As I sit here tonight pecking away at my keyboard at the Reynolds Ranch, I am doing so with a slightly sore mouth. Specifically, the back left bottom corner. No no, Eric Bischoff didn’t karate chop me in the mush a couple of weeks ago, but rather, my wisdom teeth are playing havoc with my gums once more. Long story short, I’ve never had my wisdom teeth removed. That may have been a good idea, I suppose, as they aren’t going up and down like a good tooth would, but instead they are going horizontally in my mouth.
According to this helpful graphic, it means my teeth are lazy.
Yeah, I have SLACKER TEETH. Which sounds like the world’s worst punk rock band (if such things even still exist).
My dentist has told me several times that this isn’t really an issue, unless >>I<< feel it’s an issue, and honestly, I rarely notice it. Further, Dr. B has noted that I probably won’t live long enough to bother wasting time and money getting them removed. I know that came out terribly wrong – it wasn’t as though he was predicting my demise in the next two weeks, just that if I’ve lived this long with it, I am probably ok to ride out the rest of my days with teeth that don’t know which direction they are supposed to go.
But that got me thinking…what if he is wrong?
Maybe I should get a second opinion.
And who better to ask than THIS MAN…
No wait, this isn’t WrestleCrap Radio, this is an induction (special). I’m thinking of course of THIS MAN…
ISAAC YANKEM, DDS!
Yes yes, I know we covered him years ago, and of course he is in the archives. And while Art O’Donnell is now making it en vogue to revisit those old characters via Reinductions (including a brand new induction this week exclusively for $2 and up Patreon Crappers!), that’s not what I am doing here.
No, instead I want to examine the merits of Jerry Lawler’s personal mouth man in regards to him being granted a designation of DDS by the American Dental Association. Is this something he truly earned?
Was it warranted?
Or did it somehow slip through the cracks?
You know, cracks like Bushwhacker Luke’s teeth?
Heenan was right – that guy had to have flossed his teeth with a rope.
Lallygagging and blah blah, hit the bricks – it’s time to dive into the video footage WWE provided prior to Dr. Yankem becoming an actual in-ring competitor and investigate this man’s medical skillz!!
As you likely remember, we were first introduced to Yankem following Jerry Lawler losing a “Kiss My Foot” match against Bret Hart. That sounds kinda terrible, but I’m not sure I’ve ever inducted that; to be honest, it would be tough for me to do that as “The Hitman” was my favorite wrestler at the time. And, come to think of it, my favorite match ever is arguably Lawler-Bret from Summerslam 1993, so it can’t be that bad. With all that said, I vividly remember the sight of Lawler getting his own feet jammed into his own mouth, and it was patently ridiculous.
This violent action led “The King” to visiting his dentist, the aforementioned Dr. Yankem, whom he hoped could cure him of the horrific breath he was now experiencing due to Bret having the smelliest feet there are, the smelliest feet there ever was, and the smelliest feet there ever will be. For a guy complaining about mouth maladies, it sure didn’t stop Jerry from talking.
To the point of this article, let us examine what Dr. Yankem did to help “The King”. Lawler’s claim, which would be that following the loss to Bret 24 hours ago he now has “terminal halitosis”, would be the ailment in question. Despite using a combination of brushing, dental floss, mouth wash, cotton balls, and some weird green gum, he was unable to de-strinkify his pie hole.
Now according to Lawler himself, Yankem spent an hour and a half working on Jerry’s stench-filled word hole…and was unable to come to any type of resolution. In fact, in the weeks following this first visit, Lawler would continue to complain about how he still had stench tongue.
Shouldn’t a certified DDS be able to at least assist with such an ailment?
The following week, Lawler was back at the office, this time telling two little kids how they should be horrified to go in for their annual check up. And also, the little boy wasn’t old enough to be reading National Geographic.
Holy cow do I feel old knowing what THAT joke means.
If you got that one, don’t blame me – you are old as dirt too.
As Jerry is berating the kids, out comes a patient from the back, holding a bloody gauze over the front of his mouth. I’ve had some nasty dental work done before, but I’ve never actually LEFT the office with blood gushing from my incisors. So strike two on this Yankem guy actually being a legit oral aficionado.
Finally, we are introduced to the big guy himself, as Doc walks out of the office and smiles at the children with his completely nasty teeth. Some may cry that having such a disgusting mouth would be another knock against Yankem. Amazingly, I disagree. You see, according to Lawler, Isaac kept this teeth in a state of permanent disrepair so as to warn his patients about the importance of oral hygiene. What better way to do so than by continually showing off his corroded canines?
And all this time you thought it was just a stupid joke that an evil wrestling dentist would have bad teeth. You know, the kind of joke only Vince McMahon would laugh at. Tut tut.
The following week, we finally go into his office and see him in action with a patient, which I am pretty sure it was the girl we saw last week. Why were these kids just hanging out for weeks at a dental office? Didn’t they have school or something to go to?
We see Dr. Yankem’s first technique, which is to cram a drill down his client’s mouth while simultaneously smashing their head against the back rest with his giant left hand. It’s like he’s wanting to reinvent the Von Erich Iron Claw…which again, kinda makes sense as Lawler had told us during this visit that prior going into dentistry, Yankem was a wrestler…”under an assumed name.”
Eh, as long as it wasn’t something stupid like “UNABOMB”, I guess that’s ok.
Oh wait.
(I should also note I like the fact Vince was so proud of Isaac’s dentistry display he ended his flagship show, Monday Night Raw, with it. Seriously, check that out above – it has the copyright info and everything! This was the go home shot to get you to TUNE BACK IN NEXT WEEK!)
Seven days later (and yes, we’ve been in Isaac’s office for a MONTH now!), Yankem was back at it again, this time attempting to remove a loose tooth from the young boy’s gums. Unable to do it in a traditional manner, Yankem straddled the child, appearing to drive his knee directly into the poor kid’s crotch. Unconventional to say the least, but that tooth came flying out fast when he did that, so who am I to judge?
I mean, I can, and probably should, judge that he looks like a total creep mounting the kid, but one can’t deny the dentistry skill on display got the job done.
On the fifth week (!!!!!!) in Yankem’s office, we got FUN WITH X-RAYS! Here, Isaac zapped his patient with roentgenograms so powerful the entire screen turned black and white and revealed the very innards of everyone within a 10′ radius. Look closely, and you will see that Yankem’s skull is larger than the skin in which it is encased!
How is that even possible?
Yeah.
I don’t know either, dude.
While I am still on the fence about Yankem’s dentistry skills, I will say this: his office is courteous enough to have very polite outgoing messages on the answering machine. Like seriously, if I got that kindly voice, I would for sure come back and have him do at least a crown.
Maybe even a root canal.
On second thought, maybe not.
If the ADA approves of this action as legitimate dentistry, I am pretty sure my wayward wisdoms are staying in my head to my dying day!
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