Induction: Stone Cold’s last Raw of 2002 – Austin 3:16 says I just whipped mine out

37 Submitted by on Thu, 11 September 2014, 20:00

WWE, 2002

When you think of the Attitude Era, you think of Stone Cold Steve Austin, and when you think of Stone Cold Steve Austin, you think of the many wild stunts he pulled off. But all those stunts would have fallen flat if Austin hadn’t had a worthy antagonist to battle every week.

So when you think of Austin’s feud with Vince McMahon and the Corporation, images come to mind of him hosing down the Corporation with beer, filling Vince’s car with cement, and whacking the bed-ridden boss in the head with a bedpan.

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And when you think of Austin’s feud with Ric Flair, the only image (if any) that comes to mind is the Rattlesnake urinating on Arn Anderson.

No, that regrettable segment didn’t come from some wrestling fanfiction from the darkest recesses of the web but was in fact an idea hatched in a meeting by professionals and presented on a cable network’s flagship program. Not only did it air on Raw, but it aired on the last Raw Stone Cold would appear on for eight months.

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“Industry experts think it may have to do with peeing on Arn Anderson last week.”

 pee03 By 2002, Steve had pretty much done it all in the World Wrestling Federation, as Gorilla Monsoon would say. After the writers had finally run out of ideas for the Bionic Redneck (this included the writers in charge of coming up with nicknames, apparently), Austin turned heel and joined forces with Vince, and later, Shane and Stephanie.
When even that last-ditch effort ran out of steam, Vince McMahon thought he could turn back the hands of time, putting on another Austin vs. boss feud. This time around, it would be Ric Flair in the already-cliched role of the heel authority figure in this feud recycled from old material like so many cans of Steveweiser. pee04
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Austin had to face the newest member of the nWo, Misutero.

First, the Nature Boy pitted Austin against the nWo (did I mention that writers at the time had ran out of ideas?). Then, he benched Austin and forbade him from wrestling.
On June 3rd, 2002, Austin was fed up with Naitch and his rules, man, and showed up looking for a fight. Fortunately, Ric Flair had an insurance policy in the form of Arn Anderson, whom he could sic on Stone Cold if he got out of line. pee06
pee07 Predictably, Arn Anderson would get the worst of that encounter, but, less predictably, this “beatdown” would occur off-camera (Anderson having been forced to retire years earlier due to neck injuries). In fact, by the time Austin even cut his promo on Flair via the Titantron, he had already conveniently dispensed with The Enforcer, whom he puppeteered, Weekend at Bernie’s-style.
Austin goaded Flair into wrestling him one-on-one; if Austin won, he would be re-activated. All that was left was for Stone Cold to celebrate, which on this night, looked something like this: pee09 
pee12 Yes, Austin went all R. Kelly on poor Arn. Mind-altering substances can have strange effects on people, I know; I’ve heard of LSD-users believing they can fly, but I didn’t know that plain old beer could drive a man to urolagnia.
Even with a good chunk of Austin’s 2001 spent on courting Vince McMahon with gifts and hugs, I can safely say that this act of male-on-male domination was the gayest moment in Steve’s career. pee10 
pee11  Plus, WWE never established that Arn even remotely deserved to be treated as a urinal except that he was Ric Flair’s buddy. The first we even saw of Anderson that night, he looked pitiful and disoriented like he’d been trapped in a closet all night. Next thing he knew, he was getting pissed on even worse than when the nWo mocked his retirement speech.
It didn’t help matters that Austin’s urine was mustard-yellow, just to make sure that the fans in the nosebleed section could see that the liquid was, in fact, urine. pee13
pee12  Besides, Austin said he had spent the whole day drinking, yet his urine had the impossibly dark color of a man severely dehydrated.
After giving Arn an experience that felt anything but “stone cold,” Steve delivered a line that would be uttered much more memorably by Shawn Michaels years later.
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(Don’t trust anybody, especially a man this giddy after having just urinated on another human being)


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An enraged Ric Flair decided to pile on the stipulations for his match that night. With his lawyer writing up the contract by hand, Flair dictated a series of rules, such as a ban on punching in the match, with the added condition that if Austin lost, he would have to become Flair’s personal assistant (though I wonder what kind of “personal assistance” Slick Ric needed that would require a man in drag). Both he and Austin immediately signed the freshly-inked contract.
However, we would later learn that Flair had employed the worst lawyer in the entire universe (WWE or otherwise), as Debra pointed out the flaw in the contract. See, even though Ric Flair had clearly stated that if Austin lost, he’d become Flair’s personal assistant (“Austin becomes my personal assistant… Austin has to do it all”), the lawyer had instead, somehow, recorded that whoever lost would become the winner’s assistant. pee16 
pee17 Not until John Laurinaitis signed the wrong one-legged wrestler the following year would such unbelievable incompetence be displayed in the handling of a WWE contract. Amused, Debra and Austin kept this new information on the down-low. 
Naturally, Austin won the match that night, meaning not only that he would return to the ring permanently, but that Ric Flair would become his personal assistant, doing everything from making beer runs for Stone Cold to scrubbing Austin’s toilet… pee18 
pee19  …(by which I mean “Arn Anderson’s laundry”).
 

As fate would have it, though, not only would Flair never have to don Fifi’s old French maid outfit, but Austin wouldn’t wrestle another match all year.

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The next week, Austin learned that he would be booked to lose against Brock Lesnar on free TV. The way Steve tells it, he thought hot-shotting the feud was a stupid idea, since it would cost the company untold bundles of money in pay-per-view revenue. Austin, incidentally, was not involved in the creation of WWE Network.

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(although he is something of an expert on streaming)

Steve walked out of the company, leading to the night’s hot-shot angle being replaced with an even bigger hot-shot angle, with Vince McMahon challenging Ric Flair out of the blue, winning back total control of the company, and abruptly eliminating the whole kayfabe reason for a brand split in the first place.

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It would be bad enough that Jim Ross, The Rock, and the rest of WWE would metaphorically relieve themselves all over Stone Cold until he agreed to return to the company, but consider this:

If he hadn’t come back for Wrestlemania XIX, the last accomplishment of Steve Austin’s illustrious career would have been not a beer bath, but a golden shower.

Written by

A wrestling fan ever since the days of Wrestlemania IX, Art graduated from college in the same building where Art Donovan called King of the Ring 1994. He also runs the "How Much Does This Guy Weigh?" blog, where he reviews New Generation-Era Monday Night Raws. Follow him on Twitter @Art0Donnell. Email at: art@wrestlecrap.com
37 Responses to "Induction: Stone Cold’s last Raw of 2002 – Austin 3:16 says I just whipped mine out"
  1. John C says:

    I wish there was a way to take a trip into Vince’s head like the movie Being John Malkovich. Just to see the world through those eyes, “Look pal you need to make that urine extra pee pee looking. No one will get the subtlety of the situation unless that piss looks more piss like. And make sure Lawler really oversells this, like he’s never actually seen someone urinate on someone else. HAAAA!!! HAAAA!!! HAAAAA!!! You’re in big trouble if it doesn’t work right.”

  2. Sean Bateman says:

    thank god I didn’t have cable when that happened

  3. CP says:

    I’m sorry, I don’t consider this WrestleCrap. The departure thing,.absolutely. But peeing on AA? I still laugh.

    • Christ says:

      It’s the whole angle for the night, though. It’s not really the fact he urinated (that alone would just be kind of silly but still potentially amusing), it’s more the fact that he did it to someone who was never booked as warranting such punishment as well as the ridiculous contract thing. So it’s Wrestlecrap because nothing about it makes sense even within WWE’s own internal logic.

    • The Man says:

      Only a douchebag would think that is funny, It was pretty stupid and unnecessary.

    • Dr.Gonzo says:

      Get outta here, Vince.

  4. Cpt SuckerPunch says:

    i guess this really isnt wrestlecrap…it is wrestlepiss though! (rim shot)…ahh…seriously though, crap or piss this was a terrible idea…hilarious induction as always mr art…

  5. Rose Harmon says:

    God, WWE in 2001-2003 had a lot of Wrestlecrap!

    • Christ says:

      Be glad it did, because the rest of the product was just plain boring at that time. Hogan as babyface WWF champion in 2002 says it all, I know it wasn’t the plan and the fans reacted strongly to Hogan at Wrestlemania, but think of all the people who got huge reactions that DIDN’T get a title run out of it, let alone in horrible physical condition as Hogan was.

      • Doc 902714 says:

        Vince McMahon thought so well of Hulk Hogan despite their past i.e. Hogan going to WCW and testifying at his federal court trial and consequently trying to put Vince out of business in the Monday Night Ratings War that he not only made Hulk Hogan the first World champion champ of the WWF when it changed from the WWWF (World Wide Wrestling Federation) but also the WWE.

  6. The Carpetbagger says:

    Yikes, did Austin have bladder cancer?!

  7. Down With OPC says:

    Wait, what WAS the kayfabe reason for the brand split?

    • Brandon says:

      The kayfabe reason was that Vince & Flair couldn’t get along as co-owners, thus the roster would be split.

    • Jimbolian says:

      Had to do that Ric and Vince were dueling “owners” of the WWF, so Linda put an end to it by doing the brand split with Ric getting Raw and Vince getting Smackdown.

      Realistically, has to do with the fact that the talent pool was filled to the brim, so in theory, it made sense to have a brand split so at least someone got some TV time.

      • Saint Stryfe (@saintstryfe) says:

        Of course, if they could plan ahead, not overbook, try to save something for next week, shorter segments, and use that saved time on building new stars, but that’s not really WWE TV is it? Naw, put on a stupid arbitrary feud in order to create tension that no one cares about…

        The brand split was WWE’s ultimate admission that they can’t plan for shat. They couldn’t prevent themselves from doing 20+ minute x. v. authority figure segments. It’s all they’ve done for 6 years! They were so bereft of ideas and unable to do anything but the same formula that they couldn’t book for the fact that Austin, Rock, Michaels and Taker were on their way out as full-time talent. So to force themselves to use new talent, they had to arbitrarily split people up. In the early 90’s you’d have 3-4 month feuds because you didn’t need to give them weekly segments with tons of talking. They can have a series of matches over 3 months then a PPV build up match then a blow off the next show – 3-6 months on mid-card angles. Wow, wouldn’t that be nice? In that way, Austin was right, BTW, it was idiotic to give Austin/Lensar away on free TV.

        Honestly, here’s the ultimate irony of early-mid 2000’s WWE: who’s their savior? Not McMahon, not Steph, not Trips….. it was the one guy who probably hates WWE more than anyone else: Jim Cornette. Think about it: his OVW promotion trained Batista, John Cena, Randy Orton, Brock Lesnar, all on the top of the card. They trained gimmick guys like Dinsmore, Morella, Shelton Benjamin, Ryder, Mickie James, Lashley, London, Burchill, all who went on to good runs in the big league. They all went through OVW, they all were trained by that group, they were taught to work there, and they were all better for it. And then they killed the contract with OVW, and they’ve had a tiny trickle of new talent since.

    • King of Kings says:

      Simple, before Wrestlemania 18 Vince and Ric were in a feud of sorts and could not get along kayfabe wise. Linda McMahon and the board of directors decided to split the roster into two brands for each man to control as a way to compete with one another. Flair of course ran the Raw brand Vince the Smackdown brand. Since they were kayfabe co owners of WWE at the time this made sense that is until Vince challenge Flair for 100 % ownership and won which effectively killed the reason why the brand split was made to begin with.

  8. The Scanian Maniac says:

    Is it just a coincidence that this induction was written at the same time Steve Austin devoted his latest podcast episode to his toilet emergencies? 🙂

  9. dennett316 says:

    Ok, I’m not offended or anything, but I think it’s kinda weird that this induction, and the Cena ‘Someone Bought This…’ seemed to drift towards calling things gay. The gay Popeye thing in the SBT, and now calling this the gayest thing he’s been involved with due to pissing on a guy…it’s just a weird place to go when neither thing is really exclusively “gay”. I don’t think it’s really needed in either article, and it’s kind of weird to see as I don’t recall many articles going that way in the past.

    • Christ says:

      Nah, those references have always been there. I think it’s more that wrestling is for the most part seen as a masculine pastime with a mostly straight audience. Even with more women now following it they tend to be tomboyish, and those who work within the company like Stephanie aren’t overtly feminist (thank goodness) so much as egalitarian. So when you see really awkward physical interactions between men it’s a bit jarring, especially when you know full well that the people involved are straight like with Billy and Chuck. Strangely though, the Prime Time Players have never been booked in such a way despite having a known gay man in the team. You’d have thought WWE would want to shove this down our throats (ahem) but they’ve not really done that on TV. Though I guess that’s not such a bad thing considering how horribly TNA booked Orlando Jordan’s bisexuality.

      • Christ says:

        *Include Dixie as another example of a high-ranking female within the wrestling industry who mercifully doesn’t use it as an excuse to push uninformed outdated feminism onto people.

  10. Mister Forth says:

    Saying they ran out of ideas for him is an understatement.

  11. That Don Guy says:

    The story leaves something else out, IIRC; on the RAW after Austin’s last one, Vince announced that Austin had been fired, which brought up the question: if Vince could fire him at any time, why didn’t he fire him after the first time he gave Vince a Stunner, or after Commissioner Shawn Michaels gave Austin Vince’s title shot?

    • Alexandru says:

      Yeah very good point while Vince was very entertaining as a heel boss, there is a huge logic gap if the boss is a heel i.e. why can’t a boss arbitrarily suspend/fire the face he’s having trouble with? Makes it hard to suspend disbelief

      • Rocko says:

        The reason given was Vince wanted to make Austin suffer and firing would be too easy.

        • Christ says:

          But then, why would he fire him now? Why wouldn’t he just overturn the Flair result and say Austin was contractually obligated to work for Flair? They could then humiliate Austin by claiming he was working at Flair’s private office or something.

          Trying to fill a plothole with another plothole, also known as the Voodoo Shark.

        • Guest says:

          Hmmm so that where Stephanie McMahon got her logic in regards to firing Randy Orton from.

      • Christ says:

        The two biggest brainfarts of all were the following –

        1) why did Shane go behind Vince’s back to rehire Austin for the Deadly Games tournament if he was then going to turn on him and side with Vince? Assuming Vince was in on the plan from the start, why rehire Austin at all when he wasn’t needed in order to get the belt on the Rock? It was obviously just done for the shock factor.

        2) why did Vince hire the Undertaker to found the Ministry of Darkness to get the belt off Austin all the way back in January when Austin not only was not champion yet, but hadn’t even won the Royal Rumble…which he didn’t win anyway as Vince won it with help from the Rock, only for his own hand-picked commissioner Shawn Michaels to point out a loophole in Vince’s lawyers’ own contract that said Austin could get the title shot?

        Also, the chain of events leading to Michaels hating the Corporation was also insane – he helped Rock retain the WWF title against his friend X-Pac, so DX got their revenge by leaving him in the snow to get beaten up by the Corporation he’d just helped keep the title, which therefore meant HBK was back on the side of DX.

        Man, Russo is one weird guy.

  12. Alexandru says:

    Forgot about this for good reason. Man the Authority character is a beyond played out gimmick in wrestling that needs to just go away. The only time it really has worked was with Austin/Vince nobody else could pull it off i.e. see the Authority today it’s an extremely poor man’s corporation without any of the charm/goofiness.

  13. Thomas Moffatt says:

    I’ve always wanted to know who the one legged wrestler John ‘Mmmkay’ Laurinaitis was supposed to hire was…

  14. The Dread Baron says:

    A great induction as always, though one has to wonder why hasn’t the fact that they saddled Austin with a nickname that was supposed to remind people of The Six Million Dollar Man via it’s spin-off, The Bionic Woman been given a mini induction of it’s own.

    Steve Austin, wrestler. a man hardly ever poorly booked, Gentlemen we can repackage him. We have the technology… louder stronger, more brazen that he was before… I give you the Bionic Redneck

  15. Captain Ron says:

    Austin 3:16 says I really need to see a urologist.

  16. Dan says:

    I remember that 1993 WCW mag with Flair on the cover – I bought in the UK

    How ironic you’re talking about an Austin-Flair angle and that mag has them both on the front page! (Austin in Hollywood Blonds mode at the top)

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