WWF Raw – November 23rd, 1998 – Schottenstein Center – Columbus, OH
WWF Raw opens with a recap of last week’s episode, wherein boxing referee and judge Mills Lane granted Steve Austin a title shot, Ken Shamrock accepted Vince McMahon as his new dad, and The Undertaker hit Stone Cold with a shovel (which, as a grave digger, should have been his signature weapon all along). Tonight, we will hear from Austin, who is currently in a San José hospital after blacking out at a house show (after his match—he still wrestled as advertised, so don’t let that deter you from buying a ticket to a WWF live event). Why the WWF was in California last night but Ohio tonight is anyone’s guess, unless tonight’s show was taped last Tuesday.
We would be on week two of the new WWF Raw theme song and intro, but they’re skipping it this week. Instead, Vince McMahon enters with his entourage. McMahon denies orchestrating last week’s shovel attack, then announces a new independent WWF commissioner to replace Commissioner Slaughter, who is stepping down. This is good news for many, including me—do you know how annoying it is to have to type “Commissioner” rather that “Sgt.” every time Bob Remus shows up?
This new commissioner will govern over all WWF Superstars except Steve Austin, who remains under Vince McMahon’s direct rule. And this Commissioner’s name? Shawn Michaels, who is making his third comebacksince WrestleMania. Surely this time, he’ll stick around!
Commissioner Michaels calls the boss, “Vin-Man” irreverently, then books a WWF title match pitting The Rock against X-Pac. Michaels then retreats to the corner, makes the “Suck it” motion at his boss, then leaves as the D-X music plays him off. McMahon, worried, huddles with his corporate team.
Backstage, one of the clowns (Violent J, not Kevin Kelly) tells the Oddities that the Insane Clown Posse isn’t ready for their scheduled match with the Headbangers. This means the Oddities will have to wrestle in their place. “What a disappointment”, laments Luna.
Kurrgan and Golga have the Bangers well under control until Violent J steps onto the apron. Golga, running the ropes, bumps into the clown, causing a distraction. The Thrasher uses a rolled-up t-shirt to pull Golga to the mat, where he is pinned by Mosh.
After the bell, Shaggy 2 Dope sprays Kurrgan and Silva in the eyes, then joins Violent J and the Headbangers in putting the boots to Golga. The Headbangers then cut Luna’s hair, which the now-evil clowns hold up as trophies. “What a bunch of jerks!” opines Jim Ross.
The announcers narrate clips of Kane running wild over the past few weeks, with JR calling Kane a “lost soul” who “doesn’t know right from wrong”.
The Blue Blazer comes to the ring for a match with Steve Blackman. Though the Blazer looks like Jeff Jarrett this week, Jim Ross is confident that it’s Owen Hart under the hood. Even Jerry Lawler agrees, rather than playing dumb.
Blackman has the Blue Blazer on the run in the early seconds, causing Blazer to leave the ring and say, “Woo!” Undeterred, Blackman chases right after the masked man, chokes him with his cape, and throws him back in the ring. There, the Blazer makes a comeback and locks Steve in a dragon sleeper until he backs the superhero into the corner. Jim Ross notes the Blazer’s “lucha libra” [sic] attire (Spanish for, “fight lb.”), but, upon getting a good look at him, starts to doubt that it’s Owen Hart under the mask. Nevertheless, the Blue Blazer locks Blackman in the Sharpshooter (while covering his own face), which the Lethal Weapon escapes.
Despite continued woooos by the Blue Blazer, Jim Ross expresses more doubts about the Blazer’s identity tonight. For example, his nose is average size. Blackman levels the masked man with a bicycle kick, covers him for the 1-2-3, and decides to solve the mystery himself. Luckily, the Blue Blazer’s good friend Owen Hart makes the save, chop-blocking Blackman behind the knee. Hart then runs off, covering his ears to drown out the chants of “Nugget”.
In a macabre coincidence, just as Owen Hart and the Blue Blazer run up the ramp, Jim Ross says that “tragedy befell” Steve Austin yesterday (referring to his storyline blackout).
Backstage, Vince McMahon and Commissioner Michaels exchange words, but there are no microphones to pick up the conversation.
The Brood, who are “different”, enter for a tag team match. With cameras pointed at Gangrel’s flaming entrance pit, Jim Ross reads ad copy for Burger King. Synergy!
Their opponents are D’Lo Brown and Mark Henry, the latter of whom read a poem to Chyna last week that leads Jerry Lawler to call him “sexual chocolate”.
Edge and Gangrel make frequent tags at the outset of the match, using double-teams like a double-DDT on Brown from the second rope and a double-hip toss on Henry. The former Nation members then turn the match around; D’Lo, for example, hits his running powerbomb on Edge without having a tight grip or hoisting his opponent past the ninety-degree mark. Edge takes the move without injury tonight, but in hindsight the move is an accident waiting to happen.
Jim Ross notes that the Brood, unlike a lot of folks in Oklahoma, lead a “gothic lifestyle” (vampire). Jerry confuses this with an “alternative lifestyle” (gay).
Mark Henry press-slams Gangrel but gets distracted by Chyna for the second week in a row. Henry lights up when Chyna walks on stage, but he gets rolled up and pinned by Gangrel. But even another loss won’t take the smile from his face. His smile turns to pure ecstasy when Chyna agrees to a dinner date, leading Mark to roll around on the mat in celebration.
In the hospital, the doctor tells Austin that he has a serious concussion and needs a good night’s sleep. Contrary to popular belief, this is generally safe. To that end, Austin takes a sleeping pill. Also, says, the doc, he has to take “a couple weeks” off. Wow, two whole weeks? It must be serious. That shot with the shovel is, after all, tonight’s JVC Kaboom of the Week.
Backstage, Shawn Michaels talks with his good buddy X-Pac, and to the New Age Outlaws, with whom he has little connection.
The announcers discuss Steve Austin’s upcoming Buried Alive match with The Undertaker at the Rock Bottom pay-per-view. Jerry Lawler can’t understand why Vince McMahon would put Austin in a match where the winner qualifies for the Royal Rumble match. It’s probably because the loser dies, Jerry.
Marc Mero, at the nadir of his irrelevance after having fired Jacqueline last night on Heat, faces Goldust. Terri Runnels, wife of the Bizarre One, soon comes to the ring and, in Jim Ross’s words, “she ain’t hardly got no clothes on!” Next comes Jacqueline.
Plus, there’s a wrestling match going on. Goldust sets Mero up in the corner for Shattered Dreams, but Terri distracts the referee, allowing Jackie to hit Goldust in the groin. Now it’s Terri’s turn, kicking Mero in the groin. It’s like Strangers on a Train, except with nut shots. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, says Jim Ross, but Jerry Lawler says he’d like Terri and Jackie to “scorn” him. The don’t call him Jerry “The Kink” Lawler for nothing.
Back at the hospital, a slightly sleepy Austin signs an autograph and yells at Jim Ross. Outside the medical facility, a hearse appears to pull up to the curb.
The WWF Rewind presented by Glover is Ken Shamrock’s interference last week, costing Steve Austin the title.
Shamrock now faces the Bossman and Mankind for the Hardcore title. As Mankind’s two challengers are both aligned with Vince McMahon, Jim Ross considers this more of a handicap match. “Triple Threat match my you-know-what!” Ross’s assessment proves correct, as Shamrock and Bossman double-team Mankind.
Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler questions why a hearse would be outside the medical facility where Steve Austin is staying, but Jim Ross is slow to catch on. JR gradually realizes that maybe the Undertaker could be in that hearse.
The McMahon men, who booked this match before the appointment of Shawn Michaels as commissioner, watch from the stage. Also watching is the bald, goateed fan in pink, an Ohio staple seen at SummerSlam 1996, among other events. The Bossman uses his nightstick throughout the match but runs into trouble when he tries to use a chair; Shamrock restrains Mankind for this chair shot, but Foley slips away, leading Ken to take the chair to the head.
Mankind uses Mr. Socko on both Ken Shamrock until Bossman breaks it up, and vice versa, until the JOB Squad shows up and makes the sides even—if not more so! Mankind pins Ken Shamrock after a Head-shot from Al Snow. Mankind’s celebration (to his old post-match piano music) is short-lived, as his two opponents beat him up all the way backstage.
Back outside the San José medical facility, there is indeed a hearse, our biggest clue yet that The Undertaker is coming after Austin. And even bigger clue is the shot of The Undertaker beating up Austin in his hospital bed. “This is where you get off”, says The Undertaker in the non-sexual sense. “This is your last ride.” Jim Ross wants to know what The Undertaker means by that, as he wouldn’t start doing that powerbomb for another year and a half. After the break, the hearse speeds off.
In the most nonsensical match of this WWF Raw, Christian defends his Light Heavyweight title against Duane Gill. Jim Ross credits (or blames) Shawn Michaels for this match.
Christian has a chance to pin Gill, last seen at Survivor Series, but pulls him off the canvas. Christian tosses Duane around like a rag doll and hits him with the yet-unnamed Impaler/Unprettier/Killswitch, but the referee is distracted by the re-appearance of the JOB Squad, who brawl with Gangrel and Edge outside the ring. Scorpio then jumps onto Christian and rolls Duane Gill over top of him, earning the lifelong jobber the Light Heavyweight title. In celebration, Gill holds up his new belt up backwards. Besides his son’s birth and his peewee football team’s championship, this is the greatest moment of his life, says Gill.
In a cemetery, The Undertaker digs a hole to bury Steve Austin alive. Without a referee? That’s heinous. When Stone Cold fights back, Paul Bearer ethers him. Undertaker then decides that, rather than burying him alive, he will embalm Stone Cold alive.
WWF Raw returns as Jim Ross is in utter shock. Embalming Austin alive? What if, suggest Jerry, Stone Cold is paralyzed but still conscious while he’s being embalmed? That’s a fate worse than death. Anyway, here’s the wrestling pimp to wrestle the Indian millionaire.
The Godfather makes his customary offer of hos to Tiger Ali Singh in exchange for a forfeit. Curiously, Godfather requires a small fee from Singh for what would normally be free. It’s called dynamic pricing. Before he gets an answer, though, Steven Regal shows up in his hard hat to warn Singh not to trust this sex trafficker. Regal and Singh double-team the Godfather until Val Venis evens things up.
Backstage, Shawn Michaels argues with The Rock while Shane and Vince stand between them. When WWF Raw returns, Shawn discusses the WWF rulebook with Earl Hebner. Question: will this match be called the Ohio State Screwjob or the The Ohio State Screwjob?
The New Age Outlaws face Bob Holly and Scorpio, who enter to Al Snow’s music. Unlike the Light Heavyweight championship match a few minutes ago, the titles are not on the line. Both of the Outlaws get big cheers from the crowd, but the JOB Squad get a far greater reward: getting labeled, “underrated” by Jim Ross.
Just when it looks like the Outlaws have the match one, Mankind runs in with a leaf blower and, while the referee is distracted, hits Bully Gunn in the head with it. Scorpio pins Gunn, drawing boos for the JOB Squad and Mankind, who are supposed to be babyfaces. Heels Shamrock and Bossman beat up the JOB Squad, aided by babyfaces the New Age Outlaws. Shamrock in particular goes nuts with the leaf blower. The stooges then arrive and escort the Outlaws up the ramp. Is McMahon trying to recruit the Outlaws?
And, as we see Taker’s hearse outside a funeral home, is The Undertaker trying to embalm Austin?
WWF Raw returns as Undertaker lays Austin onto the embalming table. Paul Bearer calls this idea (inviting a camera crew to film them commit murder) the best idea Taker has ever had. Undertaker blames the unconscious Stone Cold for interrupting the “ministry” as Paul Bearer cuts off Austin’s shirt.
WWF Raw comes back from another commercial break, during which time the camera man re-positioned himself on the other side of the embalming table. Undertaker holds up an embalming needle, but he spends so much time talking pseudo-Latin that he doesn’t get to stab Stone Cold. Instead, Kane interrupts the proceedings. While the brothers duke it out, Paul Bearer grabs a pair of scissors, but Stone Cold comes to just in time to block them. A dazed Austin stumbles off before the picture cuts out.
In WWF Raw’s main event, X-Pac now challenges The Rock for the WWF title. Before the bell rings, Commissioner Michaels ejects all corporate and D-X members besides the two official match participants. Michaels will remain at ringside to ensure a clean match, ring post crotch-jobs notwithstanding.
While Rock holds X-Pac in a chinlock, Jim Ross vents about the attempted embalming of Austin. Ross vows never to forgive or forget what The Undertaker and Paul Bearer have done (until they turn babyface in 2000).
X-Pac hits Rock with a spinning heel kick for a two-count, which causes the two McMahons (standing atop the ramp) to sweat. X-Pac scores another near-fall after a facebuster (later named the X-Factor). Rocky then grabs a chair, which Commissioner Michaels intercepts, only to swing it himself at X-Pac’s head. Earl Hebner, temporarily distracted, did not hear the loud metal thud, but he does see the The Rock’s Corporate Elbow and 1-2-3 on the Kid.
The New Age Outlaws then run to the ring, where they are met with Ken Shamrock and the Bossman. Meanwhile, Vince, Shane, Shawn, and The Rock all chop their respective crotches.
Final tally:
Surprise HBK returns: 1 (Year total: 3)
Heel turns: 2
Embalmings: 0 (thanks to Kane)