WWF Raw is War kicks off with confetti, balloons, every wrestler on the roster, and the chintziest MIDI parade music available, all to celebrate the firing of Steve Austin They actually run out of room in the ring, so Sable and most of DX stand of the floor. Finally, Vince McMahon rolls out to enjoy his first night post-Austin, though he doesn’t mention Stone Cold by name. Even though Austin refused to declare a winner last night, at Survivor Series there will finally be a new WWF champion crowned via a 16-man tournament.
McMahon shows a still of Steve Austin’s face on the Titantron from when he was fired, which Vince says felt better than sex. The firing was non-consensual of course. He then warns the rest of the roster that they could be next (to be fired, not to have sex) if they cross the boss. Finally, McMahon suggests a new t-shirt: “McMahon 3:16 says I’ve got the brass to fire your ass”. And it rhymes! Austin 3:16 didn’t even do that.
Austin then ruins the mood by appearing on the Titantron with a hunting rifle.
When WWF Raw returns, Vince McMahon is panicking, telling the Bossman to get his family out of the building while he and the stooges hole up in his office. Meanwhile, Steve Austin polishes his gun in his pickup truck. Can’t this show go two years without teasing an on-air murder?
Intercontinental champion Ken Shamrock, who last night smashed Triple H’s leg with a car door, faces the new European champion X-Pac in a rematch from last week. This time, however, no titles are on the line.
Footage airs of DX meeting Motley Crue on their tour bus. The Crue will be in Milwaukee tomorrow night for a WWF event; I bet they’ll even stick around six more days and show up on next week’s WWF Raw!
Shamrock wears down X-Pac with a series of vertical suplexes, then slaps on a front facelock so as not to distract from Chyna getting arrested. As two officers march her up the ramp, X-Pac breaks out and hits spinning heel kicks. An attempted Bronco Buster, however, knocks the starch out of him. Shamrock takes down X-Pac with a Frankensteiner, but before he can apply the ankle lock, Mankind distracts him. The IC champ brings Mankind into the ring, where Foley uses the Mandible Claw. The referee lets the match continue, and X-Pac hits his facebuster to win.
The victorious X-Pac has no time to celebrate, though, running backstage to check on Chyna, who is driven away in a police cruiser. Two officers tell X-Pac and the Outlaws to go away, then get starstruck by Steve Austin. The two cops, apparently Stone Cold fans, ask Austin about his “sidearm”. It’s a .38 Special, which, it turns out, is not just the nickname for Sable’s breasts, but also the name of a gun. The cops agree with Austin that it’s a nice “toy”, then ask for autographs.
Back on WWF Raw, Vince McMahon continues to panic, annoying the K-9 cop until he storms off the job.
Back in the ring, the Headbangers celebrate last night’s DQ victory with toy title belts. They face the Legion of Doom (with Hawk, who has been relegated to an alternate). Mosh and Thrasher nearly drop Droz on his head attempting a double Gordbuster, making this the second week in a row foreshadowing tragedies of 1999. In the end, it isn’t a high-impact move that wins the match for the Headbangers, but a distraction finish and a roll-up. After the match, Droz yells at Hawk for clapping and distracting him.
Backstage, the stooges all abandon Vince to go get coffee.
WWF Raw returns with a visit from Mr. Socko, McMahon’s new self-appointed head of security.
The Undertaker, now a heel for the first time in six years and re-aligned with Paul Bearer, comes to the ring for a promo. Bearer, explains The Undertaker, will lead his Ministry of Darkness. Taker admits that Paul Bearer is despicable, evil, and maniacal, (and probably a lot of other great qualities).
Paul Bearer says he has used Kane his whole life because Kane’s stupid.. “He’s your son, for God’s sakes,” protests Jim Ross. “You rotund demon!” The Kane pile-on continues, as Undertaker admits he set the fire all those years ago because Kane was weak. Will the same cops ignoring Steve Austin’s death threats at least arrest The Undertaker for that double murder? But there’s no need; Kane and The Undertaker will settle their differences in a casket match tonight, provided Taker accepts Kane’s challenge.
In McMahon’s hideout, Mankind ponders a possible Austin-McMahon friendship. During the break, he digs into his garbage bag full of games and apparently settles on Twister, as when WWF Raw returns, he’s on all fours with his butt to the camera. Vince tells him to get the hell out.
Steve Blackman, who last week was attacked by the Blue Blazer (Owen Hart? Jim Ross seems to think so) now faces Jeff Jarrett. But Jarrett doesn’t come alone; a year minus a day since calling her a dumb blonde, Jeff has Debra McMichael at his side. “They make quite the auspicious pair”, says Jim Ross, referring to Debra and (I think) Jeff.
Anyway, Blackman and Jarrett have a match for a while—moves, holds, etc.—until the Blue Blazer runs in and puts the boots to Blackman. Jarrett joins in, then fetches his guitar as the Blazer makes his exit. Al Snow rushes in to make the save, armed with Head, but instead he freezes, turns to Debra, and falls prey to a Jarrett guitar shot.
Backstage, with the stooges still out getting coffee, Vince gets a call from Austin, who tells him his time’s up and that he’s coming to get him. After the commercial, Vince calls his limo driver (who sounds like Michael Cole) and makes an escape plan. But when Vince makes it into the limo, Austin enters through the opposite car door, wails on him, and carts him away, hunting bow in hand.
WWF Raw returns with Austin asking Vince whether he’s ever killed anything and showing off his knife. Does the cameraman count as an accomplice here?
The Rock debuts a new electro theme song nobody remembers; it sounds like the Heat theme music minus the guitar. He faces D-Lo Brown, who cost him a match last night against Mark Henry. This time, Mark Henry costs D-Lo, inadvertently distracting the ref so Rock can punch him in the groin. D-Lo recovers quickly somehow and tosses Rock to the outside, where Henry can rough him up. Still, Rock hangs on to give Brown the People’s Elbow (getting perhaps its biggest pop ever) and, shortly after, the Rock Bottom for the victory.
Rock’s new theme plays for just a few seconds before cutting off in response to Brown and Henry’s double-teaming. Referees storm the ring but can’t prevent Mark Henry from splashing The Rock.
Back in the office, Austin takes his knife and viciously stabs… an apple. Nevertheless, Austin promises to “take” Vince’s “ass” tonight, but that McMahon won’t feel a thing. After the commercial, Austin moves on to the hunting bow.
Tiger Ali Singh is back with his David Byrne suit to talk about disgusting American food. To demonstrate, his manservant Babu (not to be confused with his original manservant, Abu) has a grill full of giant sausages. Tonight, Tiger offers five hundred dollars to anyone who can swallow the sausage whole.
His volunteer is a woman in her forties who downs the whole thing *and* pulls it out… twice. But The Godfather has an objection; as that woman’s former pimp, he requires a cut of the profit. This leads to a brawl with Singh, who didn’t I’m not saying this woman was an actual prostitute, but where exactly did the WWF find her?
The torture of Vince McMahon continues, with Steve Austin invoking the “squeal like a pig” scene from Deliverance. McMahon oinks at Austin’s behest without the need for… that other stuff. After the commercial, Stone Cold discusses the movie Misery and the feasibility of the leg-breaking scene. Steve duct tapes Vince’s mouth and arms before looking for a sledgehammer.
Val Venis, still hurting in the groin from his match with Goldust, jokes about his audition for last year’s film Anaconda. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are then taken aback by an older lady in the audience wearing devil horns who applauds Venis. Lawler then comments on Terri’s nipples.
Venis, who is cheered on by a line of guys in towels reading “Valbowski” on their chests, faces Mankind. Mankind puts Venis in the Mandible Claw, but while Terri (a Jezebel, notes Ross) distracts the referee, Ken Shamrock jabs Mankind in the knee with a chair. This allows Venis to pick up the pinfall victory. Mankind and Shamrock then brawl in the crowd while Val’s hot sax music plays over the PA.
With Terri and Val still in the ring, Goldust appears on the Titantron, gives a quote from First Blood (1982), and threatens to shatter Val’s dreams repeatedly. Terri whispers something to Val, smiling, but Venis storms off.
Austin, with Vince still taped up, repeats his assurance that when he does what he wants to McMahon, he won’t feel a thing. When WWF Raw from commercial, Stone Cold brings up the game show, You Bet Your Life and asks Vince to bet on the upcoming Kane-Undertaker match. Vince picks Kane, meaning if Kane doesn’t win the casket match, Austin will do things “the hard way”.
In the casket match, Taker clotheslines Kane over the top rope and into the casket, but Kane lands on his feet. The two brothers duke it out in the casket, capped off by a DDT from the Undertaker. The referees then shut the lid on both men, but rather than simply opening it back up, both men kick the sh*t out of the casket. Now that the casket can’t be locked, it really takes the stakes out of the match. Both opponents seem to agree, with Kane pursuing Paul Bearer up the ramp, Undertaker hitting him with a chair, and everyone walking backstage. The audience boos, but this outcome means that Steve Austin gets to murder Vince McMahon live on TV.
In WWF Raw’s final segment, Austin wheels McMahon backstage while the announcers scramble to explain the situation. Cameras lose track of Stone Cold and Vince for two minutes, leading Jerry to wonder whether (in so many words) Austin has killed his boss. Finally, they appear on the ramp, where Steve rolls Vince to the ring.
Austin replays Vince’s gloating from earlier tonight (McMahon 3:16, etc.), sticks a letter into Vince suit pocket, and puts a live shot of McMahon on the Titantron. The audience backs Austin’s campaign to make “Vince’s eyes… pop out of the front of his head”, so Austin pulls out a pistol. While McMahon contorts his face, cross-eyed in terror, Stone Cold pulls the trigger, revealing a banner reading, “Bang 3:16”.
Vince sticks his hand in his pocket (which contains a water bottle) before Austin brings him to his feet, revealing a stain running down Vince’s leg. “McMahon 3:16 says I just pissed my pants” says Stone Cold, who apparently won’t be charged with kidnapping because his weapon was just a lookalike. Austin gives McMahon two stunners before WWF Raw goes off the air.