INDUCTION: Jingle All the Way & Jingle All the Way 2 – We Watched Them Both And Didn’t Hear “It’s Not a Tumor” or “Get ‘Er Done” Even Once

67 Submitted by on Wed, 30 November 2016, 08:45

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Ah December…the time we get to take a break from writing about horrible wrestling and instead go dumpster diving into the world of horrible Christmas movies!  We’ve been doing this I believe since year one at WrestleCrap, so there ain’t no stopping us now.  And this year, you get a double dose, as we do a two-fer-one with myself and Art tackling both Jingle all the Way and its horrifically unneeded sequel courtesy of WWE films, Jingle all the Way 2!!


You know, as someone who kinda prides himself on his knowledge of atrocious yuletide celluloid, I must confess: I am not all that familiar with Jingle all the Way.  In fact, prior to sitting down to induct it, I think I’d only seen it once, and that would have been the year it originally came out on VHS (what’s that??)…which was like 17 years ago.  Seriously, there are people reading this that were not ALIVE when this thing came out.  And I know I can’t be the only one who feels really old reading that sentence.

There’s a fantastic Christmas present for us all.

Merry Christmas, see y’all next year!

No no, I wouldn’t do that.  Especially not after I just watched this again.  Look, I remember it being bad, but I didn’t think, at the time I watched it originally (17 years ago, remember!), that it was so horrible I had to watch it annually.  And there are films I do that with.  We’ve got El Santa Claus, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, The Star Wars Holiday Special.  You want bad?

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Then say hello to Chewbacca’s kid Lumpy.  That’s bad.  (And accessible by clicking here.)

Jingle All the Way?  This isn’t bad by my standards.  Now that’s not to say it’s GOOD by any stretch of the imagination.  But I will give it this: it may be the most incredibly, amazingly, mind bogglingly stupid movie I’ve ever seen.  Also, kinda creepy.  In fact, I dare say that Grandpa Itchy spanking it to virtual porn pales in comparison to some of the horrors unleashed in this 90 minute poop fest.

That counts for something, right?

SPEAKING of horror…and Star Wars for that matter…the first primary character we are introduced to is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son, who is played by none other than…

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LITTLE ANI HIMSELF, JAKE LLOYD!!!!

I know a lot of folks absolutely hate Episode I, and I totally get it.  It is by far the worst of the Star Wars films, and nothing else is even close.  But while many feel that Jar Jar ruins the film, he is to me about number 8 on the list of my personal issues with that flick.  That kid you are looking at right now?  NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLET.  His acting was beyond awful.  If I ever hear anyone yell “YIPEE!” again, I promise you I will punch them right square in the mouth.

Anyway, he’s Jamie.  You will know this because Arnold says his name in every single sentence he speaks to him.

“How are you, Jamie.”

“Jamie, let me into your room.”

“Jamie, your mom and I named you Jamie because we like the name Jamie.”

Don’t believe me?  Here, take a listen.

The other thing repeated?  “Turbo Man.”  In fact, I dare say it’s a toss up as to what is uttered more.  I’d go back and check, but even I have more of a life than that.  If you want to, knock yourself out.  In fact, here’s a drinking game you can play while you watch this idiotic pile of crap.

Anyway, Jamie loves Turbo Man.  Just like every other kid in the film.  And every adult in the film.  Seriously, there is not one person in the entire show that says, “Turbo Man, that thing sucks!”  No, it’s unequalled love for it.  So it’s no surprise that Jamie loves watching the show.

What IS a surprise, however, is that in the episode he is watching at the beginning of the film, Harvey Korman makes an appearance as the president.  As you will recall, he was also on The Star Wars Holiday Special.  I don’t know whether we should congratulate him or declare all future viewings of his filmography off limits.  Think I’ll go with the latter; I still love Blazing Saddles.  Plus, he’s not in drag in this movie (or that one) as an intergalactic Julia Child ripoff.

Let’s meet the rest of the primary characters!

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Here’s the mom, who is a very classic “hot or not” proposition.  Looking at her here, I am thinking yeah, pretty hot.  Elsewhere in the film, I am thinking, no, absolutely not.  It’s a weird dichotomy.  And I had zero idea this was actually Rita Wilson until I IMDB’ed this thing.  Did you know that she was Tom Hanks’ wife?  I sure didn’t!  The things you learn right here at WrestleCrap.com!  Let’s refer to her as Mrs. Gump throughout the rest of this write up.

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Of course we have Arnold himself as the workaholic dad, Howard.  God bless you if your name is Howard, but Arnold Schwarzengger should never be named Howard.  Unless he was doing a Howard Cossell biopic.  That would rock.  If I ever win the lottery, I will pour all my winnings into creating movies with similarly horrible premises.

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The late, great Phil Hartman is also in the movie as the uber Christmas king of the neighborhood.  He attempts to parlay his extravagantly lit up house and ability to make hot cocoa into getting laid.

Hey, remember when I said that I would make stupid movies with stupid story lines?

Someone beat me to it.

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So being a nonstop worker bee, Howard is constantly missing Jamie’s activities.  Early in the film, Howard misses Jamie’s karate awards hootenanny, which leads to the kid being very upset.  It also leads to acting between Arnold and Ani.  ACTING.  Arnold is horrible, but Ani is so much worse that I can barely believe it.  To think George Lucas saw this and said, “Yep, that’s Darth Vader, right there.”

Anyway, Howard asks Jamie what he wants for Christmas and he says a Turbo Man action figure.  Which causes Howard to look on in a very, VERY creepy manner.

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A word of warning: if that image scares you, just stop reading now.  The director of this film has an obsession with extreme Arnold close ups, and they get way more disturbing later in the picture.

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And by later, I mean 2 minutes later.  And they happen a LOT throughout our 90 minute runtime.  In the interest of expediting things, let’s get the worst ones out of the way in animated GIF form.

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There.  Hope you’re still with us (though I can’t blame you if you aren’t).

So yes, everyone is out on Christmas Eve (remember that detail, it’s important) looking for the same unobtanium: the elusive Turbo Man action figure.  Sure, his idiotic pink sidekick Booster is available, but everyone hates him.  They just want Turbo.  And it is here that we meet yet another primary character: Myron the Mailman, portrayed by Sinbad (or as my high school girlfriend dubbed him “Jokebad”).

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He and Howard get along quite well at first, but that is very short-lived when they discover they are both after the same toy.  This of course leads to a fight (the first of approximately 812 in the film), which of course leads to…

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…Sinbad spread eagle for your viewing pleasure.

Idiotic battles are the story of the day in Jingle All the Way.  Ever wanted to see Arnold Schwarzenegger get KO’ed by a cardboard cut out?

Then you’ve come to the right place.

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While Howard is out running around like a numbskull, Ted comes over to help Mrs. Gump with her last minute holiday preparations.  He plays with the kids, helps with chores, bakes some cookies. He then notes that she probably needs to take a shower.  If the guy is trying to get lucky, I doubt that’s a winning line.  But she decides that she does, in fact, need to bathe and heads upstairs.

At this precise moment, Howard calls home, only to find Ted answering.  This leads to an enthralling conversation about Mrs. Gump’s cookies.  And by “cookies”, I mean her “vagina.”  

Don’t blame me, just reporting the facts here.

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Meanwhile, Howard runs into his old friend Myron, which leads to more ACTING.  Ok, I may be reconsidering my stance that Little Ani gives the worst performance in this thing.  Arnold is ATROCIOUS.  Think I am exaggerating?   You make the call.

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Holy crap – now we’re going to the site of the first Nitro, the Mall of America! If he goes to lunch at PASTAMANIA, I’ll never say another bad word about this movie.  If they go to that shop that only sold flags from around the world, I’ll go so far as to give it a 10/10 on the IMDB page.

Sadly, neither of those things happen.  Instead, we wind up at yet another toy store, and they DO have Turbo Man figures.  But just a few of them, so they are going to hand out lottery balls to choose who gets them.  Also, they note, they’re going to double the price of the figure, which has customers appalled.

So let me get this straight – the parents in this film are willing to literally run people over with cars in order to get them, but doubling the price of a $10 figure is completely reprehensible?

Anyway, they hand out 50,000 super balls to the 50 or so people waiting.  And yes, Arnold’s ball bounces away.

Fire up the laugh track!

Having lost his super ball of destiny to a child who has to have been fathered (or is it mothered?) by SNL’s Pat, Howard runs into Santa Claus.

You know, even as I wrote that sentence, I knew it made zero sense.  And I felt really filthy mentioning PAT.  But that’s what happens.

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And good news for Howard – Santa DOES have a Turbo Man doll.  And a midget.  In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s the midget that Jesse Ventura gunned down on RENEGADE.  Good to see him finding consistent work.

The bad news for Howard is that Santa isn’t going to just give him the doll; he’s going to have to pay for it.  This leads to a never-ending scene in which Howard, the midget, and Santa go to Santa’s black market workshop.  That may sound like hyperbole, but trust me, that’s what happens.  It’s a place where they manufacture and stock pile toys that they sell to desperate parents at jacked up prices.

Speaking of jacked up, let’s have another fight scene!

When you start stealing bits from Santa with Muscles, you know it’s bad times.  Didn’t A Christmas Story 2: Ralphie’s Quest to Get Him Some do the same thing?   Well the one thing that neither of those movies had was The Big Show hitting yet another midget  so hard he flies 200 feet.  Usually that’s where you’d think I was making this up, so here’s the animated GIF to prove I am in earnest.

This movie is bad enough to make Jake Lloyd drink.

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Which he does.  Sadly, it’s just a dream sequence.  Having Jake Lloyd: alcoholic 8 year old would have at least brought some drama to the festivities.

After escaping Santa’s warehouse of shoddy merchandise, Myron and Howard wind up hanging out at a coffee shop, where a DJ (not Mike Check) announces that the first caller to name all of Santa’s reindeer will win a Turbo Man doll.  The two bum rush the pay phone (oh how I miss the days before cell phones) and promptly destroy it.  Because, as we’ve seen, nothing in this film actually avoids destruction.  But hey guys, don’t worry, as the bar keep tells them that the radio station is just two blocks away.  And off the go running to get there.

Ok, now remember when I said earlier it was Christmas Eve?  That leads me to something else I’ve not really discussed yet: the movie has no concept of time.  I’ve never seen any type of story, be it book, show, cartoon, movie, whatever, with less of a concept of it.  Virtually every single scene in the entire movie takes place on Christmas Eve.  And when I say “Christmas Eve,” judging by the sun, I mean “Christmas Eve between 11am – 3pm.”  They drive places, they wreck cars, they destroy toy store after toy store, they see kids drinking, they go to Santa’s warehouse…all in the same day.  So the idea that they could somehow run two blocks before someone else in the entire city calls in to name the reindeer so as to win the toy everyone wants isn’t out of the question.

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So they get the radio station and…three guesses?  Yep, they destroy the place.  And then Sinbad runs in with a BOMB.  See, because he is a postal worker.  And while we are at first under the impression that it’s not a real bomb, it does in fact explode.  Because of course it does.

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Deciding that buying a Turbo Man figure is now impossible, Howard determines the next best course of action is to STEAL one instead.  And his plan is to steal one from his neighbor, Ted.

Again, the movie makes no sense at all here; I mean, sure, Ted is a womanizer, but how is he a VILLAIN in any real sense of the word?  He puts up Christmas decorations, gives people hot cocoa, and likes to listen to Christmas carolers.  He has a pet reindeer.  Sure he tries to get some on the side, but he’s a bachelor…so why should’t he?  And as for having a Turbo Man figure, again, he didn’t do anything wrong there.  He just planned ahead.

Finally, even Howard thinks the better of it, but before he can actually return the present, he gets caught by Ted’s pet reindeer.  Which he promptly punches in the mouth.

Maybe we should just be happy that the reindeer didn’t explode.

And, again, to recap: we are to boo the organized, Christmas-loving family man, while we are to cheer the reindeer punching thief who destroys half the town whose primary hobby is ignoring his family.

Everyone got that?

All of this leads up to the big Christmas Eve parade…a parade which features the SANTA IN LATEX MARCHING BAND!

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While part of me wants to go into a long diatribe about where on earth such an idea would have originated, the larger part of me just wants this stupid movie to be over.  Tell you what.  Down in the comments section below, the best answer as to the origin of the Santa Latex Marching Band will get a free autographed book from yours truly.  Knock yourselves out.

In fact, let’s just get to the conclusion as nothing much happens before it other than Mrs. Gump clocking poor Ted with an egg nog thermos.  Whatever.  So as Howard is running away from the cops for whatever reason (most likely due to blowing something else up), he ducks into a building where various men remove all his clothes while he just kinda stands around.

Really.  Not making this up.

And yes, you guessed it, he winds up as Turbo Man in the parade.

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Now I want you to look at that.  I was going to say “look at that closely”, but that’s just an instinctual thing to write.  No, I want you to close your eyes, open them for like a split second, look at that image, then close them again immediately.  I don’t want you spending time studying it or anything.

Ok, now…who was that as Turbo Man?

Right, Schwarzenegger.

Congrats – you are smarter than anyone else in this movie.

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See, because his wife, nor his son, recognize him despite being literally FACE TO FACE WITH HIM.

AND DESPITE HIM TALKING TO THEM!

Ok, I mean, maybe the mask obscures his face somewhat.  Maybe the kid has vision problems.  But they carry on a flippin’ conversation, and he can’t tell this is his DAD?

Meanwhile, Myron shows up as Turbo Man’s arch-nemesis and is soundly defeated in a manner not seen since the hey day of Barry Horowitz.  No one saw that coming, right?

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Right?

And did I forget to mention Z-grade special effects?

Ones so bad they would have had Ed Wood shaking his head?

Finally, this imbecilic movie ends with an imbecilic scene in which Howard’s wife and son, who you might recall is named JAMIE, discover that he is in fact TURBO MAN.

Yes, let’s all look on in slack jawed amazement.

What?

You mean to tell me Turbo Man is really my gigantic dad who speaks in an absurd Austrian accent?

GET OUT!

Why this movie couldn’t be any stupider if it starred Santino Marella and Larry the Cable Guy.

OR COULD IT?

Art, take it away!


A sequel to Jingle All the Way sounds like a disaster on paper, especially a sequel made in 2014 with Arnold Schwarzenegger replaced by Larry the Cable Guy. Still, I suppose that’s a better casting change for Jingle All The Way than, say, Predator or Terminator.

As for Batman & Robin, I’d say it would be a toss-up.

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Larry the Cable Guy, as you may have noticed, has had a career downturn in the last five or six years, which is really saying something seeing as the lead roles he was playing in his heyday were in films hovering in the single digit range on Rotten Tomatoes.

In fact, not only do his top four reviewed films include a Tyler Perry movie with a 19% approval rating…

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…but his profile picture on that site is a tow truck he voiced for the Cars movies.

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In this movie, Larry the Cable Guy plays Larry the trucker, a divorced dad who, unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger’s improbably named character Howard, works only part-time so he can spend time with his daughter, Noel.

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Also along for the ride is Larry’s buddy Claude, a largely extraneous character played by Santino Marella. Astonishingly, Santino doesn’t speak in an Italian accent despite being billed as “Santino Marella” in the credits. He must have prepped for this role for months, because he almost sounds like he could really be American (or Canadian).

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But then, we couldn’t have a Jingle All the Way movie where an actor has an inexpicable foreign accent, now could we?

Thanks to WWE’s curious commitment to kayfabe, Santino’s lack of accent in the film has kept any of his lines from being used in the commercials shown on WWE. They’ll show you commercials of Stephanie McMahon and Triple H doing charity work right after they’ve pummeled a handcuffed Daniel Bryan, but they won’t let fans know that Santino isn’t really Italian.

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So Larry is poor but fun. Noel’s stepfather Victor, on the other hand, is super-rich but boring.

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To drive home the fact that he’s boring, Noel’s boring stepdad Victor is given the most boring job imaginable, owning and managing a boring box company.

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“Baxter Box Company is up 20% this year,” he tells Larry at one point. You wouldn’t think the box industry would have many ups and downs, but what do I know about the economy? I hear he now has factories in both Springfield and Flint, Michigan.

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Christmas is going to be a point of contention this year, as Victor and Larry each have Noel at their houses for half the day. The stepdad is jealous of Larry, thinking Noel loves him more because he’s fun, while Larry is jealous of Victor, thinking Noel loves him more because he’s rich.

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As a result, rich dad and poor dad are always trying to outdo each other for the affections of Noel, whose name means, “Christmas,” by the way. Symbolism, man.

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Once, Victor uses a snow machine to allow him and Noel to have a snowball fight. Larry tries to top this, so he and Santino pack a trailer full of snow but forget that snow is actually frozen water and can melt.

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And then explode.

Santino tells Larry that he shouldn’t try to compete with Victor because his daughter loves him plenty already. Normally, this realization would come in Act 3, but since we’re only 25 minutes into the movie, Larry ignores this sound advice for the next hour.

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Before I saw the movie, I really wanted to hate the daughter, who is filling the same kind of role Jake Lloyd played in the original movie, but sadly for this induction, she’s actually cute as a button and not a whiny little brat. Little Noel is always going on about how great the stuff is at her stepdad’s house, from the Christmas tree to the chef, but she also thinks that all of Larry the Cable Guy’s crappy attempts at topping her stepdad are also just great, so that reduces her smackability significantly. Just don’t put her in a lead role in the next Star Wars.

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Instead of Turbo Man, this year’s hot toy is Harrison Bear (which looks more like a dog). It’s a stuffed animal with a computer chip inside, not unlike Conan O’Brien’s Wiki Bear, although, unlike the late night skit, this bear learns words it hears instead of reciting facts about Custer’s Last Stand and the Zodiac Killer.

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Noel says she has a special wish for Christmas and needs to mail her letter to Santa. You can see where this is going from a mile away: Larry is going to think it’s a wish for that talking bear, but it will actually be something sweet and non-commercial like her mom and dad getting back together. Larry, assuming she’s talking about the bear, will go to ridiculous lengths to get it, only to find out the true meaning of Christmas by the end of the movie.

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So Larry volunteers to mail the letter, knowing that he can just open it and find out what his daughter wants for Christmas, but Santino meets Larry at the mail box and gives him a stern lecture on why he should never open mail addressed to someone else. You know, if Santino ever returns to the ring, he can switch gimmicks to an Irwin R. Schyster-like mailman who cuts promos every night about all the fans committing mail fraud. He could call himself, “USPS.”

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“Boy, who pooped in his hash browns?” wonders Larry. Probably X-Pac, Larry. Probably X-Pac.

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Santino guilt-trips Larry into not opening his daughter’s letter addressed to Santa, then mails his own letter to Santa because, despite appearing to be a well-adjusted, rational adult for the rest of the movie, here he’s delusional and, just like his WWE character, thinks Santa Claus is real. I guess WWE Studios didn’t want to tell young viewers that Santa’s not real, even if it meant making Santino’s character look like a mental patient to anyone over the age of eight. Rather than realizing that his best friend is insane, Larry almost heeds his advice and mails the letter after all so it can end up in the dead-letter pile at the post office.

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At the last second, though, Larry has a change of heart and does a very bad thing, reading the letter to Santa. Thanks to his daughter’s poor spelling and spacing of her letters, Larry can’t figure out that she wants her family “together as one.” Someone get that girl a tutor.

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Possibly Oxford Kama.

When stepdad Victor finds out that Noel gave her Santa letter to her dad, he realizes that Larry is going to out-Christmas him by buying whatever was in the letter. And he can’t just ask his stepdaughter what she wants, because she says her Christmas wish won’t come true if she tells anyone. That’s birthday wishes, sweetheart.

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Larry asks a guy at the toy store (which features a logo suspiciously similar to that of Toy Story)  exactly what toy it is that his daughter has asked for, so he tells him that when she writes, “her a sone,” she must mean Harrison the talking bear.

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At least that clears up why the writers named the bear, “Harrison.” It turns out it’s an excuse to have a mistaken-identity plot, rather than a nod to former president William Henry Harrison who, unlike Teddy Roosevelt, not only didn’t get a doll named after him, but died of pneumonia shortly after taking office.

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Unfortunately, all the stores are sold out of Harrison bears, and doubly-unfortunately, Victor has hired a John Laurinaitis-esque man from his box factory to tail Larry and find out what he’s up to. Once the teddy bear secret is out, the spy buys up all the Harrisons in town as soon as they come back in stock so Larry can’t get one for her.

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You’d think that stores would be suspicious of one person buying up EVERY unit in stock and assume that he’s from a competing toy store or a scalper looking to re-sell the toys for jacked-up prices, but no.

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At one point, the bad guy camps out in front of the store and buys up all the bears before any of the other campers can, like it’s the Atoms-Sharks Pigskin Classic.

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Poor Larry also can’t just order the toy online because they can’t deliver it until the 26th, despite the fact that Amazon offers one-day shipping for a small fee, including for such products as The Death of WCW 10th Anniversary Edition.

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All sorts of shenanigans take place in Larry’s quest to get the bear, including a Santa-themed bull-riding contest with Harrison as the prize. Santino, who does not ask Larry how he knows what Noel asked for, nor why he needs to buy her the bear when Santa can just deliver it himself, tries to help out, but lasts no longer than he did in the 2009 Royal Rumble.

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Larry cheats and glues himself to the saddle, and despite Victor’s evil henchman paying off the operator, he wins first prize. Unfortunately, the teddy bear is actually the second prize, so instead of winning a Harrison the talking bear, Larry wins a romantic trip for two to the Poconos. Santino volunteers to go with Larry, which is funny because of gay.

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Later, Larry defrauds a charity toy give-away by pretending to be homeless and snatching up a Harrison bear, but then he runs into a little boy who says his dad is in prison, so he gives it up out of guilt.

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Then the kid does a heel turn, calls him a sucker, and runs away, selling it to the evil toy-buyer working for Victor. DTA, Larry.

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Later, Larry tries to buy a bear from the clerk at the toy store, who is scalping stolen bears for $500 apiece, but the cops show up and impound all the toys as evidence.

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Larry calls the whole experience an “epic fail,” betraying that a 2014 sequel to Jingle All the Way starring Larry the Cable Guy is slightly behind the times.

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Eventually, Larry figures out that Victor is behind the whole bear-hoarding scam and follows him to his secret stash in the box factory, but they get locked in by accident and won’t be let out for two days. No thought is given to the idea of using a cellular phone to call for help, which is why this Jingle All the Way sequel ought to have been made in 1997, if at all. One of the reasons why, anyway.

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The evil box factory man gets found out by a news reporter and an angry mob, then rats out Victor as the mastermind. He’s not really a bad guy, see, he was just following orders. That excuse didn’t fly at Nuremberg, but it did fly when the Big Show was knocking out senior citizens in 2013, and it flies here.

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Meanwhile, dad and stepdad hash out their differences and decide to have Christmas together, and only then do they realize that they have cell phones… but there’s no reception.

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Finally, Larry figures it’s time to git ‘er done (which amazingly he goes the entire film without saying), breaking out of the warehouse with a forklift. He and Victor head to a tree-lighting ceremony, which Victor, as one of the most important businessmen in town, sponsors every year. Apparently, the city runs on the box industry like others run on steel or coal or automobiles.

 

However, the angry mob of bear-less parents and children chant against the bear-hoarding Victor until Larry convinces him to give away all the bears to the crowd for free.

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On Christmas morning, Victor and Larry both give Noel the bear they think she asked for, but that an hour ago everybody watching at home already figured out she didn’t ask for. Noel says that what she really wanted was her family “together as one.”

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The two dads look at the letter to Santa again, and the letters slide across the page into place to reveal the real message, although the effect makes it look like someone spiked their egg nog with LSD.

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And see? Santa gave her what she asked for! D’awww! Although the more I think about it, the more disturbing it gets. Are we to imagine that Santa Claus, instead of sticking to making and delivering toys, is now in the business of mind control, secretly manipulating family members into being at a certain place at a certain time?

Fortunately, before the family film can venture to far into Manchurian Candidate territory, the credits roll.

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All in all, this movie could have been so much worse. In fact, not only is it better than the original, it is the best WWE Studios film I’ve seen, although those are not very high honors at all.

Sure, I didn’t laugh once, but at least in the end, the daughter’s stepfather didn’t get dumped for being square and replaced by Triple H (like in the Chaperone) or get killed and replaced by Triple H (like in Inside Out), and nobody got turned into a box.

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Written by

Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!
67 Responses to "INDUCTION: Jingle All the Way & Jingle All the Way 2 – We Watched Them Both And Didn’t Hear “It’s Not a Tumor” or “Get ‘Er Done” Even Once"
  1. ChrisV says:

    I read the letter as saying either the little girl wants, “her family to get her some” or to “get her done”.
    The first is disturbing, and I’m glad they didn’t follow up on my misreading.

  2. D says:

    A Santa Latex Marching Band Parade is how they celebrate the Holidays in Goonland.

  3. Iron Mark Tyson says:

    Horrible induction!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Both of these movies kick ass.

    • Danz says:

      Horrible comment, contributes nothing. An articulate induction that actually (sort of) praises the sequel cannot be countered by someone just saying “nah bro it’s gd.” Justify your opinion or it’s not an opinion, simple as.

  4. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Outstanding job, guys! Nicely done!

  5. Simon Lindsay says:

    winner gets a book huh?

    Well it goes like this. Up in Minnesota it gets very cold so people often sleep in the same beds to provide warmth, which leads to some ‘Hanky Panky’ (as the Doctor would say) which could lead to a population epidemic where people could run out of food (since Reindeer are not able to be eaten due to being Howard’s pet in the back yard) Durex has fore seen this problem and needed a way to market their products to people of all ages so they banded together with a failing local band (sadly 3MB and 3 Count were not around at the time of filming) and decided to dress up the band members in latex suits to sell the power of latex as a heat maintaining fabric and as a way to discreetly plant the idea of buying their wares into the children’s minds (if you freeze and zoom in I think you can see a Durex logo) Anyway with the creation of this marching band and the subliminal messaging they have been able to control the local population size thus saving all the reindeer and stopping a humanitarian crisis. To show the appreciation to the marching band the Santa parade committee always gives these guys centrestage each year before Turboman (batteries not included).

    (P.S. Thank you for finally inducting my favourite terrible Xmas movie. This has saved my Christmas)

  6. Jimbolian says:

    As an added bonus, Rog at I-Mockery.com conjured up what Jingle All the Way 2 would have really been like BEFORE the turd sequel came out:

    http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/jinglealltheway2/

  7. Corvis says:

    The latex Santa marching band was obviously one of Vince Russo’s rejected ideas for Halftime Heat. Given this, an empty arena title match is huge step up.

  8. Doc75 says:

    i remember watching “Jingle All The Way” sometime after it hit HBO yearz ago. after it waz over i get up to go do some stuff n forgot the movie waz still going. then it came to the post credits scene where “Mrs. Gump” asked Howard what he got her for Christmas n yeah another Arnold closeup happenz before it finally fadez to black.

  9. Preparation Triple H says:

    MY SON’S A BOX! DAMN YOU…A BOX!!!!!

  10. Charles Belles says:

    The Santa’s wear latex so that they can protect themselves from the “snow” they have with the mothers in the crowd after the show, since they are already excited after seeing turbo man and seeing turbo man fight.

  11. Sean O says:

    Dammit, I was WAITING for someone to turn into a box!

  12. robert ewing says:

    curious fact the big santa claus in the movie is none other than the big show

    • Dave says:

      Even more curious is that you didn’t even notice that fact being plainly stated right there in the induction, with an animated gif to prove it.

      • robert ewing says:

        My bad dave

      • Cave says:

        Even more curious that he invented the WMD right there in that movie and finally started using it as his finisher a decade or so later, probably when he watched his role in the movie back and saw how effective it was against little people (which in Big Show’s case is nearly everyone else).

    • Mister Pink says:

      The Latex Santa’s were a last ditch effort by the Hair Metal bands to remain relevant. If you look closely, you can see Mike Tramp from White Lion in the center of the band. When the children cry…indeed….

  13. KingRex75 says:

    Latex Santas:

    Although you can’t see it through the suits, this was actually the qualifying round of the talent portion of this year’s Miss America pageant. They later threw of the Santa suits and did a full scale dance routine.

  14. The Doctor of Style says:

    The marching Santas’ clothes were made from plastic recycled from Jakks’ unreleased WWF Xanta Claus action figures.

    They didn’t have enough to make the boots, so they borrowed those from Jeff Hardy.

  15. Moppy says:

    Latex Santa parade?

    There simply is nobody on earth other than Russo that could have thought of that.

    Ahhhnold vs Sinbad turbo man on-a-pole match, with latex santa lumberjacks. Book it!

  16. Ryan says:

    The Latex Santa Marching Band comes from the North Pole of course… ON THE MOTHER LOVING MOON!!!!

  17. Kaleid says:

    After Warrior stripped the imprisoned Santa Claus down to his skivvies, he replaced St. Nick’s original outfit with the more disturbing latex version before releasing him from Destrucity.

  18. JSH says:

    The origin of the Santa Latex Marching Band: the producers thought this movie needed something H-O-T-T, HOT-T-T-T-T-T!

  19. Brian E says:

    Oxford Kama…

    Art, an Amazon drone should be arriving soon with that Internet you just won.

  20. LindaJean says:

    The first ‘Jingle All the Way’ was part of Governor Jesse Ventura’s big push to get more Hollywood films filming in Minnesota (a large, but ultimately worthless part of his election platform). It’s why his friend Arnold and, presumably, that one midget from one of his past movies, were in this at all. It’s one of the few films of the last two decades actually filmed in Minnesota.

  21. Carl zayas says:

    The Santa in Latex marching band used to be known as the Santa Gang. One day a future in preacher took them to an abandoned parking lot and some voodoo chants and an en explosion, BAM! They are however all Jive Soul Bros.

  22. Mr. Stanek says:

    The Latex Santa Marching Band is sponsored by Vandalay Industries, a company of proud latex makers. Their inclusion in the parade was a promotional move orchestrated by latex salesman George Costanza (from an alternate universe where Vandalay Industries actually existed and sold latex instead of being an elaborate lie).

  23. Francisco Rodriguez says:

    You forgot one best part of Jingle All the Way, R.D.

    The cameo appearance of Toymakers’ WCW figures on the shelves. It was scene during the montage of Arnold checking and going to every toystore for a Turbo Man Doll.

  24. Bubbafan2 says:

    Oxford Kama.

    Absolute genius.
    I had to muffle my laughter at work for a good 5 minutes after I saw that.
    Now all someone has to do is add him in to Weird Al’s Word Crimes video.

  25. Stephen says:

    I actually like the first movie. Not so much that I’d ever watch more than 45 minutes of it over a meal on Christmas Eve before going back to more interesting things but still, it’s passable.

  26. Geoff says:

    They say some of the induction write up’s on this site are the best ever. They are but the comments left by people on this site are even better than the induction write ups. Try to explain the Latex Santa Marching Band to anyone who hasn’t read this site and you’ll probably get a room full of crickets, stares and then a call to the police.

  27. 80's Guy says:

    The Latex Santa Parade was originally based on the adult film industry attempting to become more “mainstream”, but with their own, unique flair. The concept was the vision of the artistic, innovative director Michael Ninn, who coincidentally also produced the award winning film, Latex.

    Ninn enlisted the assistance of adult film stars Jenna Jameson, Ron Jeremy, and Nina Hartley to organize and promote the event. It was an initial success, although certain negative attacks in the press succeeded in diminishing it’s impact in later years.

    Currently, the Latex Santa Parade has been making a comeback, the revival spearheaded by WWE’s own Seth Rollins. When asked why he is bringing back the spectacular event, Seth stated: “Well, most people may not know that I was once in the adult film business. There is a soft spot in my heart for the lovely men and women of the industry, many of whom I call my friends. I wanted to give back to them, to show the world that they are simply people too, people who love Christmas as much as the next person. I am also an avid supporter of latex; not only just the feel and “attitude” the material conveys, but also the aesthetic, artistic quality of it as well.”

    Other notable supporters of the movement are Cher, the Kardashians, Kate Moss, designer Atsuko Kudo, Danny Bonaduce, Kylie Minogue, Pam Anderson, Billy Idol, Madonna, Michelle Pfeiffer, Halle Berry, Hugh Jackman, Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether, the members of Divo, and Betty White. These celebrities are bringing legitimacy to the once ostracized spectacle, and show no signs of stopping until it becomes a staple in holiday viewing for years to come.

    • Mister Pink says:

      You were winning until you misspelled “DEVO”. WE ARE NOT MEN…WE ARE DEVO!

      • 80's Guy says:

        I did? Oh, $h!t, I did.

        In my defense, I was focusing on my story and was a bit fried from a long day of running.

        Please be gentle, and accept my humblest apologies.

        Also in my defense, though, I’ve read numerous things on this site that have their fair share of typos and misspellings… Just sayin’.

  28. Brandon says:

    The martians, having been conquered by Santa Claus, adopt his appearance both in reverence to their almighty ruler and so as to not draw suspicion as they scout planet Earth in preparation for the large scale invasion that they have been planning.

  29. Barronmore says:

    The letex Santa band was actually a scrapped ideafrom the Xanta Claws plotline. Just like with Roddy Piper, they were going to have the full band perform for Xantnta’s entrance, but Vince changed his mind at the last moment. Now Stuck with a Santa band he’ not using he gets the idea to ship them off with Big Show to be in this new Christmas movie someone pitched! Kill off two birds with one stone!

  30. Rose Harmon says:

    That is an odd way to stick to kayfabe. Either that, or WWE doesn’t care enough about Santino to promote his movie more.

  31. Alexandru says:

    Not going to lie Jingle All The Way is a guilty pleasure of mine for nothing else it gave us the great ‘Put That Cookie Down” line from Arnold. Also you can’t go wrong with Phil Hartman (even if he was criminally underutilized, like half of WWE’s roster). The 2nd Jingle? I’ll pass

  32. Down With OPC says:

    Santa in Latex is a subtle reference to baby Jesus, who was born Immaculately, with no condom in site.

  33. adam says:

    Surely the Santa Latex outfits are bought from the Christmas themed fetish store, it’s the same one that Santa goes to every year to buy his three Hos.

    • Saint Stryfe says:

      I hate those Christmas Fetish stores, the ones that stay open all year with little ornaments of gimp suits, ball gags with holly on them, and plush Dom Bears in santa outfits all year, they look so tacky and touristy.

  34. Dolph Finn says:

    Honestly, I think this is one of the most erudite and witty pieces of writing I have ever seen on any website in relation to wrestling ever. I offer you my own personal thumbs up (struggles to raise thumb but eventually succeeds with a cracking sound).

  35. Anonymous says:

    Jingle All The Way is objectively THE worst Christmas movie of all time and arguably the worst movie of all time. JATW2 is infinitely superior and yet still unwatchable.

  36. The_Dude says:

    The latex santas were because they were trying to get the elusive, hopefully non-existent, santa wearing latex fetish demographic to watch this movie

  37. Erich says:

    Glad I wasn’t the dad in JATH2, because I thought Noel wanted her family to get her a Sony. Like a really good PS4 bundle. Woulda been a helluva lot easier on everyone.

    And as for the Latex Santa Band? Look no further than band director Vince Russo.

  38. Chris says:

    Sure, you laugh at the latex Santa suits, but if Mark Henry had had one back in the day, he wouldn’t be paying child support on an adult sized, 14 year old anthropomorphic hand creature.

    No Santa glove, no Santa love.

  39. Ralphus says:

    Latex Santas? Easy, they were all managed by Shaniqua.

  40. Chris says:

    Great induction.

    Jingle all the way is so bad that this induction didn’t even include what I thought was the stupidest part of the movie. Some action sequence happens near the end and some random stuff occurs that ends up with The Son and Sinbad hanging on for dear life about 30 metres in the air, about to fall to their deaths. The crowd shouts “save them” actually no sorry they don’t, they happen to be sociopaths and shout “Use the rocket” to Arnie, still in his Turbo Man get up. Arnie, clearly not worried about his close to death son, happily obliges the crowd and aims his rocket straight for Sinbad, so he can murder him in cold blood with the world watching. When he actually does hit Sinbad with the rocket and Sinbad falls, maybe it’s time to save for Arnie to save his son? Nah, who cares? Let’s celebrate a little. He leaves it until the exact last possible second to save him.

    Arnie couldn’t care less about Jamie, he just really hates Sinbad.

  41. Josh says:

    The latex santa costumes are a necessary outfit for the bizarre 24/7 sun weather patterns of Fictional Minnesota.

  42. Brad says:

    And nowadays Sinbad is better known as the guy who calls into Sean Oliver’s You Shoots to inquire about Batista’s, er, size.

  43. big bad booty stepdaddy says:

    I know I’ve watched Jingle All the Way but it’s like someone Weapon X mind wiped it from my memory. That’s not a bad thing BTW. It really is just a massive turd set to celluloid, probably the worst Arnold movie I’ve seen and I’ve seen Last Action Hero.

    confession time……..I kinda like Last Action Hero. well, I don’t hate it . I can watch it without getting explosive diarrhea anyway. this one? I got a touch of IBS just reading the induction.

    also, the Latex Santa Squad I believe was going to set up a spin off film, The Gimp That Stole Christmas . It was going to have a Pulp Fiction feel with a healthy dose of holiday “humor”. Johnny Depp was tapped to star but due a scheduling conflict and the utter craptabulousness of the first film it was s***canned.

  44. OneManChainGang says:

    Have you considered inducting Christmas with the Kranks or Deck the Halls?

  45. Sean Bateman says:

    Idea for Jingle All The Way 3: Put Arnold and Santino in it.

  46. Richard Hyde says:

    I have to weigh in on the debate on whether Mrs Gump is “hot or not”. I would have to say…not! I’m not being horrible but when I saw the picture of her early on in the Induction I actually thought I was looking at Adam Sandler in drag!! Ain’t nobody got time fo dat!

  47. J says:

    Actually if I remember correctly Larry does Say Git er done when he is buying a tree

  48. Joey d. says:

    The reason for the latex suited Santas is that they wouldn’t have time to change before heading to their second job, as wrestlers in Ring of Honor, which, sadly, pays them even less.

  49. CP says:

    I’m just glad nobody mentioned the other bear Conan made famous…;)

  50. Yarrr says:

    Well done gentleman, you outdid yourselves in these reviews, I couldn’t stop laughing.

    Also some excellent comments.

  51. F. A. Fisher says:

    “or as my high school girlfriend dubbed him “Jokebad”

    You let a good one get away, RD.

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