WWF Raw – April 6th, 1998

WWF Raw – April 6th, 1998 – Oncenter – Syracuse, NY

This week’s WWF Raw opens with highlights from last week’s episode: Austin’s Stunner to Vince McMahon, Austin’s arrest, the debut of Kai En Tai (actually, that last one was cut from the montage due to time constraints)

Too much Charles, and not enough Di! It’s time for WWF Raw is War, where Michael Cole promises “one heck of an evening”. For one thing, Luna Vachon will wrestle a man in the WWF’s first-ever “mixed-gender” match—that is, if you don’t include her mixed tag with Dink, or all her match in WWF Raw for SNES and Genesis.

Vince McMahon receives a lousy welcome as he comes to the ring. The boss says that having Steve Austin arrested was the hardest decision he’d ever had to make in his career. Just think of all the people over the years he didn’t have arrested! But, says Vince, Austin was released the same night and learned his lesson. Thus, Vince promises a “new and improved” Steve Austin, staking a refund on it.

Jim Cornette leads Dan “The Beast” Severn to the ring for his WWF debut. Together, they carry four belts. Severn’s music sounds like a minor key version of the 1-2-3 Kid’s theme. A highlight package airs of Severn’s MMA career, this time set to the stock piece “Helpless”. Severn, or “Sevrin”, as the announcers call him, faces Flash Funk.

Giant Freddie Mercury takes down Funk with a waistlock takedown, then tries a cross arm breaker that Flash escapes via rope break. He then takes down Funk again and slaps the sides of his head. Funk sneaks in a sliver of offense with a spinning kick before Severn wins with an arm bar.

The new D-X makes a ruckus coming down the stairs, with Billy Gunn knocking on the women’s locker room door. They’re on next.

The 10-321 WWF Rewind is last week’s attack by D-X on Terry Funk and Cactus Jack in the cage.

Michael Cole identifies all five members of D-X by name, including the newly christened X-Pac. Meanwhile, Shawn Michaels is at home recovering from a variety of injuries and has refused to comment on the new D-X lineup. I’m sure he’ll be back in the ring soon.

The Road Dogg introduces the WWF Tag Team Champions of the world (himself and Bad Ass Billy Gunn, the New. Age. Outlaws). D-X, he says, are “the youngest and most capable athletes” in the business, although Gunn is 34 years old already. X-Pac makes digs at the oldsters in WCW, contrasting them with D-X, who is “gettin’ jiggy with it”. Triple H asks the WWF, “You want a war?” and responds, “You got it!” Now where have I heard that before? Since this is the D-X army, Hunter has some words to say about the discharge from his “bazooka” that will end up on a Val Venis shirt (the words, that is). Also, suck it.

When WWF Raw returns, DX harass a stagehand for being Mexican (Taco Bell, chihuahuas, etc.), tag him with spray paint, and stuff him in a trash can.

Steve Blackman enters with his Fliipino sticks to take on Too Sexy Brian Christopher (already in the ring). Too Sexy imitates Blackman’s stickery and instantly regrets it after getting kicked in the gut. Tennessee Lee, whom JR erroneously calls Jeff Jarrett’s “erstwhile promoter”, then walks to the announce table for guest commentary. Ross presses Lee about his “big surprise”, which turns out to be a joint Double J-Sawyer Brown concert at Unforgiven. Lee brags about Sawyer Brown winning “CWA” awards, mixing up the Country Music Association with Continental Wrestling Association, before correcting himself. After Lee leaves, Blackman traps Christopher’s arm and makes him submit to an abdominal stretch.

Tennessee Lee then returns with a microphone to give an extra-long introduction to Double J, who sneaks up behind a distracted Blackman. Jarrett cracks his guitar over Steve Blackman and calls it “a smash hit” (like his 1995 single, “With My Baby Tonight”).


D-X is in the parking lot now for more antics. Stumbling upon the Disciples of Apocalypse’s motorcycles, Triple H triple-dog dares the other members (a slight breach of etiquette) to “whiz” on the bikes. Fortunately, they’re already yellow. “It’s better to be whizzed off than whizzed on,” says Cole (He really says this).

The Bop It Slam of the Week is the LOD 2000’s Doomsday Device to Jesús.

Cactus Jack now sits in the ring with a neck brace to cut a promo, which is something wrestlers can do now. Jack says Terry Funk is so injured that he can’t make it to WWF Raw, but that the night of WrestleMania, Funk had told him he could finally retire a WWF champion. Of course, since he and Cactus would lose those titles the following night, he’d have to wait another 19 years to call it quits.

Foley resents that fans chanted for Stone Cold last week when they heard Steve Austin would be coming back to the arena, even as Foley and Funk were being carried out of the ring. All this, even after Foley reverted to the Cactus Jack persona as the fans had wanted for years. Foley then asks for an apology from the crowd, which he doesn’t receive, then vows that Cactus Jack will be gone for a long time. For some reason, the announcers treat this as a retirement speech, despite Foley having at least two spare personas.

Footage from earlier today shows The Nation of Domination beating their former leader Faarooq outside the arena. The remaining members now march to the ring as Michael Cole explains that The Rock, the Nation’s new “ruler”, will “lay the smack down” on any member who gets out of line. “Finally, the People’s Champ has returned to Syracuse, says The Rock, who’s just been churning out the new catchphrases these past few weeks.

Owen Hart challenges The Rock for the Intercontinental title Owen beat him for about a year ago. The two men wrestle a very New Generation-style match in the early going, full of arm drags and wrist lock escapes. After Kama trips Owen, the referee ejects him, Mark Henry, and D-Lo Brown, much as the umpire did to NY Mets manager Bobby Valentine today. When all the hubbub dies down, Owen slaps a sleeper on The Rock, who counters with a DDT and later, The People’s Elbow. Hart bounces back and delivers ten punches in the corner and a spinning heel kick. The Blackhart escapes a Rock Bottom and puts the champ in a Sharpshooter until Chyna rushes in and smacks him from behind with a bat. Owen wins by DQ as WWF Raw morphs into the WarZone.

We’re All Together Now” opens WWF Raw’s second hour, where Vince McMahon walks to the ring with two uniformed officers. All night, Michael Cole has been excited to see the new, corporate Steve Austin, but Jerry Lawler has taken his spot at the announce desk. He too looks forward to seeing the new Stone Cold, whom he calls, “Vince McMahon’s bitch”. Behind Jim and Jerry, some sick fan waves a woman’s decapitated head.

McMahon gives a hearty introduction to Steve Austin, who arrives in a suit and baseball cap to a mixed reaction. Vince paraphrases Neil Armstrong regarding Austin’s small step and the WWF’s giant leap. But then, Vince points out that Austin is still wearing wrestling boots and a baseball cap, throwing the latter out to the audience. The audience boos Vince and the corporate makeover, except, presumably, the one fan who caught Austin’s hat. Stone Cold reflects on his time in jail and the uphill battle he’d have against Vince, while Vince himself smiles rather pervertedly.

Finally, Austin hands a camera to one of the cops for a photo op with Vince, then tells McMahon he’ll never wear a suit again. Austin strips down to a t-shirt and trunks, then slaps Vince in the yam bag. Stone Cold then snaps a photo of Vince bent over clutching his crotch. The important thing is, there will be no refund for the fans.

Stone Cold’s striptease airs again after WWF Raw returns.

The Disciples of Apocalypse, in a pissy mood after D-X’s antics, walk to the ring instead of riding in on their motorcycles. One of the bald guys calls the D-X prank “bull****” and asks whether they had the balls to fight the DOA., since they had “the balls to p*** on our motorcycles”. Although pee is stored in the balls, the pun is unintentional. DOA Bald’s voice cracks as he lays down the challenge.

“There’s a lot of talk about balls tonight”, observes Jerry Lawler.

Luna comes to the ring with the Artist Formerly Known as Goldust, currently dressed as Goldust. Luna will wrestle the WWF’s first-ever mixed gender match between two people of approximately the same height. Already in the ring is enhancement talent Matt Knowles, whom Goldust attacks before the bell.

After enduring snake eyes and a vertical suplex from Goldust, Knowles is easy prey for Luna, who monkey-flips him out of the corner. Luna hits a diving headbutt—or possibly a very short splash—and pins her male opponent. Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler argue that Sable is unpopular, as everyone he knows wants to see her lose the evening gown match. Jim Ross reminds everyone that the match ends when one woman is “stripped down to their bra and panties”, enunciating that last word especially.

Val Venis is back again, comparing himself favorably to Jack Nicholson and plugging his new film, “As Hard As It Gets”, where he rises to the occasion, etc. The text on the screen says Val Venis is “coming”. I get it! Like, coming to your bedroom to have sex.

Marc Mero and Sable arrive as Jim Ross confirms a D-X vs. DOA match here tonight. Unfortunately, the extra match means less time for random wrestlers to come to the ring with a mic. Speaking of which, Mero grabs the mic before his match and tells Sable to get the hell out. Sable is offended, of course, but blows the fans kisses and waves goodbye as she gets the hell out.

Ken Shamrock, allegedly the first UFC champion Sable ever cheated on Marc with, arrives for his match against Mero. Ross notes that Shamrock had the IC title won at WrestleMania but lost it due to his temper, but Jerry Lawler disagrees; Ken didn’t lose his temper, he snapped. Great insight by the King.

As the two opponents grapple, Lawler makes a joke about DOA that relies on the words “yours” and “urine” sounding similar. When Shamrock attempts a huracanrana, Mero counters with a powerbomb, then tries a TKO. Shamrock counters this and hits a belly-to-belly, then leaves the ring as the Nation storms in. Shamrock grabs a chair and clears the ring, then has a stand-off with the Nation until Mark Henry ambushes him. Now can the ref ring the bell? D’Lo frogsplashes Shamrock, which luckily doesn’t lead to Internal Injuries™.

In a commercial for Stone Cold University, Michael Cole lists off the prerequisites, which include the purchase of an SCU t-shirt. Sounds like a scam to me.

Afterwards, Shamrock is still in the ring being helped up by referees.

WWF Raw returns from a longer commercial break with an Undertaker in-ring interview with Kevin Kelly. Doesn’t Taker know he can cut out the middle man and just bring a mic with him? The Undertaker explains that he beat Kane at WrestleMania because his soul was more pure. As far as the Inferno Match goes, it will be the beginning of Kane’s eternal damnation (or tarnation, for short). Paul Bearer then appears on the Titantron at Undertaker’s parents’ gravesite (not that there’s a Titantron at the cemetery). Kane smashes the two grave stones, then lights the graves on fire. What in tarnation!

It’s now time for the six-man main event, booked just half an hour ago. It makes you wonder what the main event was going to be before D-X peed on those bikes. Jerry Lawler notes that, just like Kane went too far by setting his parents’ graves on fire, so too did D-X by pissing on the DOA’s motorcycles. If only D-X had pissed on the fire instead, they could have saved the day. Another replay airs of D-X urinating on those beautiful Titan motorcycles, which the announcers don’t identify by brand tonight. Probably wouldn’t be good advertising, anyway.

DOA rush to the ring on foot while their bikes dry, clearing the ring of Triple H and the New Age Outlaws. X-Pac, still injured, is on commentary. In the ring, Brian Lee clotheslines Road Dogg and chops his (Lee’s) crotch. The Dogg retreats to his corner and grabs Mr. Ass’s namesake.

Road Dogg, by the way, wears an unpopular shirt featuring a toilet and “D X” spelled out in brown letters.

Billy Gunn tags in and tries to pose, but a bald DOA member interrupts, then tags in his brother. The former Blu Twins double-team their Summerslam 1995 opponent until Billy tags out to Hunter. Jim Ross calls Triple H, who tonight dared his friends to piss on some motorcycles, “very cerebral”. After kneeing Skull in the face, Hunter tags out to Road Dogg, who shakes, rattles, and rolls with a knee drop. X-Pac, who last week vowed to “rip ass” on the WWF, tells Roadie to “put a little stank on it”. After X-Pac explains to Jim Ross why he’s in the WWF again (without mentioning that he got fired from WCW), WWF Raw goes to its final commercial break.

With four minutes left in the broadcast, one of the bald guys side-slams Triple H, leading to a double down. Chainz gets the hot tag, which draws all six men into the ring. Brian Lee repeatedly hits Hunter in the face with his “big boot”, which Ross pronounces to rhyme with “foot”, then powerslams him. Billy Gunn breaks up the pin attempt, drawing one of the other Disciples into the ring. As he takes care of Billy, he watches Hunter Pedigree Chainz right in front of him but does nothing to break up the pinfall.

After D-X’s victory, they lay out the DOA with chairs. With Chainz isolated, Jerry Lawler suspects D-X is going to urinate on him, but luckily, they merely spike-piledrive him onto a chair, then tie him to the ropes. LOD 2000 make the save, teaming with Skull and 8-Ball to fend off D-X. Meanwhile, Chainz is still tied at one wrist, allowing X-Pac to continue beating on him as WWF Raw goes off the air.

Discuss This Crap!