WWF Raw – September 12th, 1998 – Tsongas Arena – Lowell, MA
Too much tug, and not enough slide! It’s time for WWF Raw, coming to us at 7pm on a Saturday night thanks to USA’s coverage of the US Open.
Jeff Jarrett comes through the curtain first, wearing the same shirt from last week. this time, though, it says, “Don’t P*ss me off”. The outline of the iron-on “I” is still visible. Jim Ross seems caught off guard when Edge’s music plays as if he wasn’t Double J’s scheduled opponent. Lawler erroneously refers to him as “The Edge” when noting his long hair, which he wouldn’t want buzzed off like Jeff’s. Ross notes that Jeff’s new hair and attitude come courtesy of X-Pac; prior to their match at SummerSlam, Jarrett had long blond hair and apparently enjoyed getting pissed off.
Speaking of SummerSlam, tonight on WWF Raw we’ll see the Lion’s Den match in honor of the Raw portion of this taping running short.
Southern Justice saunters to the ring and in short order trip Edge as he runs the ropes. Jarrett later performs a “reverse Russian leg sweep” later known as The Stroke. While the commentators speculate on Edge’s prior association with Gangrel, the trouble young man hit Jarrett with a series of suplexes. These put Jarrett down only momentarily, for he pops up as soon as Southern Justice slide a guitar to him; Jeff swings for the fences and gets DQ’d while Edge, the victor, lies triumphant on the mat wearing a guitar as a headband.
Dennis Knight flashes a business card for anyone watching wrestling on a Saturday night and in need of a bodyguard.
Tonight on WWF Raw, says the on-screen graphic, we will see Stone Cold, Kane, and The Undertaker. In a match? No, as Jim Ross explains, the announcers will talk about them; the three men were announced last week on Heat for a Triple Threat match at the next pay-per-view. While last week’s WWF Raw wasn’t deemed important enough for such a blockbuster announcement, surely tonight’s episode, which airs the day before Heat and two days before the next WWF Raw, will be a monumental one.
Bradshaw now faces Droz in a Brawl For All rematch, but this time with a special stipulation: a wrestling match. Jim Ross notes Drozdov’s football career while both announcers explain that Bradshaw was simply too mean for the NFL. Hawk, on the other hand, is too drunk for the WWF, having checked into rehab as of last Sunday according to a phone call on last week’s Heat. One announcer notes that Bradshaw wears a size triple E boot, and surprisingly, it’s not Jim Ross.
Droz ducks the Clothesline From Hell and delivers his own clothesline (from New Jersey) before Bradshaw uses the ropes for a cheap victory. He then hits his clothesline for good measure.
Tonight, we will see footage never before seen on broadcast television of Sable wrestling. This includes her WrestleMania mixed tag match alongside Marc Mero (with whom she is now feuding) against The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust (now born again) and Luna Vachon (now her dear friend). Filler? I hardly know ‘er!
A September calendar shows off all the WWF’s live event dates for the month; this includes the WWF Raw taping in Lowell from two Tuesdays ago (which we’re watching right now), as well as a Saturday night show in Seattle taking place tonight.
Continuing with tonight’s theme, a lengthy recap of last week’s WWF Raw and Heat fills some more time.
In a commercial for WWF’s Bone Crunchin’ Buddies toys, a young boy has Police Chief Hopper choke out Kevin Bacon.
Marc Mero (with Jacqueline) walks through the travel-sized WWF Raw set to face Miguel (one of the Boricuas). Seconds after a children’s toy commercial aired, Jerry is already making Monica Lewisnky cigar jokes about Jackie. The fans seem similarly enthused about Mero’s valet, chanting “Jackie” in between their typical chants of “Sable” and “Mero sucks”.
Perez gets a lot more offense in tonight than in his last televised singles match (fifteen months ago, also against Mero), hitting the Marvelous one with dropkicks and a standing moonsault. Still, Mero puts him away with a TKO “out of nowhere” in JR’s words. This never became a meme, though.
Backstage, Michael Cole speaks with Luna and the Insane Clown Posse as the two giants hold their noses. Lawler explains that Golga has had flatulence. On that note, it’s time for a DOA match.
The ICP rap the Oddities’ entrance theme, while backstage, Paul Ellering points a Wall Street Journal at the camera and threatens to drop the Oddities like the Dow Jones.
Early in the match, Golga breaks the top rope while running, making this the most interesting Disciples of Apocalypse match ever. One of the bald guys then chokes Golga with the rope, then tries to tie up Golga’s leg before the ICP run in, ending the match in a DQ. The Disciples lay waste to the clowns and ride off.
This week’s Pennzoil Rewind is the Brothers of Destructions’ double-teaming of The Rock. This was provoked by Vince McMahon calling the two brothers, “wussies”. Ross admits that this wasn’t the exact word, but that he won’t say the real thing. This would be the time to say his mama’s watching, but we all know ain’t no one watching this.
The Rock comes to the ring to assure the fans that he is still the People’s Champion despite his loss of the Intercontinental Title. On the other hand, Kane and The Undertaker are two jabronis who need to know their roles; Rocky’s subsequent vow to “lay the smack down” on his candy ass is met with cheers.
The ten-minute Ken Shamrock-Owen Hart Lion’s Den match now airs in its entirety.
Earlier tonight, Southern Justice handed Jeff Jarrett a guitar reading, “Don’t P- – – Me Off!” Now, they have a match again Too Much, another heel team; this would help explain the crowd’s general apathy. While King and Jim Ross debate the correct surgical metaphor for Dan Severn being boring (charisma bypass vs. personality transplant), Southern Justice wins with the Problem Solver.
Dustin Runnels is already in the ring when opponent Vader makes his entrance. Regarding Dustin’s claim that “He is coming back”, Jerry Lawler repeats rumors that, in essence, Jesus Christ will return on WWF Raw this Monday. Val Venis, on the other hand, claims to have “come” already according to his own picket sign.
“Big old stinky Vader” (in Jim Ross’s words) has lost a lot of weight recently according to Ross, despite his nickname (“Big old stinky Vader”). On top of that achievement, Vader scores a rare victory with a Vader Bomb, Runnels having been distracted by Venis on the outside.
Up next on WWF Raw is “exclusive footage of Sable wrestling”, consisting of cut-up clips from WrestleMania and SummerSlam; Lawler tells girlfriend Stacy Carter to tape this on their VCR.
Al Snow is now on the loose, to the approval of one fan with a sign reading, “Give us head!” But, in a bit of self-censorship dwarfing Double J’s, he has bleeped out the word, “give”. Al asks the fans, “What does everybody want?”, etc., providing the famous sound bites for his theme song. Jerry Lawler, though, complains that he’s talking about Bill Clinton, even though King is the one who’s been making non-stop Clinton-Lewinsky references all night (For example: Hillary and Monica would make a terrible tag team, as would Bill and Ken Starr).
Al refuses to leave until he can see a WWF higher-up (presumably to g**e Snow a contract). In response, Patterson, Brisco, and Slaughter come to the ring to talk sense into him (and kick him out). But Snow is having none of it, claiming that brand-new Commissioner Head has reinstated him and requesting to know his opponent. When the stooges refuse, Al hits Patterson in the groin with the head and flees into the crowd.
The D-Generation X “Down here” t-shirt is on sale now so you can point strangers in the direction of your dick. Frankly, I think the arrow should be pointing at the neck hole.
D-Lo Brown and Mark Henry now face the Headbangers, who complain to Michael Cole that they never wrestle on WWF Raw, so this must be Shotgun Saturday Night. Cole explains that it’s WWF Raw Saturday Night, which is sufficiently second-rate to feature the Headbangers. As for the Bangers’ strategy, Thrasher says they’ll feed Mark Henry “a bush load of bananas”; this last word is censored, and Thrasher’s mouth digitally scrambled, so viewers might think he said, “shit” (which would have been far less offensive).
As D’Lo scraps with Mosh, Ross notes that Brown will battle “The Big Red Machine” tomorrow night, using the nickname for Kane he’s been using since SummerSlam. The announcers spent most of the match discussing Mark Henry’s sex life re: Chyna, with Lawler interrupting to ask whether it was a tooth that flew out Mosh’s mouth (It wasn’t. It never is, Jerry). The Headbangers double-team D-Lo on the outside before Chyna rushes in and tackles Henry; Chyna wails on Mark until referees and D-X pull her away.
It’s time for D-X to wrestle in an eight-man tag; their entrance features about a ten-second shot of Billy Gunn’s ass. Meanwhile, the announcers promote tomorrow night’s Heat, featuring Stone Cold’s response to Vince McMahon; Lawler says it will be bigger than Ken Starr’s report.
D-X’s opponents tonight are Kaientai; the Japanese quartet’s chances are slim, but they could at least earn a moral victory if they can make it through the match without Triple H doing the eye thing.
Triple H, showing utter disdain for opponents’ abilities, tags in while still wearing his Kangol hat. Unlike his buddy Shawn Michaels, Hunter quickly loses his hat after a kick from Men’s Teoh. For the offense, Teoh is forced to eat chops and Triple H’’s high knee. That’s high knee, despite what Lawler thought Ross said. Later, Kaientai quadruple-teams Road Dogg until he tags out to X-Pac; Pac demolishes Taka with his crotch-based offense and an Outlaws-assisted flapjack X-Factor for the victory.
Post-match, Chyna knocks over Yamaguchi-san, and Triple H urges a female fan to remove her DX-branded shorts. Jim Ross, whose Mama’s watching after all, hopes the young lady won’t comply. She does in fact moon DX, but with a logo added in post to cover her thong underwear (The fan’s, not JR’s mama).
Final tally:
1 JR’s Mama (Year total: 11)