WWF Raw opens with clips of last night’s silly empty arena match, set to the epic strains of “Cold Sweat” (the stock music, not the James Brown tune). Vince McMahon says, “maneuver” multiple times in the intro alone, but because they’re from Halftime Heat and not WWF Raw, they don’t go towards his overall tally (which stands at 1037). In the end, Mankind used a forklift (with an invisible camera attached to it) to pin The Rock and regain the WWF title.
Backstage earlier tonight, Shane McMahon briefed the Corporate Team on tonight’s plans. Vince McMahon is down in Texas to confront Stone Cold, so Shane’s in charge tonight. He’s not happy with the rest of the team losing track of “the big red r****d” Kane. PMS walks through the current and bumps into the Bossman, who tells Terri to “say excuse me, b***h”. Terri appears to laugh it off.
Shane comes to the ring with Test, Bossman, and Shamrock but sends them away because, unlike X-Pac, he doesn’t need to hide behind “beef”. He does, however, bring a steel cage (for tonight’s Triple H-Kane match) down around him. Unbeknownst to Shane, X-Pac is sitting on top of the cage. X-Pac is lucky decided to show off the cage this way, as otherwise he’d have been sitting up there all night. The rest of D-X keeps the Corporate Team busy backstage (by fighting them, that is, not by giving them chores) as X-Pac and Shane have a stand-off.
Shane takes off his jacket and throws a punch at X-Pac but gets taken down immediately. X-Pac motions for the Bronco Buster, but Chyna opens the cage door and trips her former ally. The two stare each other down before X-Pac kicks Shane and Chyna hits X-Pac downstairs. Chyna restrains X-Pac so Shane can slap and punch him. Vince said Shane had “testicles the size of grapefruits”, but King says they’re now the size of pomegranates.
WWF Raw returns with a replay of the WWF’s Super Bowl ad. According to the announcers, it was the most controversial commercial in Super Bowl history, yet it also received unanimous “rave reviews” from the media. So which one was it?
Vince is in a Victoria, TX bar with the stooges, who are dressed up in cowboy hats. McMahon’s mission is to provoke Steve Austin so that he’ll assault him and get fired. In the background plays a country tune which Shazam tells me is called, “Bars or Pub with a Few Patrons Drinking & Talking”. Great catch, Shazam, but not really what I’m looking for. Googling the lyrics doesn’t help. Anyway, Vince is rude to the bartender when she says she doesn’t “reckon” she’s seen Austin around. She ends up pulling a shotgun on Vince and company, who exit.
Ken Shamrock, whose sister starred last week in Val Venis’s latest flick, is ringside for commentary. Shamrock forbids his sister from “going out with” Val (and for his purposes, the shower counts as “out”). Venis compares his Valbowski to a motorcycle (riding, between the legs, etc.) on the mic. He faces Mr. Ass, who mooned that same sister, tonight following their stupid misunderstanding last week.
Mr. Ass moons Val to open the match. Does that mean Val has to one-up him by making a porno with himself? On the mic, Ken again insists that his sister doesn’t get to make her own decisions, and that adult films should be banned. Begrudgingly, Shamrock admits he promised his sister not to “lay a hand on her”, which Michael Cole swoops in to correct. “So Ken, you’re saying you promised your sister you would not lay a hand on Val Venis?” Ken indignantly pretends that’s what he said the first time, and everyone plays along.
The match itself is just an excuse for Shamrock to get angry on commentary, and Lawler doesn’t help. The King, equal parts appalled and horny, recounts the things Venis did with Ryan Shamrock and eggs Ken on to get involved in the match. Sure enough, Ken hits Val in the back with a chair, causing a DQ. Technically, King points out, he didn’t lay a hand on Val Venis.
Billy Gunn picks up the chair and drives Ken off, leading to another misunderstanding between him and Val (who still doesn’t suspect that his lover’s over-protective brother might have been the culprit). Val hits Billy in the back with the chair and storms off.
Backstage, Mankind pays somebody $487 of The Rock’s money to “rent” Max Mini for a few days and show him to his kids. Does Max even get the money?
After the break, The Rock calls Vince, now in another bar, to complain about Mankind’s spending spree.
For the second week in a row, Kevin Kelly interviews Debra about her sex appeal, this time on the stage for some reason. Mark henry again interrupts to flirt with Debra, who feigns interest until Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett attack him from behind.
Mankind and Socko advise Kurrgan on investments, giving him a wad of cash to get him started.
D’Lo Brown, accompanied by PMS, is out to do Terri’s dirty work again, facing the Bossman over the Corporate cop’s disrespect. Brown wants to know when they’ll be even for causing Terri’s miscarriage, but Jackie says he’s still got a long way to go.
Eventually, D’Lo hits to the Lo-Down on Bossman and gets a visible pin, but Terri and Jacqueline distract the referee. Bossman then hits the Bossman Slam and picks up the victory before beating D’Lo with a nightstick. Mark Henry makes the save as PMS high-five.
Back in Victoria, Texas, Pat Patterson flirts with a female bar patron, who knees him in the groin.
WWF Raw returns with an audition by the Blue Meanie to be part of the WWF Raw Boys, the Federation’s answer to the Nitro Girls. Within seconds, Goldust sneaks up and kicks him in the groin, then drags him to the ring to shatter his dreams. One of Meanie’s “dreams” is hanging out of his shorts, but fortunately this WWF Raw is pre-taped.
As Dr. Francois Petit treats D’Lo backstage, Mark Henry complains that Terri shouldn’t have even been in the ring while pregnant. The doctor, who a few weeks ago used a stethoscope on Terri and told her he couldn’t hear a heartbeat, has absolutely no idea what Mark is talking about. Doc says, as her doctor, that Terri was “never” pregnant (not even with Dakota?). D’Lo begs him not to “kayfabe” him and to instead “shoot”, and Petit gladly breaks doctor-patient confidentiality.
The Mr. Socko t-shirt, perhaps the first t-shirt for another article of clothing, is only $25.
Droz faces Kurrgan tonight after sending George Steele packing last week. Rather than discuss the in-ring action, the announcers plug The Rock and Ken Shamrock’s appearance on That 70’s Show next Sunday, then say that Royal Rumble set a pay-per-view record of some kind. Droz hits Kurrgan in the throat with a broom, then shoulder-tackles him from the top rope for the pinfall. With two Oddities down, it’s only a matter of time before Droz goes one-on-one with Giant Silva. WrestleMania, anyone? Droz continues to stomp Kurrgan until Golga and (eventually) Silva make the save.
Patterson and Brisco enjoy baked beans and brisket, but the finicky Vince McMahon doesn’t like it. When Brisco, face covered in BBQ sauce, complains on his behalf, the waitress smashes a bowl of beans on his hat.
Mideon, Viscera (the former Mabel), and The Undertaker face The Brood in six-man action. Actually, Taker just sits on his throne, so it’s really a five-man. Viscera gets a big pop for his leg drop, but when the numbers game starts to catch up with Mideon & Viscera, the Acolytes interfere and cause a DQ. Undertaker slowly approaches, prompting Lawler to suggest he and Cole make themselves “scared”, a Freudian slip.
The Brood then starts ejecting referees so theyMinistry can continue whaling on them. Bradshaw slips a noose around Gangrel. “Is that symbolic of something?” asks King. Undertaker lays a hand on Gangrel’s head before Bradshaw hangs him.
Backstage again, the Mankind spending spree continues. “I bought you something for your boobs”, says Foley, cutting right to the chase. He gifts her a sweater to keep her from catching a potentially fatal chest cold.
Mankind comes to the ring with the WWF title and bandages (over his mask). Foley won the title earlier that day before fans arrived, and just two days after he took way too many chairshots at Royal Rumble.
A hoarse Rock struggles through a promo about their previous two matches, then demands his $97,000 back. Presumably, Rock had already bought a shirt with the other three grand. Mankind says he’s not giving the money back as promised, but he will give him a rematch. Rock agrees and makes it a Last Man Standing match at St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, which Mankind (whose ass Rocky calls “r****ded) accepts.
WWF Raw returns and airs a special alternate version of the WWF’s Super Bowl ad, with all of the Superstars being honest and saying the opposite of what they said the first time. Clever!
McMahon and the stooges believe they’ve found Steve Austin at a Victoria, Texas pawn shop. Vince tells Patterson & Brisco his plan to verbally provoke Austin until he attacks him physically. “And then from there”, he wants Pat and Gerald to jump Austin.
Vince walks through the door and calls Steve Austin “ch*ckenshit” while flicking the back of his head. I’m pretty sure that counts as being physically provoked.
“Who are you calling chick*nshit?” says a man who only looks like Austin. Pointing a shotgun at an apologetic McMahon, he says Austin is at an establishment called Arkey Blue’s.
Road Dogg is out, wearing his Hardcore belt backwards, to do his mic schtick. At least this time, he remembers what title he has and that Billy Gunn isn’t there. Tonight, Roadie teams with Al Snow against the Acolytes. The action immediately spills to the outside, where Bradshaw chucks the timekeeper’s table at Al Snow. Road Dogg stabs Faarooq in the face with a pencil, while Bradshaw, having tossed the ring steps into the ring, unsuccessfully chucks them out of the ring onto Al Snow.
Al fights back with a shot with a bell to Bradshaw’s face, then a total of three chairshots to Faarooq and Bradshaw’s heads. All four men brawl in the crowd, where Road Dogg rubs cotton candy into Faarooq’s face (which is not as effective as the chairshot). Faarooq keeps fighting Al Snow unabated, driving him through the exit door. Meanwhile, Bradshaw and Road Dogg approach the ring. A Road Dogg fan with his shirt tucked in throws his drink at Bradshaw, who turns around and punches him.
Outside the arena, Al Snow jumps on Viscera, who slams him into some cardboard boxes. This allows Faarooq to return to the ring, where he and Bradshaw drive Road Dogg through a table. Joining the Acolytes are Mideon, Viscera, and precisely three masked druids. I wonder who they could be?
At Undertaker’s signal, the Ministry unmasks the druids as The Brood, who in their black robes look like they’re at the barber’s. It seems there can be only one spooky faction at a time in the WWF.
WWF Raw returns to find Road Dogg arguing with Al Snow over who abandoned whom in the match. Dogg says Snow left him to the Acolytes, while Al says Roadie didn’t back him up when he faced a “500-pound gorilla”. Road Dogg bashes him in the back with a chair, but if Snow is as dumb as Val Venis, he’ll probably blame Billy Gunn. The two men are scheduled to face each other at St. Valentine’s Day Massacre in the second of a best-of-three series.
Vince McMahon finally finds the real Stone Cold at the bar, calling him a ch***enshit and begging Austin to hit him. Steve refuses, saving his violence for when it’s legally sanctioned, but encouraging the other patrons to rough up Vince and the stooges. McMahon and his entourage cautiously back away.
The cage lowers around Triple H, who is ready and would like to know whether the crowd can say the same. He calls Chyna a big b*tch. Kane is out next, and the WWF Raw main event is on. It will continue until one man runs away; that man will be declared the winner.
Shortly into the match, Kane sets off his turnbuckle pyro, turning the lights red. Slowly, the regular lights return. Kane twice prevents Triple H from going through the door before Hunter throws him into the cage walls and tries unsuccessfully to escape once more.
Kane, failing to disprove Shane’s assessment of him, starts to climb over the cage rather than simply going through the door as Triple H keeps attempting. Kane abandons his climb to prevent a fourth escape, but Triple H grabs a chair from outside the ring this time. Hunter hits Kane over the head with it, but Kane sits up.
This time, Triple H tries to escape over the top and nearly gets chokeslammed off the top rope before crotching Kane on it. Hunter’s Pedigree attempt is reversed by Kane, who chokeslams him and finally tries to use the door. X-Pac, however, rushes down and slams it in Kane’s face. Kane and X-Pac punch it out at the top of the cage, while Triple H attempts to climb over the other side. Despite Chyna’s interference, Hunter makes it over and wins.
Chyna gets on the mic and tells Kane, bleeding from the chairshot, to leave D-X alone. Instead, she challenges Triple H to a match at the next pay-per-view.
Final tally:
2 R-words
5 CS-words