Talking Soap

When RD told me he picked me up something totally ludicrous from WWE Niagra Falls during his recent trip, I was a happy camper. I just love crappy WWE merchandise. What could it be? A part of me wished it was one of those new dumbass HBK teddy bears/lions that are in the new WWE catalog. If you guys haven’t seen those yet and need a laugh, pick up any new WWE magazine and check those out. He quickly shot that idea down and told me it was 100 times lamer than that and I wouldn’t guess what it was in a million years. I, along with you readers, got my first glimpse of what it was two weeks ago right here on the site.

Talking soap?!? What the hell? Now, I’ve had some strange soap before, mind you. For a joke on Christmas one year, someone bought me some Star Wars barsoap that had a miniture head of Jar Jar Binks in it. And yet, as bizarre as the notion is that I’ve technically had a lameass piece of Lucasfilm CGI servicing my balls in the shower, something inside me told me this soap would be a lot different. Little did I know the severity of homoerotic nightmares it would soon bring me.

The day I received the soap in the mail, I definitely needed it. I’m a blue-collar man, and sometimes that Dove crap my girlfriend brings home from the store just doesn’t cut it. I’m a man. I need a man’s soap. This talking soap is made by the WWE, which is one tough place, so I figured it would definitely get me clean and ready for my evening. Even the picture of the Rock on the front of it looked to be saying, “Dirt and grime, prepare to get your ass kicked!”

I quickly unwrapped the soap and got set to enter my shower, and into a whole new world of cleanliness. I immediately smelled its overpowering lemon scent. Despite not exactly wanting to smell like the entire citus section in the produce aisle, I entered the shower. (DISCLAIMER: Sorry female ‘Crappers. All nudity has been edited. You’re just gonna have to wait for my porn career to take off in The Young & The Wrestling 5: Dildo on a Pole – Blade)

Here’s one for the ladies (and prison inmates) out there!

I was getting a good suds, and then all of a sudden, my worst fears happened. That’s when I heard his voice. It was the Rock. And he was pissed.

“Go wash up jabroni, cause quite frankly you stink!”

I was immediately unnerved by the simple fact that there was a man’s voice in the shower with me. I’m straight as an arrow, baby, so you can see where I’m coming from. It seemed like I was in the shower with the Rock as he was auditioning for Dustin Hoffman’s role in the remake of Rainman. He wouldn’t shut the f**k up. “Go wash up….Go wash upGo wash up.” With all this talking from a man while bathing, I truly felt like I was thrust right into the middle of some prison shower gang-bang!!!

Confused by all this I dropped the soap.

As it lay there by my feet, still jabbering, I thought of an eerie parallel. In the 70’s movie Deliverance, Burt Reynolds and his bumbling around in water resulted in Ned Beatty getting butt-rammed by a few guys. A few decades later, Burt’s nephew – RD Reynolds – gives me a gift which leads me to water as well..with another man’s voice waiting for me. Too f’n coincidential. I’m anal, but only in the way I organize my wrestling tape collection. I carefully bent over, picked up the soap, and exited the shower. Damn this homoerotic talking soap that was obviously a creation of Pat Patterson’s naughty mind.

Right about then, I remembered something. It’s water activated. I know just the perfect spot for it.

After I got dressed, I took a look at the toilet where the talking soap had been sitting for a while. Luckily for me I got the last laugh. The soap had shut up as I apparently had drown it. Strangely, it had turned the water a urine-like color. How ironic, because this was one piss-poor idea from WWE marketing.

Oh and by the way, thanks for the traumatizing experience, RD….payback’s a muthaf**ker!!!!!

Hey, Blade you’re not alone! Here’s what fellow Crapper Dave Beckett has to say: “I dont have the rock soap, but I do have the stone cold one, and it says ‘wash your ass’, and wash up, cause thats the bottom line …’ Truly a piece of WrestleCrap!”

RD: There’s something very unsettling about hearing a man’s voice tell me to wash my ass.

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