INDUCTION: The 30th Anniversary of PILEDRIVER – A Scene by Scene Super Analysis!

68 Submitted by on Thu, 13 July 2017, 20:00

WWF, 1987

I’ve been bingeing Prime Time Wrestling on the Network of late.  I mean, not that it’s anything new for me; I’ve long made known my love for this television progrem, so I won’t bore you with details about it again.  I binged it long before the Network existed (on good ol’ fashioned VHS tapes I recorded from the original airings), and long before the term ‘binge’ existed for watching junk over and over.  I’m not going to tell you that it is required viewing for anyone visiting this site; I’ve done that a zillion times.  You either get it by now or your a hopeless loser who never will.

Suffice to say I’m nearing the end of 1987, which means each and every week Gorilla is here to shill this little item:

Piledriver!

Or if I must for the anal retentive of you out there, Piledriver: The Wrestling Album II!

Man that brings back memories.  Not only memories of when I first saw that thing hit the air, but fond recollections of when I first started this website. From day one, I knew one of the first articles I was going to pen would cover Piledriver.  How could it not? It was the epitome of WrestleCrap, what the site was designed to be all about.

It had been several years since I looked at the original induction in the archives (which you can access and help out the site in doing so by donating here).  I was kinda curious what I had written about the title video, so into the Wabac I went to discover this:

Another “highlight” is Koko B. Ware’s title track, in which he explains that love is sometimes like an arg-u-ment, like a piledriver. The video for Piledriver has a bunch of wrestlers working on a construction site, gawking at women passing by. You really haven’t lived until you’ve seen Vince McMahon as the world’s nerdiest construction worker. And in the middle of all this zany fun, Koko goes about giving wrestlers brainbusters, which are not, in fact, piledrivers.”

No.

No no no no.

While I love the original archives, I must admit: this paragraph cannot suffice. A music video as epic and legendary as Koko’s magnum opus deserves more than a couple of quick sentences.

It requires in-depth analysis.

It requires the cumulative knowledge of thirty years (!!!!) of viewing can provide.

It requires animated GIFs so large it will cause your iPad to burst into flames.

Today we make amends!

Today we delve into the inner greatness of Piledriver by looking at it literally scene by scene, exacting what made this arguably the greatest three minutes and three seconds of the legendary late 80’s WWF.

Can you find a better 183 seconds somewhere in that era?

I think not!

The video starts with the Honky Tonk Man driving in his pink cadillac, Peggy Sue beside him, the Colonel in the back.   By golly, that sentence was so poetic someone should make it into a song.  Anyway, he is stopped from going down the highway by Oliver Humperdink, who has to be the first guy who’s ever been knighted (he was SIR Oliver, remember?) going so far downhill he wound up a highway flagger.

Also, why is he forcing Honky off the road?  I see cars up ahead of him going through just fine!

The greatest Intercontinental champion of all time and his Honkterouge attempt to make the best of it, driving through the construction site, with Peggy hanging on her man as Jimmy Hart plays the guitar in the back seat.  Their positivity is completely negated by the men working there, namely Billy Jack Haynes, who literally throws his board down on the ground as they drive by.

Bam Bam Bigelow is also completely appalled, dropping his wheelbarrow in disgust.  He’s all like “What’s the deal, man….I was just hauling this nearly empty bucket around, now what am I supposed to do?  Work or something?!”

Finally they are stopped in their tracks by the mighty Hulkster himself, wielding, and I am not making this up, a PICK AXE.  Seeing that makes me so sad that we never got a HHH vs. Hogan feud.  You know why?

Because pick axe > sledgehammer!

We cut away to the Birdman, Koko B. Ware, who croons out the chorus, explaining the similarities of love and yes, a piledriver.  Apparently they are nearly identical.  How this is the case is never fully explained, and believe me, I’ve attempted to figure it out daily for the last three decades.

For the three of you who don’t have this track, here it is in all its glory.  I’d normally be concerned about someone hunting me down for posting a full song, but honestly, half the time WWE doesn’t seem to know if they have the rights to the songs on this album, so what the heck.

We cut to ARNOLD SKAALAND, the Golden Boy, who is the foreman of this company apparently, this company which is named ConCo.

There must be at minimum a zillion jokes to be made about a wrestling company running a construction company called CON Co, so why don’t you all be good boys and girls and make one in the comments section below.

Back to the construction site, where Honky and his crew are still stopped in their tracks by the Pick Axe Hulk.  I mean, they are just trying to drive through, what’s the deal Hogan?

Instead, he smiles, and nods at Don Muraco, which apparently is code for “Hey big guy, drop a board and cover these innocent people in dust and dirt.”  The Magnificent One is unquestionably pleased by his despicable actions.

Ok, stop: why are all these guys so angry with Honky?  The dude was simply driving down the road, minding his own business, and was never planning on going through their their work area.  But for whatever reason, he was forced to do so by Humperdink.

I mean, these guys want to be a bunch of a-holes, that’s fine I guess, but at least direct it at the right person.

That would be Flaggin’ Ollie.

Back to Koko we go, singing and dancing and doing absolutely zero work whatsoever.  I have no clue what they are attempting to build, but it’s never going to get done if this is their work ethic.

Skaaland apparently feels the same, so he goes up to Billy Graham and taps him on the shoulder.  Naturally we don’t get any dialogue, but I am guessing his question would be, “Hey dummy, you’re supposed to be pouring concrete on the ground…why on earth do you have it on the top of your head?  Do you have any idea what you are doing?”

The Hulkster sees the boss attempting to right the ship and comes up with an idea.

An awful idea.

A wonderful, AWFUL idea.

An idea involving spraying the foreman with concrete.  Despite this being something that should rightfully get him fired immediately for insubordination, he laughed and laughed and laughed at it like it was the funniest thing since Stan Hansen said those executives in No Holds Barred had teeny weiners.

Wait, that was in 1989.

Gotta wait two more years before we celebrate its thirtieth birthday!

Apparently all this lack of working has the guys in need of a break, so they sit down as skanks slowly shake their booties wandering around the construction area.  They’ve gotta be violating all kinds of OSHA laws.

Shouldn’t they at least be wearing hard hats?

According to Superstar, these women are A-OK!

And Vince is…well, he gives the reaction you’d expect him to give.

I seriously may need to use that as my avatar on every single message board I ever join.  I suggest you do the same.  If you are an accountant, imagine how fun it would be having that next to your name the next time you’re posting on proformative.com!

Or better yet, use it as a reaction GIF.  Let’s say your best friend just impregnated his girlfriend.

Yep!

Hey, look, it’s Koko again, and if you think he is doing ANYTHING other than running around using a mallet as a pretend microphone, well, you’re wrong.  It’s almost like he’s pointing at the camera and saying, “I ain’t workin’ chump!  I’m gonna sing about how love is similar to a pro wrestling move that it’s nothing like at all!”

SPEAKING OF pro wrestling moves that are like nothing at all, we get shot after shot of Koko doing a brain buster as he bellows about pile drivers.  I’d truly go off about this, but to be fair, I love the fact that we get some kinda first person view of going upside down.  Also major props to the WWF for apparently drilling a hole inside a wrestling ring and sticking a camera straight up through it so Koko can drop the guy on his head right into the camera.

If I ever find out Kevin Dunn came up with this idea, I will forgive him for the 85 jump cuts a minute and shaking the camera whenever someone throws a punch on Raw these days.

Hey, remember the skanks we saw before?  I’d like to apologize to them.

Because they’ve got NOTHING on this chick, who booty waps in such absurd fashion it causes Bigelow to hang his head in shame.

I can only imagine being behind the camera on this shot, with Vince screaming, “Shake it!  Shake it more, dammit!  See if you can get your whole cheek out of those shorts!”

Meanwhile, Koko has moved beyond doing simply nothing, to actively taking his hammer and knocking down whatever is being built.

I don’t think I can overstate what a terrible job ConCo is doing here.

More floozies sashay past our crew.  And this may be the best reactions yet!

Don Muraco stops eating his potato chip and smiles.

Billy Jack Haynes spits out his apple.

And Vince McMahon waves a bag of bagels at them.

I’d like to think that this is how these men attempt to lure the lady folk back to their lairs.  A mating ritual so to speak.

If we can all agree that is in fact the case here, they all pale in comparison to Hulk Hogan’s tactic…

In which he shoves a sandwich in his mouth sideways and fails to eat it.

I am begging one of you single guys trying to hook up with a lady to try that and report back to us.

The video sadly comes to a close as Foreman Arnold heads to the port a potty with a magazine in hand.

Wait a minute, I’ve never noticed this before.  With the aid of fine high definition remastering, we learn this isn’t just any magazine…

…it’s a magazine with some hussy on it!

I think it may be STACEY Q!

Still, dude…you have prostitutes walking all over the place.  Why are you wasting your time with a magazine in the can?

The world’s worst construction crew apparently feels the same way, getting a forklift and taking the stink shed into the sky.  The end.

I should note that Piledriver was just one of many videos released to coincide with the album’s release.  There were several others released on a VHS tape, and while they weren’t all horrible, most of them were pretty dang bad.  The question I have for you, my fellow Crappers…should I review more of these in this manner?  And if so, what should be next?

Let me know in the comments below!

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Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!
68 Responses to "INDUCTION: The 30th Anniversary of PILEDRIVER – A Scene by Scene Super Analysis!"
  1. Baron Von Chickenpants says:

    Jesus dude, maybe cool it with the derogatory comments about the women in this video? I was waiting to see if there was a point to it or a joke behind it, but evidently you just think it’s acceptable or funny to just insult them? I know I’m fighting an uphill battle on a website likely read almost exclusively by middle-aged dudes who grew up watching wrestling in an era that completely marginalized women, but that really bugged me.

    I’ll leave it to others to come up win ConCo jokes.

    • The Doctor of Style says:

      How DARE you take the name of the Lord in vain

    • Havamal says:

      This is not a politically correct place. RD does not tiptoe around on eggshells to protect snowflake feelings. The women were being depicted as skanks, so he called them that. Get over it.

    • mattyc says:

      Oh, I read it more as a comment on how they are being portrayed rather than as personally against the women, but maybe you have a point. Although the man who was massively responsible for the way women were portrayed for years in wrestling actually appears in this video – I would have thought that he would be a better target for your ire (maybe by never giving him a cent of your money)!

    • El Atomico says:

      I’m with you, “skanks” was unnecessary.

    • JimbobJones says:

      Loving the irony of someone complaining about insulting one group of people while insulting an entire other group of people.

      Stay classy, man. Stay classy.

      • Reality says:

        That’s what SJWs do, they project their own bigotry and hatred onto the innocent then claim it’s everyone else that has the problem.

        • JimbobJones says:

          I’m a liberal. I think that women, minorities, and everyone should be treated equally and well.

          That said, I’m more against hypocrisy than anything else. I hate that I’m represented by douchebags that think that they’ll fix the world by being the exact people they’re complaining against. (Just because you’re being racist against white males instead of black females doesn’t make you any less racist. It’s astounding how the SJWs believe that to be true)

    • Kareem Ofweet says:

      Is this Awsomov?

    • Jerm says:

      I concur. Second RD article in a row with unnecessarily sexist remarks.

    • PenisMcGregorson says:

      Never thought I’d see the day of social justice warriors coming after a website dedicated to making fun of things. Oh, the world we live in!

      Ya know, life is a lot better when you don’t let yourself get offended by off-color comedy.

    • RD Reynolds says:

      I apologize to those I offended with my comments. It was never intended.

      I will say that the folks who actually made the video, who dressed the girls in those outfits, who told them to act that way (and the guys to react accordingly) may also be worthy of scorn, which is something I tried to convey in the induction.

      Regardless, I do apologize to those offended. My goal is simply to make folks laugh and obviously I failed to do so with some of my text.

      • Reality says:

        You have nothing to apologise for. In fact, you should have doubled down. Politically correct virtue signallers don’t accept apologies, nuance, or context. They are not worth your time. Anybody who knows you knows that you have no problem with women – it’s Baron who should be feeling ashamed for his complete ignorance of your background, your beliefs, and the purpose of this site.

        • CP says:

          Why should he have doubled down? He got carried away and he’s acknowledging it. Just because you don’t agree with him taking the apologetic route doesn’t mean he was right the first time.

      • JimbobJones says:

        I don’t think you have anything to apologize for.

        Keep in mind if these women had been dressed as business women, or computer programmers, or waitresses, or flight attendants, or whatever, and were portrayed as such, I’d agree with the complainers.

        Simple fact is, though, that if the credits were written for this video, the roles would be “Skank #1”, “Skank #2”, etc.

        You weren’t degrading women. You were talking about the role in the video, in the terms that the video OBVIOUSLY meant them to be.

        Is it right the role existed to begin with? Maybe, maybe not. But are you wrong for not referring to them as “Exploited Young Woman #1”? I don’t think so.

        • Jerm says:

          He called the two women in the crowd “skanks” in the Starrcade ’94 article, too. That left a bad taste in my mouth, and the continued usage in the next piece made it worse.

          That said, thanks for owning up to it, RD.

          • JimbobJones says:

            I don’t remember that one (for longer articles, I tend to “scan” instead of “read”), but I’d agree that if they’re just showing random women and he still used the term, then he’d be better off leaving it out.

    • Reality says:

      Sorry, son. You and your sterile, self-indulgent SJW hivemind might have ruined pretty much every other site in existence, but it’s not going to have any impact on this one. I suggest you go to Cracked if you want comedy-free virtue signalling mixed with casual and hypocritical bigotry towards men, whites, and people above the age of 40. Cheers.

    • Isaac says:

      Baron has got to be either a troll, or joking.

    • SCLSCL says:

      I just assumed the original commentor was trolling – otherwise must live a very stressful life getting upset at even Wrestlecrap for things like that. Megalolz at this guy.

  2. JB says:

    Do you really have to ask if you need to review any WWF related music video?

    I only wish I could put that .GIF of Patrick Stewart saying “Make It So”.

  3. Andy Graziano says:

    Yes! I have the VHS in my night stand. Please do em’ all!

  4. 80's Guy says:

    Yes, definitely more inductions.

    Piledriver was a guilty pleasure of mine as a kid. I love that album. I still have it on cassette tape, actually, minus the case though. That’s a major bummer. I have no clue whatever happened to it.

    Also, a joke. With Ware singing the title track, shouldn’t the name of the construction company be KonKo? Wakka wakka…..

    Anyone?

    • The Doctor of Style says:

      Well, given what a bad construction job Koko B. Ware and all the other builders were doing, they should’ve called it “ConCo… Beware!”

      (I’m afraid Fozzy wouldn’t honor me with any wakkas for that one…)

      • Jay says:

        No Wakka wakkas……but I’m sure Statler and Waldorf would heckle you from the balcony.

        “You stink Doc……oh ho ho ho!”

  5. Q.H. says:

    Oh, you must do “Jive Soul Bro”. That video, if made today, would cause riots.

  6. PlasticDiverGuy says:

    In Quebec, several construction projects were awarded to firms with mafia ties. It was a scandal so big that it forced the Mayor of Montreal to resign. I’m hoping that ConCo, owned by VInny Mac, was one of those firms, because their slogan would have been killer:

    ConCo: The original Montreal Screw-job.

    • Thorn says:

      Would have been even better if Nails was the owner of CON Co. and being sent to jail because of it, only to be “tortured and abused” by the Boss Man.

  7. JSWH says:

    Was there a video for “Waking Up Alone”?

    I got this album on cassette for Christmas that year, along with Michael Jackson’s “Bad”.

  8. BorneAgain says:

    We need some deep analysis of the 80s cheese that was Girls in Cars.

  9. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE!

    • C Boz says:

      You just quoted my favorite (and I think only) Andrea True Connrction song… and added two extra “mores” for bonus!

      “How do you like it? How do you like it?”

  10. The Angry Jobber says:

    Please give me your critique for “Girls in Cars”

    As for this video, it seems to me ConCo is a demolition company first and foremost, then builds new things once they demolish the old ones. Thus all the breaking of things in the video.

    • Big Livin says:

      “Girls in Cars” is worth it alone for Jim Johnston’s super-square introduction:

      “All you girls have gone a bit too far. I’m not safe behind the wheel of this car…LET’S WATCH.”

  11. Tom Nesbitt says:

    You see, they’ve already cornered PRO wrestling, so their next venture is to take over CONstruction, and they are simply reminding themselves of their task with their not-so-subtle name…

  12. Lycanthrokeith says:

    If the video had been released in 1992, would Nailz have worked for ConCo?

  13. Keir says:

    In response to the asinine (I failed to see any evidence of tongue-in-cheek) comment about it being derogatory to women, check out how empowered they are- they feel they can walk wearing whatever they want wherever they want- they don’t care if it’s a construction site worked at by a group of Neanderthals who get paid a pittance to do manual labour- and then openly rebut all their advances. Check out the gif of Hogan failing to eat his sandwich- the woman in the perfectly respectable and immaculate business suit (no hussy, she) actually turns and gives two fingers to a scrum of body-building macho men openly surveying them!

  14. Mweyer says:

    God, I miss Vince in this period, trying to look so cool and such “be one of the guys.” Just hysterical video but it’s no “Stand Back.”

  15. CF says:

    Koko B. Ware: The Poor Man’s Peter Cox. (Pipe wrench, vs sledgehammer — who wins?) 🙂

    The workers in The Fabulous Thunderbirds’ “Tuff Enuff” video were better-looking than this lot. For that matter: Fred and Richard Fairbrass were better-looking (and more musically-talented)….

    (OK, does that firmly-enough establish the fact I grew up in the ’80s? 🙂 )

  16. Christopher Haydu says:

    I don’t know if RD remembers, but I, Gotch Gracy 3000, once wrote into the mailbag defending Strike Force’s song, Girls in Cars. RD was kind enough to recommend a stay in an asylum for being so crazy!
    Nonetheless, fifteen years later, I still stand behind my letter. Review the Girls in Cars video, RD! And let the crappers decide which of us is really crazy!

  17. Roland Smitts says:

    OK I will be that guy.

    I had the Pilederiver poster sold at the arena. It was of Hulk’s construction crew.

    And had the album on cassette and the VHS. I didn’t like it anywhere near as much as the Wrestling Album. No track by track commentary. That is where you guys come in.

  18. The Gold Standard says:

    I don’t know or remember if there was a video for it but I think you should just review Jimmy Hart’s song….”Eat your heart out Rick Springfield”. Either that one or Nickolai Volkoff singing Caramia….or maybe both.

    Actually why not do each video then do the whole album.

    • Dave says:

      You’re suggesting inducting the brilliance that is “The Wrestling Album” as Wrestlecrap?? Blasphemy! (Not sarcasm– that album is fantastic.)

      • The Gold Standard says:

        I’m not suggesting that R.D. doesn’t like any of the above or that I dislike the album. I owned it for many years…..the point I’m making is that R.D.’s analysis and induction is required.

  19. Mav says:

    Thanks, RD. This was great. I had this album on cassette. I think it was the first music album I ever got for myself, which says a lot. This video…wow. BJH with the apple. Hogan with those painted on jeans. Amazing. I also remember the tricky headline used in WWF Magazine to promote this. “Piledriver goes gold,” the story triumphantly declared. Then when you read the article you realized it went gold…in Canada. Sure, Canada counts and it’s a heckuva country. But I saw what they were doing there.

  20. mattyc says:

    That clip of Hogan spraying the cement is very distressing, especially his face and the way he is moving at the end. I can’t help but be reminded of another video which involved him squirting an unpleasant substance out of an – albeit less impressive – hose. I’ve just been sick in my mouth again.

  21. Christopher Piatt says:

    I would do Jive Soul Bro and Girl’s in Car’s by Robbie Dupree for Strike Force. I believe they make their debut on Prime Time Wrestling as I have been binge watching Prime Time too.

  22. Ultragoldenant says:

    You gotta do this for “Girls in Cars” as well as for “Jive Soul Bro”!

  23. Sid Bridge says:

    ConCo: Constructor of fine Punjabi Prisons and houses with strange baby sculptures in them!
    Sure, you could us ProCo, but who is going to be ProCo’s counterbalancing, evil nemesis and foil? ConCo, of course!

    Don’t be fooled by imitators selling convenient rotisserie ovens.

  24. Doc 902714 says:

    I hope you’ll do an induction of John Cena’s BAD, BAD MAN video

    And I won’t have to wait until 2025 to read it.

  25. fleaster says:

    Land of 1000 Dances and Grab them Cakes. Jive soul Bro is aggod one too

  26. Shockwave says:

    I love this album; still own the original on cassette. It’s good, silly 80s summer fun. The songs are well done, and will stick the nostalgia knife right in your heart. If you’re a fan of 80s wrestling, it’s a must have.

  27. Terrence says:

    These women aren’t “skanks”, they’re clearly “lot lizards”. Google it

  28. Another Dave says:

    I think we’re all missing the biggest story here.

    We found something that will make Don Muraco stop eating. Even his own wrestling match couldn’t get him to put down his sandwich!

  29. Dave says:

    Just curious– I see several people mentioning they have or had Piledriver on cassette– anyone else still own the original vinyl album? No? Just me, then? Okay.

  30. Mike M. says:

    So… love… Piledriver or brainbuster doesn’t seem the right move.

    I’d say a 450 splash, so you’re head over heels.

    Or an F5, since even love has to job to Brock.

  31. John C says:

    A tag team from south of the border wants to start their own business in the area of building things, they have registered the name as Con-Co-Quistadors.

    Iron Mike Sharpe, George South, Rusty Brooks and Barry Hardy formed a crew called JobCo. They’re always willing to lay down on the job.

    Koko B. Ware after being fired from ConCo for wrecking to many things they were building started a venture with Glenn Jacobs called CoKane.

  32. #OPC says:

    Triple H and Hogan did at least face-off at Backlash 2002, when the Hulkster was still “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan. This meant we got an HHH vs. HHH match.

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