Warrior – The Comic Book

Ultimate Warrior Comic Book

“Destrucity: In its design, Destrucity represents a constellation existing in the heavens which symbolizes the “Eight Disciplines” by which Warriors choose to live their lives. Brought to existence by the destinies of those willing to die for their Beliefs, brought to exist as a place where people live by Belief in the evolution of their Higher Selves — constantly evolving toward a completion of their chosen destiny — all with strength in the denial of “System Beliefs” — the very Beliefs that amplify differences in and create rights, wrongs, judgments, and opinions of people, places, and things.”

And thus begins one of the most confusing, nonsensical pieces of…well, literature is probably stretching it, but we’ll go with it anyway…that you will ever have the misfortune of reading. Yes, fans, believe it or not, someone actually had the bright idea to bring the maniacal rantings of the Ultimate Warrior to you in comic book form….and decided that Warrior should actually be one of the writers! After suffering through all five issues of this series (the things I do for you people), I can only say…

What the hell indeed. And, ironically enough, after reading through these comics, I can also say that I feel as though I have been bloodied and beaten. I’ve seen nuclear reactor repair manuals that made more sense!

It seems that even the other writers of the comic realized that the thing made absolutely no sense. At the beginning of issue three, the “Destrucity” page was dropped in favor of an explanation of sorts:

“Comment has been made that while Warrior, ie, character of this comic book, is trying to become the first of what a warrior truly is as others envision one, that maybe some of the readers are somewhat confused. So for you…some Warrior Wisdom. (RD: NOOOOO!) First and foremost, Warrior is being challenged upon the “Terrain of Testament” to become the ideal of what a warrior is as a vision of others, ie, for anything to become something, the idea has to be created, brought to life, and simply exist.”

And so, if you weren’t confused before, you surely will be now.

Insanity of an egomaniac aside, let’s take a look at the fascinating adventures of our pal Warrior. Here, Warrior runs into his pappy, who looks for all the world like Jesus on Steroids. This would make sense, of course, since the Warrior always professed to being a god himself. What a loon.

As if the vision of an anabolically enhanced Christ-figure as Warrior’s papa wasn’t disturbing enough, well, then check out the (not) limited (enough) edition of the Warrior Christmas comic. Chockful of yuletide joy, this issue had no text, and no storyline.

Which, come to think of it, is probably the greatest gift of all.

Anyway, it appears that for some reason, Warrior is on the rampage against everyone’s favorite fat man, Jolly Old St. Nick himself.

Not only does the Ultimate Fruitcake steal Santa’s bag and hat, he knocks him out and steals his pants as well!

Bothersome, no? Well, if THAT bothered you, I urge you to TURN BACK NOW. What you are about to witness below is even more disturbing, and will cause nightmares of Vince Russo-ish proportions for years to come.

Are you sure you want to see this?


It’s not too late to turn away and save yourself…

Ok, you asked for it!

That’s right, not only did Warrior steals Kris Kringle’s pants, he also forced him into bondage. Fortunately, we don’t see where he puts the mistletoe.

That Warrior has some weird sexual fixation on Santa Claus is very disturbing, but the image above does answer that age old question as to whether Santa has an “in-ny” or an “out-ty”.

Who’d a thunk it?

Now as to why Warrior decided it was his destiny to strip Santa naked and put him into bondage, I don’t know. My guess is that it has something to do with “Destrucity”, but I’m not really that enlightened in the ways of Warrior Wisdom.

And thank God for that.

Thanks to Alfonzo Tyson for use of this Comic!

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