The Shining Stars

Returning to TV in 2016, The Shining Stars were Primo & Epico Colón, fresh off their long, unfortunate tenure as Los Matadores.

Bullfighting had certainly been an odd profession for ostensible good guys — as the name implies (“killers” in Spanish), real matadores actually slay a live bull in each fight.

It’s a wonder the burger chains sponsoring WWE ever put up with that sort of barbarity!

This time around, the Colóns were heels, so they needed a profession even more unethical than bullfighter: timeshare salesmen.

But first, WWE would lay the groundwork with a series of vignettes.

During Raw, the duo of Primo & Epico would tell viewers how great Puerto Rico was — its beaches, its food, its night life — and how you should visit some time.

Those bastards!

As the vignettes continued, it got harder to figure out why we should hate the Colón cousins and their tourism ads. Were we supposed to object to their choice of tropical vacation spots?

Shining Stars
“It’s Hawaii or nothing, pal!”

Were we supposed to be annoyed that they were wasting TV time? If so, I had bad news about the other 45 minutes of ads each Raw.

Actually, have the Colóns re-enact these commercials verbatim and they’d be the #1 heels

After weeks of ads for Puerto Rico, the “Shining Star of the Caribbean”…

…Primo & Epico made their re-debut, calling themselves, well, “The Shining Stars”.

While the Shining Stars made easy work of the local jobbers…

(with their finisher, called — what else? — the Shining Star)

…fans still weren’t sure what to make of Primo & Epico.

The fans’ total ambivalence called for drastic measures — namely, two more months of commercials.

Without the time or money to shoot in Puerto Rico again, the Shining Stars stood in front of a green screen to teach the WWE Universe the healing properties of hibiscus

…which can ease anxiety and depression while lowering cholesterol.

At home, WWE hoped, Raw viewers seethed. Had these statements even been evaluated by the FDA?!

The Shiners also plugged Puerto Rico’s Mosquito Bay in the first wrestling promo to feature the word, “bioluminescence”. They should still consider changing that name, though.

Eventually, the Shining Stars made their game plan clear. In an ad for their resort, the Shining Star…

Where had I heard that name before?

…Primo & Epico offered viewers timeshares, which they could read all about on their Facebook page.

That’s even worse than selling Amway products

Soon, the Shining Stars were pitching their properties to the WWE Superstars. Enzo and Cass weren’t biting…

…nor was Mr. Bob Backlund.

But R-Truth was curious…

…and eventually got a deal on a 1/12th timeshare. He and Goldust could spend a month there every year, in exchange for their spot at Survivor Series.

On closer inspection, discovered Goldust, the property didn’t even have a roof. Even worse, once R-Truth was gone, Little Jimmy would be stuck with it.

That 20-man Survivor Series bout ended up as the Shining Stars’ highest-profile match. It seems the Shining Stars themselves had a 1/12th timeshare of the WWE Network, appearing on PPV only one month per year.

Ultimately, the gimmick of wrestling timeshare salesmen failed to rile up viewers the way WWE had hoped. Maybe we’d drunk too much hibiscus.

Not even the Shining Stars’ expansion into other scams, like knockoff Rolexes or a daytime drive-in theater, could keep their business venture afloat.

In spring 2017, Primo & Epico were upgraded from an enhancement team with a bad gimmick…

…to an enhancement team with no gimmick, a station they occupied until their release in 2020.

The question remains: What poor sap in WWE Creative bought a timeshare and tried to vent his frustrations through the Primo and Epico?

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