It’s not widely documented, but one of the big reasons that Hulk Hogan headed to WCW in the mid 1990’s was due to the fact that his contract offered him a wide array of television and movie opportunities that the WWF simply couldn’t provide. One such opportunity was a television series called Thunder in Paradise, an action adventure show that featured a high tech boat and plenty of Baywatch-esque scantily clad women. Think of it as Knightboat (“The Crime Solving Boat!”) and you pretty much know where this is headed.
Confession time: I didn’t sit through an entire season of Thunder in Paradise for this induction. The truth of the matter is that loyal Crapper Alfonzo Tyson sent me a tape of a two hour movie version of the series. Therefore, while I didn’t suffer through show after show, I did torture myself with not only two hours of Hulk Hogan shenanigans, but I also got stuck watching movie trailers to boot.
The first movie to be previewed was Nukie. At first I thought I was in luck, but then I realized it was NUKIE, not NOOKIE.
Nukie is a movie “in the tradition of ET and Close Encounters,” or so claim the producers of the film. All I know about it (and all I EVER intend to know about it) is that it features Saba Simba…
…a nun…
…and horrible looking aliens who are in dire need of some Kleenex. Rest assured if I ever see Nukie at the local video store, I will promptly head over to the gas station, fill up a tank, go back across the street and set the place on fire.
Next up on the preview reel is Brain Smasher: A Love Story.
Oh COME ON. That cannot be real. Especially since it stars…
…Andrew “Dice” Clay!
For those of you who don’t remember the “Dice Man”, he was a comedian who achieved some level of fame for spewing forth profanity-ridden nursery rhymes. He was also part of one of the biggest bombs in motion picture history, The Adventures of Ford Fairline. In his honor, I have written a nursery rhyme of my own:
Hickory Dickory Dock
Your Movie Career Sucked C*ck
YO!
I never, ever thought I would say this, but by the time I went through those previews, I was actually happy to see Hulk Hogan driving his super sonic speed boat, Thunder, across my television screen.
Hogan looked very piratey indeed with his eye patch. You see, in the movie he had nearly lost his eyeball in an arm wrestling contest with Jim Neidhart.
Never thought you’d need goggles for ARM WRESTLING, but I guess that just shows how little I know.
So anyway, Spencer (Hogan) and his pal Bru (Chris Lemmon) head to Cuba to rescue a hispanic family. It should be noted that the child of this hispanic family is named Alfredo. Mama mia!
Thunder sneaks into Commieland in super secret stealth mode, which makes them, according to Bru, undetectable. Of course, it takes all of thirty seconds for that to malfunction. See, that’s one of the gags of the show – the super high tech boat is ALWAYS breaking down.
For some stupid reason, Spence sneaks out of the boat and begins to swim across the bay. Yes, swim. I guess that’s a lot safer than being in a boat with a bulletproof hull.
Hmmm…you know, if he had a fin duct taped to his back, he’d be the spitting image of Cheatum.
No, really, look.
Twin brothers from different mothers for sure.
Back in the boat, Bru pirates a satellite (and, by the looks of the graphics, a Commodore Vic-20) to oversee Hulk’s activity.
He then launches the world’s phoniest looking missiles toward his enemies, resulting in a stock footage explosion that would make Ed Wood cream his angora panties.
Despite Bru’s best efforts, eventually “the entire Cuban army” (which apparently consists of about 10 soldiers) surrounds Hulk and his foreign friends. Hulk does what any normal action hero would – he grabs the nearest telephone pole, and swings it like a baseball bat, KO’ing the commie bastards. I think we have it all wrong in the middle east – the hell with bombs and guns, just sign up Ma Bell and load up a boat with Hulk Hogan and some telephone poles.
The “entire Cuban army” successfully defeated, Bru, Spence, and the illegal immigrants head back to the friendly confines of sunny Florida.
And make no mistake about it – it is very friendly, with tons and tons of hot babes to look at. In fact, there is one sequence that is nothing but five minutes of bikini clad women, finally culminating in the hottest tamale this side of Tocula…
Charlotte Rae, whom you probably recognize as Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life.
Thankfully, the scene where Natalie runs down the beach wearing only a thong about has been deleted from this release.
Mrs. Garrett is married to Edward Whitaker, a smarmy old man who looks like the bastard love child of Jack Tunney and Lord Alfred Hayes. In fact, just make things a bit more interesting, let’s refer to him as “Lord Jack Tunney” for the remainder of this review.
Lord Jack has come to Florida to lay claim to the eyesore to your right – The Big Pink Hotel.
The hotel is currently owned by Lord Jack’s niece Megan, as she inherited it from her deceased father. However, there is a clause in the will – she can only keep the hotel if she gets married! I’m surprised she doesn’t have to stay overnight in a haunted house as well.
Anyway, she’s in need of a husband – and y’all know there’s one man who every woman on the beach wants to marry.
The pair agree to get hitched, which makes Brother Bruti the Clipmaster with No Face weep uncontrollably, no doubt due to the fact that he thought one day HE’d be Hogan’s bride.
The pastor gets to the “speak now or forever hold your piece” bit, and Lord Jack starts screaming about how the entire wedding is a sham (it is) and the only reason the two got married was to keep the hotel.
Somehow, this does NOT stop the wedding. Ummm….ok.
Indeed, the ceremony goes off, and everyone lives happily ever after.
I wish.
No, the movie is only like half over at this point. We are now introduced to a new villain, one so evil that he wants to secure missiles to blow up whales.
You know, clubbing baby seals is one thing, but launching missiles at defenceless marine life? It doesn’t get much more evil than that.
In order to accomplish their goal of nuking the whales, they steal a necklace from Megan’s daughter. See, Spence had gotten her the necklace from the belly of a shark (seriously), and though no one knows it (well, except the bad guys), the necklace is worth a million dollars.
For this wasn’t just any old necklace – it was a necklace that was actually a map to BURIED TREASURE.
And sure enough, everyone is in a mad dash to find the buried treasure, which is hidden beneath a giant X.
Not sure about you, but I for one am completely convinced that the writers weren’t even trying to put together a coherent script, and were instead attempting to break the world’s record for most cliches in a single two hour period.
The bad guys capture our heroes, of course, and toss them in an underground cave. Thankfully, there is a river in the cave, so Spence slips into his Speedos and gives the ladies watching at home quite a show.
I have nightmares – they primarily consist of the image to your left.
Still, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “RD, this movie has it all: Mrs. Garrett, bad guys blowing up whales, Hulk Hogan in a Speedo…how can it possible get any better?”
I’ve got seven words for ya…
GIANT GONZALEZ THROWING BARRELS ALA DONKEY KONG.
At this point, I don’t even know how Spence and everyone got out of danger. I just know they did, and that’s enough for me.
If that’s not good enough for you, then YOU go rent this piece of crap and find out for yourself.
You see, because I watched the end of this movie.
And I saw things I didn’t want to see.
Heard things I didn’t want to hear.
And if Hulk Hogan making mad monkey love wasn’t bad enough, my eyeballs were also contaminated with the sight of Mrs. Garrett in a hot tub.
I’m thinking she and Bru wound up doing the nasty too, but there’s no way in hell I am going back to find out.
God knows I’ve been tortured enough.
The most frightening part of doing this entire review wasn’t the insufferable pain and agony it took to watch it, but rather knowing what else is sitting on my shelf awaiting review:
My work is never done.