Family Feud is no stranger to the world of wrestling. In the past, they have hosted shows featuring performers from the WWF, WCW, GLOW, and even the WBF. Ray Combs, who took over for Richard Dawson, made numerous appearances at WWF events, and 1993′s Survivor Series even featured a “Family Feud Match” between the Hart family and Jerry Lawler’s masked knights (although, given the infamous allegations that caused Lawler to drop out, it perhaps should have been called, “The Wild & Crazy Kids Match”). In 2010, Family Feud decided to devote an entire week to TNA Wrestling, which is several orders of magnitude longer than any wrestling fan did during the ill-fated Monday Night War that year.
The premise of Family Feud is that contestants must guess popular answers given by 100 people in response to survey questions. In the final round, two members of the winning team each give quick answers to five such questions in an effort to earn “Fast Money.”
When watching Family Feud, it’s a safe bet that you can guess the number one answer with 33% accuracy before you even hear the question. If it’s not breasts, it’s penis or testicles. Of course, you’re not supposed to think of those naughty answers, wink wink, given innocuous questions like, “Name a reason a man may have trouble paying attention when talking to a woman” or “Name a famous one-eyed monster.” I may have made that last one up. Anyway, most of the show’s humor is derived from people giving the obvious risqué answers to questions, then having Steve Harvey pretend to be shocked and chagrined and wonder if the show will get pulled of the air.
|The Feud’s producers must not have thought much of wrestling fans, though, as they kicked off TNA week with a question that made the aforementioned items seem downright subtle in comparison. Contestants were asked to name something women do to make their busts look larger. Astonishingly, Matt Morgan beat Angelina Love to the buzzer and got the male team (Morgan, Mick Foley, Mr. Anderson, Jay Lethal, and Rob Van Dam) to field their answers.|
|All was well until Mr. Anderson answered, “Get pregnant.”|
|Astonishingly, the resident experts known as the Knockouts (Love, Velvet Sky, Lacey von Erich, Tara, and Christie Hemme) were unable to field an answer given by the survey respondents, thus awarding the points to the male wrestlers.|
|This, for the record, was the complete answer board.|
|Like clockwork, the next question revolved around testicles, asking contestants to name something a squirrel does with his nuts. Hey-o! The guys managed to steal from the Knockouts (much like TNA management with their miniscule payouts for female wrestlers) and take the points. And wouldn’t you know, a few wise guys in the survey responded, “scratch them.”|
|Steve Harvey was, as mandated by his contract, flabbergasted.|
|When asked for something people have trouble holding onto, Mr. Anderson responded with, “a job” before adding, “especially when suplexing that prima donna Randy Orton in a Raw main event.”|
|No one said “penis” or “breasts,” a fact that may have legitimately astounded Harvey.|
|When asked about something a mansion might have a dozen of, one member of the men’s team rang in with “gardeners.” Any guesses on who that botanically-minded wrestler might have been?|
|The guys swept the girls on day one and were greeted by SoCal Val, who claimed to be in the lobby with “all the fans from the Impact Zone.” The camera panned out to reveal literally eight people. She must have meant “all the fans willing to pay to get into the Impact Zone.”|
|Mick Foley and Jay Lethal played the Fast Money Round with $20,000 at stake. I’m assuming that the money would go to charity; I’m just wondering if “TNA wrestlers who aren’t friends of Hulk Hogan” was a registered non-profit.|
|Worth noting is that Mr. Anderson was wearing a shirt depicting a donkey (or “ass”) with a hole in it. It was good to see that nine years after Dusty Rhodes and his trusty burro Silver Dollar, donkey-related puns were as amusing as ever.|
|Speaking of amusing as ever, Day 2 kicked off with the following survey question: “Name a part of your body on which you’d hate to get a wart.” Gee, I wonder what they’re getting at here? Lacey von Erich took the bait, responding, “Your genitals.”
|The editors must have cut out the part where she added, “again.”|
|Christy Hemme’s answer of “chest” yielded no points, which is too bad, because I think this exact question was asked of Hemme and company in the Diva Search.|
|Next, the teams were asked to name something they might slide down. Whuh-oh! Angelina Love took the relatively classy route and answered, “a pole.”
“Name something people get caught in.”
Good thing Hogan wasn’t here, lest we hear the Hulkster say, “sex tape with your best friend’s wife.”
“Name something you’d want to be near on an airplane.”
No doubt to the surprise of Ric Flair, no one said Ric Flair’s genitals. You would think that a question like this couldn’t possibly be made bawdy, but then Lacey answered, “a hot guy” and came on to Steve about “hot chocolate.”
|SoCal Val made another appearance with the same eight TNA fans. Was TNA bribing its fans with airfare to LA and a week-long hotel stay just to show up for Impact tapings?|
|After two episodes, both teams had managed to nearly win the Fast Money round with 200 points, only to just fail to get over. Surprisingly, Bischoff and Hogan didn’t immediately replace the players with the Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart.|
“Name something men wear that women think is sexy.”
Who’d be the one to answer, “nothing at all”? That would be Velvet, but she got no points for it. Stupid sexy Flanders.
“Name another word for stink.”
The guys had an unfair advantage here, as having a direct view of the Knockouts across the room was itself a visual cue.
“Name a place where people aren’t shy about making out in public.”
“The grocery store,” said Lacey. That wasn’t a top answer, but it did raise a few more questions.
“Name something an inconsiderate person will hog from others.”
Good thing this was TNA and not WWE, as I’m pretty sure Batista would have answered, “Melina.”
|The TNA stars were three shows in, and they still had yet to win the $20,000 on any of the episodes. To make up the difference in revenue, TNA had to schedule another year’s worth of pay-per-views.|
|At this point, I should mention the Family Feud title belt on display on the center podium. I’m not sure if that was another of those extraneous championships TNA was making around the time, akin to the International Title and the Knockouts Tag Team Title.
|With only two shows left to scrounge up some cash, the contestants answered questions on sexy fruits for women, things of yours that are dirty, and things your new boyfriend might confess to you (“He has an STD,” said Lacey. Again, more questions than answers).|
“Name something some people do frequently and others, not at all.”
“Job, brother,” said an unidentified voice backstage. Not on the list: “watch Impact.” Nobody does that frequently.
“Name something you might find in the trunk of a criminal’s car.”
RVD opted for, “a body,” rather than, “18 grams of marijuana and five Vicodin pills.”
|Day 4 once again yielded no $20,000 prize. On the plus side, RVD’s contractually obligated number of appearances hadn’t yet run out, so he could return for the fifth and final day. Do you think these Feud appearances counted towards his quota? Because I can’t think of any other way that TNA could have let their champion’s contract run out mid-title reign.|
“Name an animal not stupid enough to hire Hogan and Bischoff to run a company with its money.”
|After their fifth consecutive day on the Feud, the wrestlers and Knockouts had managed to win the Fast Money round exactly zero times. While the few hundred dollars they did earn each episode might have dwarfed their average paydays, the sports-entertainers’ poor showing didn’t do much for their company’s image. If TNA needed to show a nationwide audience that they were out of touch with what Americans think, they could have just stuck with having Orlando Jordan squirt himself with lotion on Impact.|
|The two teams of Total Nonstop Action were, however, granted $10,000 each in pity money, which would help them pay the costs of airfare, life-saving surgeries, and whatever else their TNA contracts didn’t cover.|
That still wouldn’t cover the embarrassment of consistently losing even after five days of practice, though. If I could think of one survey question to sum up this week of Family Feud, it would be, “Name something that the TNA wrestlers walked away with tucked between their legs.”
Lacey: “Their junk!”
Steve: “Ooooooooh my goodness. This is a family show, Lacey! We’re gonna get thrown off the air! Let’s see ‘their junk’! Is it up there?”
Steve: “Number one answer! What is wrong with these people!? Have mercy.”