Street Slam Bad Boyz

RD: Just in time for Christmas, I am proud to announce a very special Someone Bought This, penned by none other than Blade Braxton himself. Let us join our JOTWmeister as he reviews the equivalent of Santa taking a dump in your stocking: Street Slam Bad Boyz Wrestling Figures!

Well, it’s Christmas time again. For a lot of the youngsters, no doubt you’ll find a whole bunch of new toys waiting to be unwrapped underneath the tree this year. And I’m sure a lot of the young ‘Crappers out there put some of the WWE Jakks action figures at the very top of their wish-lists. Surely if Little Billy was a good boy this year, Santa just might hand deliver the latest Eugene or Triple H figure.

But what about the naughty boys? You know, the ones who may have set fire to the neighbor’s cat this year, or even worse, used their allowance money to
buy Triple H’s new book instead of RD’s. Well, forget about getting coal in your stocking, you just might receive something worse. You could receive this week’s Christmas Someone Bought This. Straight from the Island Of Misfits Toys itself, I give you “The Bad Boyz!”

As I was doing a little Christmas shopping at the local Target, I noticed they had one of those cheesy “Everything’s $1” displays, this one dubbed the “1-Spot.” Amongst a bunch of candy and old $1.00 cartoon dvd’s from the early 1950’s, lurked something that caught my eye – wrestling figures. What could they be? Since WCW and ECW folded, it’s either been WWE Jakks figures or nothing. Well world, say hello to the Street Slam Wrestlers, subtitled the “Bad Boyz,” made by some company called Ja-Ru. Considering I was in a fine establishment like Target, you’d think I might’ve stumbled upon a quality wrestling figure line, right? Wrong-o!! I picked up the first toy and was totally amazed.

Faster than you can say “cheap-ass, illegal, bootleg wrestling-figure,” I noticed I was staring at a figure of none other than Lance Storm. Now, while poor Lance’s talents may have been totally wasted by the WWE giving him bad gimmicks like “Mr.Boring,” the fine folks at Ja-Ru seem to have fixed Storm’s dilemma. Say hello to the new and improved “Serial Killer” Lance Storm.

I dare anyone to call Storm boring now, as he wields his new gimmick – some sort of fully-automatic, saw-blade torture rifle. And when Lance is done severing the head of his poor victim (in this case, poor Rambo Gagne) with his nifty new weapon, he can use the other accessary he comes with – a trash can – to neatly dispose of the corpse and avoid any potential problems with pesky law enforcement.

The next figure I found was came complete with the WWE Intercontinental Championship belt.

Yep, say hello to the recently resurrected Dick The Bruiser, complete in his Starrcade 90 referee outfit. While the late great Dick may have passed away to the great wrestling ring in the sky a decade ago, the fine folks at Ja-Ru show that they care by giving Dick a set of crutches, as he works out the rigor mortis and prepares to defend his new Intercontinental belt. I don’t know how popular this old-timer’s figure will sell amongst the younger crowd, but I for one am all for it, as now you can now recreate Starrcade 90 and make the Black Scorpion kick everyone’s ass and go over!!!!

All right, look’s like Ja-Ru is not gonna stop at homicidal wrestlers and illegally bootlegged I-C titles. Take a look at this guy.

This weirdo looks one part La Parka, one part Skeletor, and one part Kiss. Who could be behind that mask. Odds are it’s a luchador, or at least a veteran of the Kabuki theater. Let’s see:

I’ll be damned. It’s William Regal. Hey, when his angle with Eugene is all said and done, he may just want to follow his bootleg figure’s lead and hide his face in shame.

Now there’s a familiar face – Stone Cold Steve Austin. Only something’s wrong. Look at his eyes. He appears to be tweaked and completely coked out of his mind. (Note from RD: He looks more like “Stone Cold” Marty Feldman to me.)

Hey, who’s that sitting down next to “Stone Coke?” Why it’s none other than HBM himself. Who?!? Yes, it’s the Heartbreak Middle-aged Man, Shawn Michaels (note his rapidly receding hair line).

Gee, Shawn sure looks scared out of his mind. Could it be because he is about to get robbed for crack money, or because he caught a glance at Austin’s new size DD breast implants?!?

Also available for sale are these jokers. Some blond guy with Bell’s Palsy and two other dorks. Now, I don’t know who these guys are, but it looks like Ja-Ru rounded them up at the local gay bar. One look at their dildo-like torture weapons, and I’m concerned that if these guys make it into your son’s toybox, there may be a landmark “don’t ask, don’t tell” law laid down amongst the G.I. Joes and the other toys.

All right, that’s it. These hideous bootleg toys are almost definitely the work of the devil (or at least Mr. Pitch). Just when I’m about to leave in horror, I spot a familar, friendly face. Ahh, the Rock. Well, at least Ja-Ru left the people’s champ alone and looking normal, right?

Ahhhh!!! This isn’t the Rock I know. Look at those fruity colored trunks, boots, and pads. This has got to be….shudder… Lenny and Bruce’s long lost partner….Rainbow Express Rock.

At least it looks like Rainbow Express Rock is following right where his new partner Bruce left off. Ewww!

Just so no kid had to suffer a frightening Christmas by receiving these “Bad Boyz,” I quickly plunked down $6.00 for the whole batch and took them home. Well kiddies…I hope you’ve learned something here today. Be on your best behavior for the remainder of this year and all of 2005, or Santa might just have a “bad” surprise waiting for you underneath the tree.

Oh, what’s that? What became of the Bad Boyz I purchased. Well, last time I did the Someone Bought This column, it was when RD punished me by sending me the talking soap. I promptly found the proper place for it. And you know what? I think that’s where these godawful, surely-illegal, ripoff toys should go too.

Bad Boyz, Bad Boyz…whatcha goin do? I know what I’m gonna do: flush the crapper.

Merry Christmas!!!!

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