you all know very well.
Ah yes… the WWE logo.
Could it be? Could Vince McMahon be coming to my rescue?
Why yes, yes he was.
For you see, there’s another part of Niagara Falls that caters to non-nature types such as myself. Dubbed “Clifton Hill”, this area of town is like a carnival gone horribly wrong. There are all manner of haunted houses, Ripley’s Believe it or Not showcases, and miniature golf courses. Sadly, none of the golf courses had anatomically correct lions, but there was a CRIMINALS HALL OF FAME WAX MUSEUM which featured the likes of Timothy McVeigh and Jeffrey Dahmer, who happened to have a stocked refrigerator.
Of course I’m not joking.
With such neighbors, can it be any shock that WWE decided to set up camp here?
To be fair, WWE Niagara Falls is a pretty cool place. Not only is there a shop, but they also have a thrill ride attached right on top of the store called the Piledriver.
My immediate reaction upon seeing this contraption (after singing this at the top of my lungs, much to the delight of passers by) was that I had to go on it right then and there. But then Mrs. Deal mentioned that she thought at some point in the past year or so, she had read a story about how the ride had actually been shut down due to safety issues.
I stroked my beard and briefly pondered the possibilities. It would be the ultimate irony: the man who mocked Vince at every turn meeting his demise on some cheap ass thrill ride even Poor Jack wouldn’t cart from town to town, likely from having his head collide with the gigantic WWE logo atop the tower. Though a fitting way to meet my end, I decided to take a pass.
After walking past the Piledriver ride, I went just south to enter the store itself. It was very classy – there were huge banners (generally featuring folks that are no longer with the company, like Hulk Hogan and Steve Austin…hmmm), and also tons of signed memorabilia hanging up all over the place. For instance, on the outside wall are hand prints and signatures in cement of bonafide legends like Chris Benoit and…ummm…Val Venis?
Actual Quote from Mrs. Deal: “Shouldn’t Val have imprinted a different body part?”
Once you actually get into the store, the fun really begins. It’s basically a two-story shop of all things WWE; t-shirts, hats, shot glasses, mugs…you name it, this place has it. Of course, the first thing I saw was this:
Yes, the horrendously horrifying Booker T teddy bear. Or monkey. Or whatever the hell it is. I seriously thought things couldn’t get more bizarre than that, but a glance to the right revealed WWE Water. Yes, H2O. Aqua. With the WWE logo slapped right on it. It’s all (as in 8 oz.!) yours for the low, low price of $2.49! No wonder the company made like $14 trillion last quarter.
Just as I had come to the conclusion that the WWE water was the lamest thing I could ever find, I saw it. Something so inexplicable, something so bizarre, that, though I’ve had it in my possession for almost a month, I have yet to believe it. Not only that, I cannot even come to grips with the fact that someone not only got paid to come up with this idea, but someone actually got paid to make it. And someone (not just any someone, but me!) decided to actually plop down $14.95 to take it home with them.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you unquestionably the most absurd item WWE has ever released: talking soap.
Let me repeat that, just in case you blacked out or something.
Soap that talks.
And not just any soap that talks…
SOAP THAT TALKS AND IS ENDORSED BY WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT.
What, exactly, it says is a mystery. I look at the sealed package, and though I long to pry open the plastic and throw that bad boy in my tub, I just cannot seem to do it. I view it almost the wrestling equivalent to opening Pandora’s Box. I don’t want to be the one to unleash unspeakable evil on the world.
So I’m sending it to Blade Braxton to do it instead.