WWF Raw kicks off with a video package featuring black and white footage of bomber planes, militarily parades, Mussolini, Kennedy, Joseph Stalin, and… no Gandhi. But it’s supposed to convey Vince McMahon’s master plan to take the title off Stone Cold.
Austin’s music hits, but instead Vince McMahon walks out with his stooges and police escorts. The boss carries the Smoking Skull belt, which he ran off with last night after Stone Cold was pinned by both his challengers. The fans are not happy, especially the one who wants to crucify McMahon.
McMahon promises Austin he will get no rematch, but instead a special tribute dubbed Stone Cold Steve Austin Night (plus a swarm of cops to welcome him!). He won’t get his special custom belt back, though, as McMahon is keeping it. In fact, he puts it around his own “svelte” waist. It seems he’s learned to pronounce that word since his USWA run.
As for the official WWF title belt, that will be given to a new champion tonight. Also on tonight’s WWF Raw, the Tag Team and European titles will be on the line. Could Val Venis win the belt before X-Pac even had a chance to take a real photograph with it?
Road Dogg talks the New Age Outlaws to the ring for the first time in weeks after his throat injury. They face Southern Justice next. Plus, Jerry Lawler will address his Man on the Moon costar Jim Carrey.
When WWF Raw returns, Jerry Lawler says Jim Carrey is not here “yet”, so he’s going to wait until Jim Carrey arrives before setting the record straight on their incident on the movie set.
Billy Gunn carries the match for the Outlaws and looks to have the match won with a Rocker Dropper (no one had yet thought to call it the FameAsser). When Jeff Jarrett tries to run in and break up the pin, Road Dogg cuts him off, but Gunn stops the pin anyway. He then sets Dennis Knight up for a piledriver, but Road Dogg instead smashes Knight with Jarrett’s guitar, causing a DQ. Billy Gunn shoves and argues with Road Dogg, drawing X-Pac to the ring. Mr. Ass then piefaces X-Pac, poking him in his injured eye.
Chyna wheels Triple H down the aisle (He had been attacked in the locker room by an unseen wrestler the night before), allowing Gunn to shove and argue with both of them.
After the break, Michael Cole stands outside D-X’s locker room, where he hears lots of arguing.
Dan Severn faces Owen Hart in a submission match, brought about by Severn’s abandonment of Hart in the Lion’s Den match. Makes sense, except that match happened at Summerslam in August, not Breakdown last night, and no one has mentioned it until now. Severn, a Michigan native, is the babyface here.
Severn and Owen trade tackles early on. Dan puts a dragon sleeper on Hart, who flips backwards to reverse it into an inverted piledriver. It’s the same move he used last year that crippled Steve Austin, complete with the ill-advised sit-down landing. And would you believe what happens next? Severn lies motionless in the ring, and a worried Owen backs off. Jim Ross uses his concerned worked-shoot voice to tell viewers that WWF Raw is cutting to commercial.
A voiceover announcer tells us that Triple H handles his opponents in the ring like Stri-Dex handles zits on your face. WWF Raw then returns as medics wheel Severn away on a stretcher. A replay shows that, worked-shoot or not, Owen really did drop Dan on his head.
Vader is here (Yeah, still), and he’s accompanied by Commissioner Slaughter. His opponent is Al Snow, who “upset” Slaughter in a bootcamp match (which Sarge hasn’t won since 1991). Snow can’t knock Vader off his feet until he stomps Vader’s foot then clotheslines him. He later hits an enzuigiri, but Slaughter pulls Snow’s leg to break up the pin. Finally, with the ref distracted, Snow hits Vader with Head and wins. Ross notes that Slaughter’s plan “backfired all over his massive chin”. Is it just me, or does that sound filthy?
In the parking lot, Mr. Ass walks away with his luggage.
Up next is a four-corners match for a European title shot. There are six men in it. Trust me, it kind of makes sense.
The WWF Rewind, sponsored by 10-10-321, sees Gangrel rescue Edge on last week’s Heat, then tell him to “come home”.
When WWF Raw returns, only Edge’s entrance airs, with all five of his opponents already in the ring. This match is contested under elimination rules, meaning you can only lose if you tag in. Edge beats Gangrel with a magistral cradle after about a minute. The action continues until Droz and Jeff Jarrett fall over the top rope. Naturally, they never come back, and both men are counted out.
Marc Mero quickly tries to hit Edge with the shooting star press he recently dubbed, “Marvelosity”, but D-Lo shakes the ropes, crotching him. Edge hits a huracanrana off the ropes, then dodges a Lo-Down that instead hits Mero. Edge pins Marc, then dives over the ropes onto Brown. However, a distraction by Gangrel and a long-haired young man (Christian) allows D-Lo to hit the Sky High for the victory.
An all-time bad graphic shows Vince McMahon with the Smoking Skull belt draped across his chest. He will present the standard WWF title belt up next on WWF Raw.
Sure enough, WWF Raw’s second hour begins with a red-carpeted ring featuring the WWF title in a display case. No one seems to notice that this is the “Winged Eagle” belt, which was retired after WrestleMania and replaced with the “Big Eagle”. Jim Ross, however, calls it “a new WWF title belt”.
McMahon won’t specify who exactly will be the new champion, as both Taker and Kane pinned Austin simultaneously last night. He does, however, introduce both men individually. Lawler wonders, if Undertaker is awarded the title, whether Kane will “explode” on him, much like Commissioner Slaughter’s plans exploded all over his chin. When Kane brings his arms down, however, his pyro does not go off; he must be saving his explosion for the Undertaker. Jim Ross, however, chalks it up to mind games.
McMahon acknowledges that both men deserve the title. “The two of you single-handedly covered Stone Cold Steve Austin”, he states, not knowing what “single-handedly” means. However, he is awarding the title to a third man: none other than Jim Carrey. Kidding! He’s never showing up.
During McMahon’s speech, Steve Austin appears in the parking lot driving a Zamboni. Stone Cold bursts through a gate and apparently runs over an important cable, as the sound cuts out. Sound is restored just in time for him to knock over some lights en route to the ring area. Fortunately, there is no ramp this week, so Austin drives straight to the ring, jumps over the ropes, and tackles McMahon. While police are quick to arrest Stone Cold, a second, inflatable Stone Cold hits the ring immediately after. In the struggle, McMahon and Austin kick at one another, causing one cop in the middle of the screen to flinch and flail his arms like a little girl.
As the officers work to remove Austin from the ring, Jim Ross apologizes for the audio issues created by Stone Cold’s Zamboni ride. Handcuffed and led up the aisle, Austin says he’s not through with Vince by a long shot, yet his lips don’t move for another five seconds. The delayed audio antics continue when cops load Austin in a police car and McMahon tells him, “Go to jail, you son of a bitch!” Twice! The second time, the video is synced up.
Replays air after WWF Raw returns, and the ceremony resumes. McMahon now reneges on his deal with Undertaker and Kane, saying that by letting Austin attack him (three times in a week), he’s going to make the two brothers fight it out for the title at the next pay-per-view, Judgment Day. Well, what else was he going to do, split the belt in half LayCool-style? Also, Steve Austin will be the referee.
Adding to the punishment, Vince is having Kane & Taker square off with Ken Shamrock, Mankind, and The Rock (who was supposed to get a title shot tonight). He calls Kane and Undertaker physically and mentally handicapped, respectively, then tries to walk away. However, Undertaker grabs his lapel and tells him to watch his ass.
When the Demons of Destruction (this is a nickname used last night on Heat) turn around, Vince flips them off but gets caught. Undertaker punch-punch-punches McMahon before his brother helps stomp him. Taker puts Vince in a kneebar while Kane holds back Pat Patterson (Gerald Brisco is also at ringside but doesn’t do anything). Kane then takes out Brisco anyway, then helps Taker break Vince’s ankle with the steps.”Oh my God!” says Ross. “Oh my God!”
“Oh my God!” he continues.
When WWF Raw returns from break, Sub-Zero holds McMahon’s foot in place and yells for an ambulance. Why is there no ambulance? everyone wonders, having already forgotten Dan Severn’s paralysis and stretcher job thirty minutes earlier. Mankind helpfully offers Vince a drink of his soda, but McMahon doesn’t sip.
Chyna arrives for a gig as special referee for Faarooq vs. Mark Henry. Last night, Mark Henry allegedly injured Triple H’s knee, leading Chyna to hit him with a pipe and make him kiss her ass.
According to Jim Ross, Triple H did indeed have knee surgery last week, but that he was going to wrestle Mark Henry anyway until he made him injured-er. Faarooq also exists and has a pulse, so he’s in this match as well.
In the first minute and a half of the match, Chyna refuses to count Mark Henry’s pin, then punches him in the groin and fast-counts him, giving the win to Faarooq. As she stands over the fallen Henry, a guy in a suit hands her an envelope, which she opens and throws away.
The ambulance has finally returned to the arena, where Vince McMahon is being loaded in, still refusing Mankind’s soda.
Backstage, Michael Cole interviews Ken Shamrock, who is wearing Sable’s Fully Loaded bikini.
Real man’s man Steve Regal uses an excavator to move rocks in a vignette.
Detroit’s own Insane Clown Posse rap the Oddities to the ring, yelling, “Hands like this!” repeatedly. Golga has a new, bigger Cartman doll to replace the one the Headbangers destroyed last week. The ‘Bangers rush in and double-team Golga to begin the match, including a powerbomb from Thrasher to Mosh onto Golga. After Golga tags in, the ICP trip Thrasher, who is then pinned by Kurrgan.
Backstage, The Rock complains about jabronis but still thinks he’s the number one contender for the WWF title (even though there’s a title match at the next pay-per-view that doesn’t include him).
Also, Terri Runnels looks for her earrings off screen while Val Venis relaxes. Why bother putting that on TV? Boring!
Val Venis and Terri (who seems to have found her earrings) come out for Val’s match with X-Pac. Following a Venis promo about Motor City and headlights, X-Pac arrives with a patch over his eye.
Venis takes advantage of Pac’s covered eye until he rips off the patch; since he doesn’t then target that eye, all this does is help X-Pac see. The champ fights back with kicks—scintillating kicks, at that—but Terri trips him. This draws out Chyna, who shoves Terri for old time’s sake. She and X-Pac put the boots to Venis, who wins by DQ. Ironically, the announcers claim Chyna isn’t Val’s type, yet she and X-Pac will be the only two people at ringside to appear in an actual p0rno. Just when the coast is clear for Venis and Terri, Goldust’s music and Titantron video play, followed by a voiceover by Goldust himself saying he’s coming back. While he doesn’t actually appear, he treats the couple to a golden shower.
Backstage, Mankind calls the People’s Elbow the worst move in wrestling history. He also says he split the People’s Eyebrow like the Clintons’ marriage when Bill leaves office. He’ll turn out to be wrong, but the People’s Eyebrow still has a better chance of ending up in the White House again.
It’s time for WWF Raw’s main event. Ken Shamrock and Mankind, supposedly partners, enter first and brawl before The Rock (whose ovation Jim Ross notes) shows up to complete the Triple Threat match that isn’t. Finally, Kane & Taker arrive and start the actual match.
The three-man team continue to take cheap shots at each other, making it easier for the brothers to dominate the match. Also making it easier are the microphone cable and steel chair that Undertaker and Kane respectively use on Mankind. Foley gets a foot on the rope to avoid a pin, then DDTs Taker before making the hot tag to The Rock. Kane breaks up the pin after a People’s Elbow, but the three opponents finally start making regular tags.
A miscommunication between Taker and Rock leads to a botched Rock Bottom attempt, but the two men repeat the spot, and Rocky scores the pinfall. After the match, Taker and Kane argue.
Final tally:
Bill Clinton references: 1
Jim Carrey appearances: 0