INDUCTION: Chavo Guerrero, Amway Salesman – Look What Winning a WCW Battle Royal Will Do For You!!

34 Submitted by on Thu, 17 July 2014, 20:00

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WCW, 1999-2000

I never need anything ever again.

No food.

No sleep.

No gifts.

A kind young lad has sent me a hard drive with the entire run of WCW Thunder.  Now I’ve watched all that before live, saw lots of it again as Bryan and I wrote both Death of WCWs (and yes, this is where I ask you to pick up the new version by clicking here).

But I never had unlimited access to everything it contained at my fingertips.

Now that I do, I cannot stop watching it.

What a delightfully, absurdly, never-ending train wreck it is.  I just started randomly watching random episodes, and in the span of about a half dozen shows I found…

- Vince Russo as WCW Champion

- Jim Duggan: Canadian

- Norman Smiley, Backyard Champion

- The horrific title tournament where Madusa was in, lost in the first round, yet was somehow in the second round

- Berlyn

- Elizabeth attempting to seduce Meng (?!) for some reason

- Nitro Girls turning on each other in what may have been the worst acting ever recorded on film

- Lots of absurd Sid promos

- Coach Buzz Stern

- Virgil as COWBOY CURLY BILL

- Buzzkill

- Ric Flair being literally buried in the desert

- Unmasked Rey with devil horns glued to his head

- Scott Steiner being sprayed in the face with mace…MACE!!!…which he no sold

…and the most amazing one yet:

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- Mike Tenay, again, MIKE TENAY, interviewing an amazingly wooden Stacy Keibler on what appears to be a porn set, complete with MOOD LIGHTING, where he notes that she sleeps around constantly with everyone and if it wasn’t for the fact he was a married man and had some morals, he’d have “taken a shot” at her.

Seriously, now that I have it all, I can’t quit watching this show.  If WWE were really serious about making money on the Network, they’d just run every episode of this show from 1999-2000 on the live stream repeatedly.

AMAZING.

So yeah, lots of stuff coming in the near future from this treasure trove I can now access.  Let’s start today, why don’t we, with the fun Chavo Guerrero experienced during this glory period in WCW’s existence!

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It all started on what was called an “Opportunity Knocks” Battle Royal.  For the record, the competitors in this bout were Steve (William) Regal, Chavo Guerrero, Scotty Riggs, Dave Taylor, Prince Iaukea, El Dandy, Chris Addams, and Jerry Flynn.  I tell you this just so you can impress your wrestling friends. Seriously, go up to your geek wrestling pals, and ask them to name the folks in the Opportunity Knocks Battle Royal.  They won’t stand a chance.  But you, you my friend, will be KING OF THE NERDS.

Up for grabs is…well, we aren’t told.  What we are told is that the losers of said match were likely going to be looking for other gainful employment because they are all “on the bubble”, which leads announcer Scott Hudson to tell us that these men “may start looking for employment up north!”  Willing to bet that everyone in the company was doing that by the end of 1999, jobber royal combatant or no.

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But yes, Chavo wins, and we are informed that he is going to get a “golden opportunity” on the next Nitro.  Fast forward four days and a few hours and sure enough, we find Chavito in the office of…

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…Dr. Claw!

Ok, actually, it’s Vince Russo in the role of one half of the unseen “Powers that Be.”  Same thing, just more cartoonish. (And I’ll leave it up to you to determine if I mean the wrestling show or Inspector Gadget.)

Russo (or Claw, you call it) congratulates him thusly: “Oh, yeah, you’re that Chavo kid.  You did a hell of a job in that ham & egger battle royal, so here’s your opportunity.”  Chavo is then handed a briefcase.

A contract for a title match?

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No silly – it’s full of Amway products for him to go sell!

From the very first WrestleCrap book (which you can get here super cheap and I’ll even sign it for you):

Think of it this way: if Russo was managing the local Pizza Hut, you’d order a pizza and they’d deliver a newspaper. Sure, it was a surprise, but it didn’t make much sense, nor did you want to order from them again.

I was probably watching this when I wrote that line.

Anyway, ah, Amway…how can I explain this dated reference?

Basically, it’s a company that would get people to pay them for the opportunity to go sell crap for them.  Crap in the form of everything from car wax to eyeliner.  While they remain in business to this day, in the 1970s they were seemingly always in controversy, from being called a pyramid scheme in the US and then in criminal cases in Canada in the 1980s.

But their salesmen were everywhere.  I’d attempt to explain it further, but just go find someone who is like 55 or older and say Amway, then kick back as they go off for an hour and a half about being hassled by these folks back in the day.

So yeah, that’s the opportunity Chavo received for winning his match.

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And yeah, he tries to make the best of it (likely mirroring his real life situation).  Here he attempts to sell laundry detergent and bug spray to one of the Villanos.  “You know, for la cucharachas!” he joyfully explains.

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Then just in case anyone didn’t find that offensive, he finds another minority, this time Kaz Hayashi, and asks if he eats.  He explains the concept of EATING while pantomiming putting food into his mouth.  He also sells him twelve cases of diapers, despite the fact that Kaz tells him he has no children.

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Sadly, his attempts to sell Booker T hair care products fail, despite stating, “I have what you need!!!”

Fortunately, he runs into Jim Duggan, who isn’t a Canadian yet.  However, he is a JANITOR.

A janitor in need of FUSES.

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Which, of course, Chavo just so happens to sell.

Ok, now this is starting to make sense: those old Amway reps moonlighted at Radio Shack.

Also on the plus side – this means in the series run, we’re getting close to Janitor Jim Duggan winning the TV Title by finding it in a garbage can.  And if you think I am joking about that for even one second, go back and take a look at the list that started this induction.

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Ms. Elizabeth is next on the hit list, as Chavo pitches her cleaning products, as well as pots and pans.  She has zero interest in any of this, noting that she doesn’t cook much.  Undeterred, Chavo says he has “what every woman needs – jewelry!”

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This causes Lex Luger, who was working out in the background to come running over and wanting to buy in, even though he notes the stuff in the Amway catalog isn’t as nice as his Rolex.

Get out, really?

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If you were worried that Chavo wouldn’t be wrestling due to his new occupation, don’t you fret!  He kept doing that as well, attempting to sell items to fans in stands as he headed to the ring as well as his opponents.

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It even caused the Barbarian to speak, as after he pinned Chavo in 10 seconds, he noted “I take three! I pay you later!”

The Crapometer would soon pop a coil as we got a match between Amway Chavo and Buzzkill.  I’ve inducted Buzzkill (head to the archives, kids!), but in short, it’s Road Dogg’s brother who was basically instructed to copy Road Dogg as absolutely closely as possible without being legally liable.  I’m guessing that eventually Jerry McDevitt did give Turner a call, as the outfit was tweaked slightly to a Rastafarian stoner look.  Poor Brad Armstrong, first the CandyMan (also in the archives) and then this.

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Anyway, prior to the match, Chavo once again started his sales pitch, this time offering tye dye shirts, incense, and a “lava lamp” (looked more like some Spencer party gimmick to me, but far be it to me to argue with the WCW announce crew) that didn’t work.

Seriously, despite having a power cord plugged in, the thing just didn’t work at all.

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It didn’t stop Buzzkill from staring at it for 90 seconds though.

WELCOME TO THUNDER!!!

And yeah, Buzzkill beat him too.

After a while, Chavo just kinda vanished.  He tried to sell a few things, lost some more matches, and then was run off by a midget in a Scream mask.

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Really.  You think I’d make that up?

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Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!
34 Responses to "INDUCTION: Chavo Guerrero, Amway Salesman – Look What Winning a WCW Battle Royal Will Do For You!!"
  1. Guest says:

    I wonder if Maffew sent in that footage.

  2. The Doctor of Style says:

    Fun induction, RD. Loved the Dr. Claw section. I’d be surprised if the tag team in suits didn’t whack a fist on their heads when reporting to him.

  3. John C says:

    The only job that would be worse than Amway salesman would be the poor s.o.b. trying to sell copies of Ready to Rumble to anyone. I imagine Vinny Roo must have about 5,000 vhs tapes of this sitting in some lonely storage container. “One day doz mahks are gonna get what I was doin’. Den they’ll be real sorry I’m not still da bookha somewhere.”

  4. Brandon says:

    I don’t remember Coach Buzz Stern. I guess after this, being Lt. Loco in the MIA was a step up for Chavo.

    • CP says:

      Coach Buzz Stern was Glacier playing a gym teacher. At least that’s how I got it.

      Why Amway? Couldn’t you have just called him an Avon lady?

    • Robert Q. Seidelman says:

      He had promos on Thunder and Saturday Night where he was ranting and raving in front of a few “students” with one being late and out of shape. That person would wind up being WCW Jobber and USWA Mainstay “Luscious” Luther Biggs, who would become Coach Buzz Stern’s Protege and wind up going on a 50/50 streak of wins and losses on Thunder and Saturday Night. He put up a few clips of his matches on his YouTube channel.

  5. George from Dudleyville NY says:

    OMG! Did that induction unearth a whole lot of crap at once or us it just me? I thought some of that stuff was absolutely cringe worthy. I blocked a lot of that crap out. Thanks Wrestlecrap, lol

  6. Peter says:

    And I actually thought this was one of the better WCW gimmicks at that moment in time, but then again, better for WCW 1999-2000 standards.

  7. Porter "Budsgrand" Sultzbaugh says:

    Too bad there wasn’t a copy of “The Death Of WCW” in the bottom of Chavo’s briefcase.

  8. Emerson Witner says:

    You know the sad part of Jim Duggan pulling the TV Title out of the trash and naming himself champion? Russo was gone for over a month when that happened. But I hope, RD, you get the clip or Duggan saying “Every silver lining has a cloud”

  9. Scrooge McSuck says:

    (reads induction two more times)

    The Fuck?

  10. E-Squared says:

    I really have no recollection of this happening. Maybe it was because I watched WCW less in 2000 than I did the prior year.

  11. Richard Pruitt says:

    And this is the greatest in the history of our sport.

  12. Vealchop says:

    I totally don’t remember this. Must be my advanced age or I have PTSD. However I would totally buy a t-shirt that said “I take three! I pay you later!”

  13. AdamX says:

    The midget running him off explains why he had the great hatred for Hornswoggle that one whole year…FORESHADOWING!

  14. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    William Regal touched on the battle royal in his book Walking A Golden Mile:

    “The night Vince Russo started a bunch of us were called into the office by Arn Anderson, an agent in WCW who now does the same for WWE. Arn Anderson said ‘Guys, I’m very sorry to have to put this to you. But this is exactly what I have been told to say by Vince Russo. You are all in an on-the-bubble battle royal. It means you are all on the bubble of getting fired. Whoever wins will keep his job and the rest of you will lose your jobs. And he wants Chavo Jr. to go over’.
    We all looked at eachother. ‘Is this for real?’
    Arn said ‘I don’t know’.
    All I know is that Chavo won, Chavo stayed and everybody else got fired over a period of time.”

  15. Alexandru says:

    While obviously dumb, this gimmick was sort of unique, even though it made no sense

  16. Down With OPC says:

    Was Chavo also selling any hair restoration products?

  17. Mister Forth says:

    I really want to hear Russo explain this. I just want to hear what he thought made this a “good idea”.

    • Vealchop says:

      He’ll ‘accidentally’ leak an e-mail saying it was Ed Ferarra’s idea.

    • Peter says:

      I follow Vinny Ru on Twitter, and he’s pretty entertaining and funny, but I gotta say, anyone who ever said he needed a filter or someone to edit him was right on the money. He just throws anything and everything out there.

  18. Dan Sheldon says:

    Who are you to doubt El Dandy?!?!?!?!?

  19. phillip says:

    im glad im not the only one that is proud to claim he has the entire collection on thunder on dvd. great induction r.d. and enjoy the viewing. also a great momment was when screamin norman no longer wanted to be hardcore and was trying to find ways to lose the belt and had that “i quit” match with the cats Chauffeur.

  20. rm says:

    “Elizabeth attempting to seduce Meng (?!) for some reason”

    This needs some kind of context, I can’t think of any storyline where this would make even a lick of sense.

  21. Jeremy says:

    Sure Booker T wasn’t interested in hair care products THEN, but a couple years later, he’d base an entire WrestleMania match off of gaining a Japanese shampoo commercial. Maybe he would’ve won too if he had bought what Chavo was offering him.

  22. marvelous says:

    All credit to Chavo, he ran with some serious crapola and made it work better than anyone would have guessed he could.

  23. Eh. says:

    “If WWE were really serious about making money on the Network, they’d just run every episode of this show from 1999-2000 on the live stream repeatedly.”

    Or at least have all the episodes of Nitro and Raw (earlier years, not this current age crap) available. Given that they don’t is a big reason why I’m cancelling my subscription.

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