So I posted a question to all my friends on Facebook the other day: does anyone remember The People’s Court? It was a TV staple for years, one that originally ran from 1981 to 1993, along with a reboot that ran even longer. The reason I asked was simple – I’ve had this pro wrestling episode of it on my desktop for about two years. I think I kept putting it off thinking that nobody would have a clue what it was besides a crusty old codger like myself. Shockingly, the overwhelming response was that it wasn’t only remembered, it was, dare I say, adored? So yeah, if you see this and are baffled at why it’s being posted, blame the folks over on old man social media who follow me.
The premise of the show was straightforward: two parties decide that things have gone very badly between them, generally some type of business arrangement. Unable to solve the situation on their own, they take each other to court. Not just that, they also decide they’d be totally fine with said court case being televised. Simple yet brilliant. And as you can surmise, today’s case is going to feature two pro wrestlers suing each other.
First, let’s meet the plaintiff: Titanic Tony. He attempted to learn the art of pro wrestling at a school, and it went horrifically awry, with him noting he paid out oodles of cash (well, if you consider $600 an oodle) and learned absolutely nothing. In fact, he was subjected to beatings in the ring and wound up as his ‘trainer’s’ FLUNKY. Scoff if you will at him entering the courtroom in his airbrushed t-shirt and cute little sailor cap, but he means business. Seriously, look at him shuffling those papers! So he’s suing to get back that $600 that he spent in good faith.
And this would be our defendant, Jack Martin, aka The Behemoth. He also shambles into the court in full garb as the narrator explains to us his background: third generation wrestler, who just so happens to be the grandson of Haystacks Calhoun and also the nephew of Gorgeous George. Somewhere I can picture Dave Meltzer going off on a 20 minute monologue on Observer Radio about all the ways this could not possibly be true as Bryan facepalms and tries to come up with a way to interrupt him. Anyway, he says Tony wouldn’t listen and had a giant ego. He’s also filing a countersuit for $900, which would be the balance due for the training.
All rise, as it’s time to meet our judge, The Honorable Edward I. Koch! Sadly this was past the point the Judge Wapner had retired, so the show looked to bring on someone who could get some eyeballs. According to the ever accurate Wikipedia, Koch was the first elected mayor of New York City, and was generally well liked, as he would sometimes just stand out on street corners and ask folks “How’m I doin’?” No idea if that’s fact or fiction, but I think we’d all agree the world would be a better place if elected officials just hung out polling random passerbys with colloquialisms like that.
Tony goes first, and he explains that in June, he put down $300 to start his training, and threw another $300 on the pile later as this was his lifelong dream. But despite this, the training never took place, as Behemoth always had an excuse not to be there. For instance, one time he was having a tooth taken out. So he never got even a lick of training.
At this point, Behemoth chimes in and tells us exact dates when the training DID take place. And you know you can trust this guy, because he has a manager right beside him and “the heavyweight champion of New York” in his posse as well. I truly hope I never wind up in court, but if I do you can bet your bippy I will force Diamond Dan to show up with me carrying the old Pro Wrestling International strap over his shoulder!
According to Behemoth, said training absolutely happened and included Tony learning psychology as a “ballet”. I think he means VALET, but I’m just reporting what the man said. Tony of course isn’t buying this as actually training, noting instead that he carried the guy’s bags and sold his pictures at the gimmick stand. Not only that, he took a “beatin'” outside the ring!
Having heard the opening statements, Koch wants to get the record set straight: this ‘wrestling’ we see on TV, it’s all, and I am just quoting here, “PHONY BALONEY.” Both sides agree that it’s all about entertainment, and Behemoth offers to show exactly how this whole scam works.
We get a display of punches, forearms to the back, and the worst kicks you will ever witness inside the judicial system. Or pretty much anywhere else for that matter.
After watching this, the judge asks Tony if he wants the Behemoth to do that to him. Tony declines, noting that the defendant sprays himself with Lysol. All of this leads to a rapid fire exchange regarding Behemoth’s BO problem, which ends when Koch eloquently inquires, “When did you first find out that he stinks??”
Throughout the show, we get updates from the SPRYNET WEBPOLL as to who folks think is winning the case. Somehow some way the obese stinky man wearing the dress has a whopping 60% lead in the polls. I also love that it’s an exact 60-40 split, which makes me believe a grand total of ten people were casting votes.
It doesn’t take long for one of those ten to swing their allegiance, as Behemoth explains that he always asks about any prior injuries or ailments that may not allow someone to wrestle, such as heart or back issues. It’s at this point the defendant plays his trump card: Titanic Tony had a previous back surgery which he never disclosed. Tony then admits this, and not only that, tells us his doctor told him he absolutely should not try to be a wrestler. Hearing this, Judge Ed blows his stack: “And you, like a FOOL, want to be trained in this?”
We then get VIDEO EVIDENCE, as the defendant happily provides us a VHS tape. We get to witness a match at what appears to be a county fair, and we see Tony having his shirt lifted up inside the ring to reveal a giant back brace. And maybe no underpants, as his lower half is pixelated out. Ewww.
Koch rightly points out that it appears that there at least had to be some training for Tony to be in the ring in this match. Tony remains steadfast that he wasn’t properly trained at all, and as the graphic noted, “Titanic Tony, like the ship, went down hard!”
Mr. Behemoth, your response? The chyron says it all!
We then get another match, this one at, and I am just quoting here, “a family barbecue.” Behemoth educates us in a couple of carnie terms, include the phase “Pearl Harbor job”. Get this – that would be when you attack someone when they aren’t expecting it. What an education this show is giving!
At this point, Honorable Ed has heard enough from these two clowns, and says, “LET ME HEAR MAMA HERE!” So Tony’s Mom comes up to the stand and explains that her son has done this since he was a kid, and even wrestled his sister. “He used to take my pillow cases and make them into facemasks”, even pantomiming said action to get it over for maximum effect.
This all degenerates and the manager notes that Tony is nothing more than a no down “mark”. Koch requests that term be explained to him. Yes, in a supposed court of law we get an explanation of the wrestling term MARK. Apparently that is someone who likes to watch professional wrestling, one who is obsessed with it and would give up food for it. GIVE UP FOOD FOR IT. Tony simply shrugs and says, “But ain’t that how we all started?”
Despite this vaguely impassioned plea, Tony loses another percentage point with the voters.
Behemoth’s wife pops up next, and she tells us that her husband told Tony he could teach him five basic moves in 24 hours…but it takes months or years to learn it. And he was unwilling to do that. At this point Tony’s mom chimes back in and states bluntly: “They saw my son was a mark and took advantage of him.”
Amazingly such testimony does not swing the poll in her son’s favor. In fact, it’s now a landslide for the defendant.
Before we get the decision, we go to a bunch of randos who are apparently standing outside the court for no good reason. I can only surmise there’s a TV out there showing the proceedings and these folks are completely starved for any type of entertainment and The People’s Court fits the bill. And sadly for poor Tony, this court of public opinion has ruled against him.
At last, it’s time for the Honorable Edward I. Koch’s decision. As expected, he is siding with the defendant. Not only that, but he also rules that Tony’s mom should take him to a psychiatrist. No, I am not making that up. I know people loved Judge Wapner, but I am completely on the Judge Koch bandwagon from now on.
We then get a quick look at the folks in the case. Titanic Tony, heartbroken by losing, has these words for Judge Koch: “That’s not justice – that’s anything but justice.” Poetic. And Behemoth has apparently used the $900 he just won to immediately purchase an eye patch. Seriously, this is the first time the whole show he’s had that!
Outside the court, Tony explains that maybe he is going to give up on his wrestling dream after all. He tells us that he doesn’t agree with what the judge says about a psychiatrist, which causes his mom to grimace and his friend behind him to hide his face as he busts out laughing.
Behemoth and his crew are thrilled with their victory, asking the interviewer, “didn’t the actual Titanic sink the third night out too?” They then all have a great group belly laugh to end the show. Hopefully we all learned something here today, the most important of which would of course be…”don’t take the law into your own hands, take ’em to court!!”