Who doesn’t love a wedding? Specifically, who doesn’t love a WRESTLING-related wedding? There have been a few notable wrestling weddings throughout the years. Paul “The Butcher” Vachon, Uncle Elmer, Macho Man and Elizabeth, Test and Stephanie, Triple H and Stephanie, Teddy Long and Kristal, Billy and Chuck…ah, good times.
Some of those were horrible times, especially that Uncle Elmer one. What a disaster that was. No wonder we inducted that one a while back.
(Note from RD: Can’t believe you left out what was by far the greatest wrestling wedding in history: Kane and Lita. Not only did it feature a four piece quartet playing Kane’s theme (!!!!), it had Trish Stratus in a white lingere ensemble that no male watching will ever, EVER forget. I mean, JJ Walker would tell you that was literally the definition of ‘good times’.)
And today we’re going to delve right back into a nonsensical nuptial, this one courtesy of WCW and our old pal, Vince Russo. It would feature these two women…
…fighting over a man named Flair. Seems like a logical storyline, right? Two skanks fighting over the legendary “Nature Boy!”
Except it wasn’t Ric Flair.
It was DAVID Flair.
Yes, STACY KEIBLER and DAFFNEY duking it out over DAVID FLAIR.
Wait. I mean…
It all started with WCW franchise David doing a weak and unenthusiastic “even for a white guy” dance for Miss Hancock (Stacy’s pre-WWE moniker) on the announcer’s table while she took notes during a match.
See, because that was her gimmick: SHE TOOK NOTES.
Oh, and then she danced like a skank.
As for his son’s dancing skills, the elder Mr. Flair has this to say.
Apparently David’s (in)ability to cut a rug made Miss Hancock unable to resist his smoldering acceptable averageness and the two were being caught by the WCW cameras in secret meetings backstage, which didn’t sit well with David’s manager/fiancee Daffney.
Poor Daff (who really should’ve auditioned to be the Next Vampira/Elvira – I mean, she’d outlast Shelly Martinez, right?) comes out to the ring in her black wedding dress (that’s deep, maaaaan) and tells David that he broke her little goth girl heart by getting close to Miss Hancock.
But then she switches to psycho girlfriend mode by saying she’s going to break “Miss Peacock’s” toothpicky legs.
Miss Hancock comes out to rub it in Daffney’s face but doesn’t get far when a catfight breaks out, resulting in the camera cutting to shots of the crowd as if to say, “Really, these people are enjoying it. Please don’t change the channel. We’re losing $62,000,000 here.”
The following week, Miss Hancock is caught leaving David’s dressing room fixing her hair, while Daffney spies behind a trunk.
Suddenly have a craving for a Fruitopia and I have no idea why.
Miss Hancock comes to the ring for the heck of it (glad the ring just happened to be empty for her) to do her “I’m going as far as basic cable will allow me” almost striptease, while Mark Madden officially makes himself the most annoying person in wrestling history, surpassing Susan St. James at Wrestlemania 2 and Jameson ejaculating into a pillow on The Bobby Heenan Show.
Daffney comes to the ring for yet another catfight as Madden does his best to channel his inner Joey Styles.
I gotta give Daff credit, she gets in a good stiff football tackle there, which would make Jim Ross/Oklahoma very proud and inform the viewers that Daffney was an All American at the University of Alabama.
Leave it to Scott Hudson to make a great point: all this jealousy and vicious fisticuffs is done to garner the affections of DAVID FLAIR.
Daffney then is apparently bested by hair pulling while Miss Hancock bends over the second rope triumphantly. Daff regains her follicle composure enough to yell in her goth rage that she’s going to send Miss Hancock back to the kitchen at Hooters.
Hey, don’t be dissing those chicken wings. I can eat baskets of those til my tummy hurts.
Daffney soon gets her revenge when Miss Hancock is getting her hair done by someone who I believe was Mimi from The Drew Carey Show. She sends Mimi away and instead of putting a big wad of gum in her hair or putting a rude sign on her back, Daff decides to pull Miss Hancock to the floor, smear lipstick all over her face and dowse her with talcum powder while trash talking that “two bit hussy.”
Come on, Daff, take the kid gloves off – call her Miss Peacock again!
Unfortunately for Daffney, security is coming to take her away, ho ho hee hee haa haa, to the happy home, with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they’recoming to take her away, ha-haaa!!!
Sorry, got a little carried away there.
It’s decided that Miss Hancock and Daffney would have a final blow-off for David’s tepid affections in the ever-creatively named “Wedding Gown” match, where the first person stripped of their wedding gown loses. So…Miss Hancock wants to marry him now? A week before the event, she teases the crowd by saying for the Wedding Gown Match at Bash at the Beach, she probably won’t be wearing any underwear.
Being a few months earlier The Kat flashed her breasts at WWF’s Armageddon PPV, I wouldn’t doubt it for WCW to want to one-up that in the “Crash TV” era.
Meanwhile, David flatly and passionlessly tries to convince Daffney, in her Britney Spears sex tape wig, that he loves her while pausing to look at Miss Hancock cavorting in a slutty wedding dress on the monitors. He also conveys his love for Daffney by singing the Celine Dion song from Titanic which makes him sound like a white Urkel.
(Note from RD: I was actually thinking he sounded like a constipated Kermit. I’m not sure which is worse.)
Miss Hancock then decides to do some more basic cable stripteasing without removing any clothing, while Daffney’s other managee Crowbar sneaks into the ring and forces Miss Hancock to stay sitting in a chair, which is also how WCW hung on to the remaining 5% of their audience in 2000. He threatens to shave Miss Hancock while Mark Madden’s screaming makes Christopher Reeve get up and change the channel.
(Note from RD: Did you even know Mr. Reeve was sick?)
We get some Emmy-caliber acting from David Flair as he tells Daphne that needs Daff to get him Pepto Bismol because he has a stomach ache.
I blame the wings at Hooters.
Crowbar gets on the mic and tells David to get out there or he’ll shave Miss Hancock’s head bald, just in time for David to come out and Daffney’s run to the ring to give David a shot to the happy sacks and pour the Pepto Bismol all over her unfaithful fiancee.
Can’t believe Russo’s never booked a Pepto Bismol on a Pole match.
Seems like such a natural.
But Miss Hancock intervenes as Crowbar attempts to save Daffney but Crowbar, being a typical mindless horny male (I’m just calling it as I see it, guys), he falls for Miss Hancock’s promise of a basic cable blowjob as David takes this opportunity to waffle him with a folding chair and do the full heel (or babyface? really, I can’t tell) turn on Daffney and joins in the cutting of her hair with the clippers.
I know what you’re thinking: that’s the most confusing paragraph you’ve ever read.
All I can say is don’t blame me – I’m just reporting the facts here.
Well the day FINALLY arrives for the “Wedding Gown” match after 9 years of build-up. Expectations for this one are the highest…for the 10% of WCW’s once massive audience that had all but vanished at this point.
Miss Hancock and David pass by the obligatory wedding cake and of course the announcers do the annoying insider talk that became commonplace in the Russo era by saying, “Yeah, it’s a wrestling show so someone is gonna get caked”.
Thanks for the insight!
David and Miss Hancock decide to get the Honeymoon started before the wedding while Mark Madden screams how she’s fantasizing about him. Yes, Mark, because all women that look like Stacy Kiebler (with even the most basic of standards) want to be crushed by a shrill sweating 300 pound tub of Nickelodeon GAK.
Dead serious here people, if you just HAVE to watch this match, I strongly advise you do so with your television/computer on MUTE. Lest you be driven to suffocating yourself with a plastic bag.
(Note from RD: Poor Tony Schiavone…at one point he was actually really good. By the end, though, he was a complete parody of himself, who, aside from a one or two show stint in TNA, seemingly never wanted to get anywhere near the wrestling business again.
And Madden? Well, we’d blast him for being horrible, but we wouldn’t want another angry email from him explaining how his match with Gene Okerlund was actually good.
And yes, we actually got that a few years back.)
But alas, Daffney interrupts and they roll around for awhile before Miss Hancock actually tries to have a wrestling match by doing a Muta elbow that had to have made Keiji wish he’d never come up with that move.
Still, as bad as Stacy did it, she was wearing face paint and spitting green mist compared to Kelly Kelly.
Which leads me to a question that’s been bugging me for ages: why do only women do that move now? Surely one of the flippy guys in the X-Division could pull it off, right?
The match meanders on and David interferes (I guess there’s no DQ here, but does it really matter at this point in WCW?), getting a slap from Daffney for his interference, while Miss Hancock decides to pants the referee, which for some reason gets a huge cheer from the crowd.
I’ve never quite figured it out, but ripping off a guy’s – a GUY’S! – pants and revealing his boxers surpasses even name dropping the city you’re in to get a cheap pop in wrestling.
And WCW took this to the extreme by having David getting pantsed…
…and then Crowbar running in and taking off his own pants, which leads to an impromptu wrestling match with David in the middle of this other so-called match.
The climax of this, if you will, is everyone running aimlessly around the ring.
Miss Hancock decides she’s had enough (I can’t blame her a bit) and takes off her own dress so she loses and tells the crowd she’s about to take off her top. Before she can show off her A-cups, Daffney taps her on the shoulder and gives her a faceful of wedding cake.
And everyone just goes around the ring pushing cake into one another’s faces.
Absolutely horrendous and embarrassing beyond description.
The aftermath of all this?
Stacy Keibler went on to great fame in WWE, eventually becoming a finalist on Dancing with the Stars, which for some reason WWE did not want to capitlize on. Don’t ask us; that’s a question for Dave Meltzer.
Daffney had a total makeover and wound up in TNA first showing up as “The Governor” (yes yes, we’ll get to that one!) and now as a ratings drawing hot goth chick.
David Flair? Retired from the business and became seemingly the only sane member of the Flair family.
And WCW died of course.
With ‘attractions’ such as this, did you really expect anything else?