Ho ho ho everyone, the holidays are upon us! And if you’re anything like me, you long for those days of the Sears Wishbook where you’d scribble out a list to let the ‘rents know what you are hoping Santa will be getting you come Christmas morning. With that in mind, I decided to head over to shop.wwe.com and see what they had. Would you believe I found a bunch of crap? Of course you do, that’s why you’re here!
Undertaker Tiki Mug!
Ever wanted to have an Undertaker cup but preferred he came from the Hawaiian isles instead of Death Valley? Then step right up for this Geeki Tikis Undertaker Tiki mug. You’ll be shocked to know that at the time of this writing, this piece of s…errr…drinkware, “masterfully crafted out of high-quality ceramic” is residing in the clearance aisle at shop.wwe.com. For just $17.09 it’s all yours. Yep, they just HAD to charge that extra nine cents. It’s been a very lean year at TKO you know!
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin Woven Scarf
You know what says Texas rattlesnake? A fine woven scarf! Why I can picture Steve Austin stomping about the streets of Victoria, Texas, raising hell whilst also keeping nice and warm. “It features unmistakable “Stone Cold” Steve Austin iconography, stylish fringed ends and serged seams to help prevent unraveling. Grab this cozy accessory before heading out and take on the day!” OH HELL YEAH!!!
Paul Heyman Pillow!
Although it’s not called it, this looks exactly like one of the Wrestling Buddies of years gone by. Of course back then you’d want actual, you know, wrestlers, not managers or wisemen or con artists or whatever Paul is these days. To be fair, this isn’t the worst idea as Paul is after all very entertaining. Maybe I’m just jealous there was never a Bobby “The Brain” Heenan Wrestling Buddy. Yeah, that’s probably it.
Ultimate Warrior Contenderoos
No no – they’re not Underoos, they are CONTENDEROOS! And if you want to blanket your junk (or maybe your badonkadonk) with a neon green version of the Warrior logo, Shop WWE has got you covered. “Channel The Ultimate Warrior and sprint as fast as you can to add this Contenderoos T-Shirt & Boxer Briefs Set from Contenders Clothing. It features a comfy cotton tee bearing The Ultimate Warrior’s iconic face paint logo and breathe-easy, poly-spandex blend boxer briefs with immaculate stitching and detail.” Immaculate stitching! Detail! WAAAARRRRRRIOOOOORRRRRRROOOOOOOOSSSSSSS!!!!
Triple H Plush Bleacher Creature!
No joke, I saw this and had no idea who it was supposed to be. Not only did I not know, I asked Mrs. Deal who it was and she was also stumped, eventually guessing John Moxley. Pretty sure she guessed him only because he was on screen as I was writing this. But yeah, this is apparently Triple H. I’m not trying to be funny here, I legit would have never guessed that was Hunter. And even if someone had told me it was, I wouldn’t have believed them. The description tells us “this fun plush toy captures his likeness to give you an authentic, squishy companion for every big event. ” Hunter allowed something with his name on it to be labeled as “SQUISHY?” Maybe he’s finally getting over all his insecurities. Promise you the Hunter of 2005 would have never let that fly!
Liv Morgan Wireless Keyboard!
You know what would make putting this article easier? If I could be poking Liv Morgan. By that I mean typing all over her face. That sounds even worse. Anyway, you too can have Liv staring at you as you do things that should have you desperately deleting your browser history. Up to you. I won’t judge you. But I think keyboard Liv might. She’s just like Santa, she knows when you’ve been bad or good.
Indianapolis Colts Championship Belt!
I…don’t deserve it after all those terrible Liv Morgan jokes. Besides, I’ve always thought collecting championships belts was pretty stupid anyway. Just send me the $600 (!!!) this thing cost in cash instead. I’m trying to put a kid through college you know!
Jey Uso Bluetooth Waterproof Speaker!
When I think about getting high quality audio electronics, my mind naturally goes straight to shop.wwe.com. And I know I’m not alone. Heck, fine products like this are no doubt why places like Best Buy are on death’s door. Soon they too will go the way of Radio Shack and Circuit City. One can only imagine the deep, resounding bass pumping out of this fine bluetooth speaker. Not enticing enough for you? Did I mention “it even includes a suction cup mount, so you can enjoy your favorite tunes in the shower.” Anyone know if actually plays music or just yeets at you as you’re scrubbing your nether regions?
Honky Tonk Man Baby Bodysuit!
Christmas is the time to not only think about yourself, but also others in the family. What better gift could a three month old receive than a romper featuring the greatest Intercontinental champion of all time? I’ll hand it over to WWE for the hard sell here: “The 100% cotton construction features a lap-shoulder neckline for easy dressing while the three-snap bottom allows for quick diaper changes.” I like the thought that this company is now marketing to newborns via wrestlers whose prime was 40 years ago…and who the gimmick they had was based on a guy whose prime was 70 years ago!
Stone Cold Steve Austin Used Beer Can!
I know I’ve heard that this company could put garbage in a bag and sell it to their stans, but I never thought they would sell actual trash. Yes, you dear reader can now bid on a used and mangled beer can. Not a 12 pack. Not a six pack. Just one single can that looks like it was rummaged out of Steve Austin’s garage. Did Stone Cold sign it? No. Could you set it on your shelf and not have it fall over? No. Does it still have beer in it? I dunno, maybe. Kids, this is the world in which we now live – WWE puts literal garbage on their website and folks pay top dollar for it. You know what Santa? Just leave my stocking empty this year.