Kimberly Page Head
Text by Blade Braxton
You know, Ebay is a wondrous invention. Why, where else can you find pieces of toast with the Virgin Mary’s face on them that go for thousands of dollars, or shell out almost $100 for five minute phone calls with either Ron Simmons or Buff Bagwell? Definitely some weird stuff out there, and yours truly always keeps an eye out for anything interesting. A few months ago as I was wasting some time browsing, I stumbled upon an item that definitely caught my eye:
“WCW Kimberly Page Head”
Did I just read that right? Head from Kimberly Page? While she may not go down in history as the greatest female sports entertainer of all-time, she was definitely one of the best looking ever and had perhaps the best overall body in the sport.
I was definitely interested in this auction. And get this, you could receive head for a special “buy it now” price of $4.99 + $3.00 shipping and handling. Now, I know Kimberly and Diamond Dallas Page recently split up during the summer, but I didn’t think Kim would go down the tubes so fast. Maybe this low-priced head was really a cry for help. Maybe she just needed an outlet to meet somebody. Have some quality conversation, or something like that. Well, whatever the reason, I quickly plunked down the $4.99 + shipping and paid by Paypal for the fastest service. The person running the auction was rather quiet, not giving me any detail other than I should expect arrival in about three days.
The days came and went, as I anxiously awaited the arrival of my goddess. Then it happened one afternoon. The knock at the door. Oh yeah, talk about one hell of a Nitro Party getting ready to happen.
Flowing with excitement, I jumped up and opened the door. I was stunned to find the object of my fantasy not there. Instead, laying at my feet was a brown box.
Ahhh, I guess she gonna make me play waiting games. Oh well, good things come to those who wait, right? I decided to open the box real fast before Kim arrived.
Maybe it was that new WWE dvd I had ordered from High Spots? Those guys ship fast stuff fast, I wasn’t expecting their package that day. Let me see….
Ahhhhhh!!!!! No, the horror!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This can’t be. I feel like Brad Pitt in the movie Seven. This isn’t happening. Where’s the real Kimberly?!? Where’s my freakin’ blow job?!?
I had to sit down and relax, and then face reality. There would be no X-rated Nitro Party that day. The lovely Ms. Page was not on her way to my door.
As I sit there on my couch, staring blankly at this “Kimberly” head I now possessed, I realized one of life most important lessons once again. Don’t believe anything you read, especially if it’s on eBay. After a little research, I found out that what I had purchased was a 1999 WCW Squeezie head, made by some company called ALPI.
I also learned that a case of the “blue balls” sucks. Oh well, at least I won’t have a pissed off, mad as f*#k DDP trying to kick my ass for messing around with his ex-wife. But I still have those damn “blue balls” though.
Anyone know how much Tygress or Spice would charge for a little service?