I’ve mentioned it before (most notably in this week’s SQUASH of the Week), but it’s always been weird to me that the Undertaker character wasn’t held under more scrutiny during his early WWF run. I mean, he would put guys in body bags, crucif…err, SYMBOLIZE them, you name it. Heck, there was even that one time when he attempted to embalm poor ol’ Stone Cold Steve Austin. In fact, let’s just dive right in and induct that nonsense right now.
T’was November of 1998 and Austin was looking to regain his WWF championship from The Rock. But just as it looked as though the belt was coming back to the Rattlesnake, Undertaker and his manager Paul Bearer showed up to ensure that wasn’t going to happen. Taker’s plan was simple: I’m going to hit this man in the head as hard as I can with a metal shovel. Pretty sure I did that countless times on horrible WWF Playstation games about this time as well, so that tracks for the time.
A week later, we learn that Austin had blacked out and was taken to a medical facility in San Jose. I’d ask why it was pitch black outside since it would have been like 6:00pm out on the west coast, but that’s the least of our concerns tonight.
So we go to Stone Cold’s room, where doctors and nursing are tending to him. The world’s nerdiest doctor explains slowly and clearly that Mr. Austin has a concussion. Austin: “Well hell yeah I do, I was hit in the head with a shovel!!!” The nurses do their best to calm Stone Cold down, but that doctor, well, he’s starting to piss him off! Still, I have to admit that this company went to the trouble of editing in a overhead announcement paging “Dr. Dunn.” HA!
We come back and the hospital staff are doing their best to placate Austin, which apparently includes allowing him to wear his gear instead of a hospital gown. Pretty sure that’s not permissable. Anyway, things go from bad to worse as now good ol’ JR is doing a satellite transmission and asking him a bunch of stupid questions. Finally the medical staff forces Austin to take some sedatives to knock him out (but not before he signed an autograph for the nurse).
We head to the outside of the facility and see that a hearse has pulled up. We get the jumpiest of jump cuts ever as we witness the Undertaker doing his best to suffocate Austin with a pillow. As Paul cheers on his protege, Stone Cold collapses to the floor…
…and Taker continues on trash talking him before hauling Austin out quite literally by his ankle. Remind me to never allow anyone I know to be admitted to the “San Jose Medical Center” if they allow this sort of chicanery. Can’t believe they are still accredited!
With Austin unconscious, Bearer and Taker (“two heathens” according to JR!) head out to a cemetery, with the plan of burying him alive. So Taker busts out a shovel and starts digging and digging away, before Austin regains his bearings and goes after Paul. This infuriates Taker, who chokes Austin out with a chloroform rag before coming up with a better plan – screw putting Stone Cold in the ground, let’s EMBALM HIM INSTEAD!
Before that can even register in anyone’s brain, we immediately go to the arena where The Godfather is heading to the ring with his ho’s. I know that has nothing to do with the rest of the induction tonight, but it was so incredibly jarring I had to mention it.
Once the pimp and his prostitutes are finished entertaining everyone at the arena, we catch back up with Paul and Taker who are pulling into a house of some sort. Sure, if you say so. Like we’re told it’s a funeral home, but it kinda looks a townhouse or something.
Regardless, Taker brings Austin into the embalming room and throws him on the cold hard slab. “The Stone Cold hard slab!” notes Paul in a funny line. Bearer applauds Taker for having such a great idea, and then the Dead Man (Taker, not Austin) goes on a soliloquy about how Austin can’t escape fate and some other such gibberish and he’s doomed and all that.
As stupid as all this is, I will admit I howled when Paul propped up Steve’s head and moved it back and forth like a ventriloquist dummy. He really should have put a little top hat on him and gone full Charlie McCarty there.
And at this point things go from the dumbest thing you’ll ever see to NO REALLY THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING YOU’LL EVER SEE. Undertaker pulls out a sword of some sort and lifts it on high. For a second there I thought he was going to commit harakiri, but no – it’s Austin’s doom! And then Taker drops the melodramatic tripe about becoming ageless and deathless and begins with the good Lord above as my witness and I am not making this up SPEAKING IN TONGUES.
Just when it looks like all hope is lost, Paul goes to the door and…well, just kinda turns around. I guess he didn’t see Kane staring at him through the window (or more likely that was Kane’s bust through the door. So Kane comes in and starts beating the crap out of his brother as Bearer grabs a needle and looks to impale Austin. But Stone Cold wakes up and shoves Paul to the side before crawling out of the room like a drunken toddler. Paul waddles as fast as he can to catch him, but the Rattlesnake escapes and this idiotic segment comes to a merciful end. Austin may not have died here, but whoever came up with this one was most certainly brain dead.