It was probably 25 years ago I first inducted Vince’s passion project, the World Bodybuilding Federation. Did I say “passion project”? Eh, “televised fetish” is probably a bit more accurate. Anyway, story is this: McMahon wanted to duplicate the success he’d garnered in pro wrestling in the world of bodybuilding. So he went out and signed some of the biggest competitors and gave them WWF style makeovers. And he even was able to procure a weekly television show for it, one which he called…
BODYSTARS!
More accurately, WBF Bodystars. Today we’re going to review the first ever episode of the show, and it’s a doozy. You know of course since this was Vince’s whole deal, there was only one man alive who could host it:
Matt Lauer!!
Yes, THAT Matt Lauer. Seriously, there’s the Bodystars publicity shot of him and everything. Now I don’t know everything about Matt Lauer, just that I had heard once upon a time he was something of a creep. Let’s check in with our ol’ pal AI and see if that’s accurate:
Now before the AI hate brigade storms these shores, I five you another question I asked as proof positive that it’s a valid resource:
I will have you know that I saved that on my desktop under the filename “RDWRITESGOOD.PNG.” I pull it up whenever I am having a bad day.
Anyway, back to the show. Lauer would be given the boot following the pilot (I searched, couldn’t find it!) and was replaced by none other than Vince himself along with Cameo Kneuer. Vince explains that bodybuilding is, and I am just quoting here, “the sport of the 1990s!” Watch closely, and you can witness Vince being a downright sleazebag himself throughout the whole episode. Whether it’s oogling Cameo, dry humping the barbell, and going near orgasmic when Gary Strydom’s name is mentioned, it’s all a bit unsettling. You’ve been warned!
First up we get Vince spotting Cameo on the bench press. I know you’re supposed to start light, but I have to believe she could do more than the 20 pounds we’re witnessing here. Still, it’s enough to prompt Vince to cheer Cameo on with a “YOU GOTTA WANT IT!” I’m kinda surprised he didn’t hold up a canister of ICOPRO as he said it!
So we get a way too long recap of the first ever WBF Championship, won of course by Strydom. If you don’t feel weird enough just looking at this in animated GIF form, turn up your speakers and check out the tuneage accompanying this. That is the most early 90s WWF tune I’ve ever heard in my life.
We are then assaulted by LOGOS. Logos for all the top stars! I’d mock this, but honestly I kinda love it. I think most folks know I make my living in printing, so graphics are a huge part of my life. The first computer graphic I ever did was a recreation of old WWF superstar logos I saw on Saturday Night’s Main Events. I put my Okimate 10 to work on that Bret Hart logo I’ll have you know!
We go back to Vince and Cameo, and I mean, just watching Vince here makes me go EWWW. Not sure what’s more bothersome – his leering at Cameo or him doing the white man overbite. Both are quite gross.
Now it’s time to take a look at our WBF champion, Gary Strydom! Thrill as he goes to Rodeo Drives, gives us a thumbs up in a car, and hangs out in what appears to be a shopping center in his thong. “I like to go to nice places, I like to eat at fine restaurants,” he explains. Also “winning is very important – it means success.” Deep thoughts (just not by Jack Handy).
Time for a commercial break, and these would be exactly what you’d expect. We learn that GNC is THE AUTHORITY when it comes to CYBERGENICS KITS…
…that free Soloflex brochures are just a toll free call away…
…and that milk does a body good! I love that we’re getting all these dudes jacked to the gills on this show and one of the sponsors is a guy in a white t-shirt chugging a grade school carton of milk.
Back from break, we get bodybuilding legend Tom Platz talking with, yes you guessed it, Gary Strydom! The WBF champ gives us more pearls of wisdom, concluding that they are looking to influence the youth of this country. Best part of all this has to be Tom (bedecked in his Stuart Smalley sweater) nodding silently, looking for all the world that he is about to doze off.
Back in the gym, Vince has started PUMPING IRON as Cameo looks on. I wouldn’t even include this, but Vince’s grunting and groaning as he lifts might be included in one of his many upcoming lawsuits. “Come on, Vince,” Cameo urges, “don’t be a wimp!” As you’d expect, Vince naturally loses his mind at being called such a thing.
Jim Quinn shows up next, giving us tips for obtaining vascularity or something. Apparently to do so, you need a machine that is very strict and you should use more weight.
He also goes over how to use different machines at the gym. For the first time in this entire show, I actually feel like someone could learn something here so bravo I guess?
We also learn that we will be getting MAILBAG sections on future shows, so send in those letters now. Probability of getting your question read on air? .00001%. Probability of you getting nonstop junk mail from the company? 100%.
Speaking of junk mail, we learn there was apparently an actual WBF Magazine! Not only that, but Lex Luger just happens to walk by which impresses both Cameo AND Vince. And I THINK this may well have been his first appearance on TV after leaving WCW. As I recall, he wasn’t allowed to WRESTLE, but he was allowed to hang out in the WBF until his non-compete was up. Vince doesn’t name him here, but just in case you thought he was a mirage…
…he joins us again after commercial while riding on on a motorcycle. If I’ve learned nothing else today, it’s that Harleys are a big part of the WBF lifestyle.
We get more Vince hammily overacting to Cameo’s reps as Lex pops his head up in the background like a Whack-a-Mole. They explain to us that diet is almost as important as being in the gym every second of the day, and we are introduced to…
Dr. Fred!
I look at this guy, and am baffled, BAFFLED I SAY, that he somehow wound up on a program Vince McMahon was producing. God bless him, I’m sure he knows everything about nutrition, but Vince has a certain, well, ‘look’, for all his performers and poor Fred falls way outside that stereotype. Anyway, he’s here to guide us in eating, and he leads off by explaining we should all be eating…
I want to make it very clear, I didn’t modify this graphic. “Two or three meals a day simply isn’t going to cut it!” he proclaims. Not only that, but according to the good doctor…
…we should be consuming 3,000 calories each and every day, not 2,000 or whatever other nonsense you may have heard. Why it’s as simple as 1-2-3!
Further, if you want to be 240 lbs. and are currently sitting at 190 lbs., eat up! Look, I get what they are going for here – five smaller meals a day are easier for the body to absorb than two or three monster meals. But I know the demo of the vast majority watching this show (ie, wrestling fans), and I guarantee they would just read that as “I just need to eat two more meals a day and I can be jacked? No problem!”
Most importantly, you need supplements. Which we just so happen to now offer in the form of ICOPRO! I remember the jars of this, but I didn’t realize there were approximately 37 different flavors available, ranging from Cyclone Blast, to Wind, to Storm, to COLOSSUS. Oh what I would have given to be in the brainstorming sessions as Vince and his cronies were coming up with the naming here.
I will say this – at least that video clip looked a bit professional. Other stuff that is shilled here not so much. Like I don’t know what this mannequin above was selling, but I am buying nothing but nightmare fuel right there.
Vince continues to lift as Cameo tells us we are about to learn more about the Flexing Dutchman, Berry DeMey. Gotta love Lex just photo bombing as Vince grunts out about Berry’s TRICEPS AND BICEPS!
And here’s Berry going through his workout and explaining that a workout is like a war and each rep is a victory. Again, I get it, but seeing WAR and VICTORY flying around in bright blue and magenta is the most Vince thing imaginable.
Sadly our time is up here on Bodystars, but not before Lex sneaks in one more time and tells us that he will be part of the show moving forward. Also, he’s going to WrestleMania. Oh and I really hope no one tuned into that Mania for Luger – it was just him talking to Bobby Heenan on a screen about bodybuilding. Anyway, that’s it but be sure to tune in next week…
…when Cameo “will teach women the proper technique for building strong pecs.” Vince gotta Vince!