When head writers Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara jumped from the WWF to WCW in the fall of 1999, many expected big changes for WCW and its fortunes. For the masterminds behind the Attitude Era, what WCW needed more than new stars was sex, sex, sex. Not content with just infusing sexual content into the storylines and characters as they had done with Val Venis and the Godfather, the new writers set out to make their own sequel to The Young and The Wrestling, complete with simulated sex acts in the ring.
And who better to do it than forty-somethings Scott Hall and Kevin Nash?
|The Outsiders, after a night of partying in Vegas, arrived at Nitro with a cooler full of beer that they planned to polish off backstage. Much to their surprise, an agent informed them that the Powers That Be (Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara) had booked them in a match that night, despite neither man having their gear (and Nash not having underwear). I don’t know why this should have come as a shock to Hall and Nash; was it standard practice for WCW to have unbooked talent show up to live events and just get drunk backstage?|
|As they tried to sober up with coffee, Hall and Nash wondered whom the new “creative team” had scheduled them to “work” against that night. I put those insider terms in quotation marks because they were actually used on air by announcers and The Outsiders, respectively. Edgy!|
|Two and a half hours later, Hall and Nash stepped into the ring and waited for the arrival of their opponents. The Harris Brothers then stood up on the stage as The Outsiders chopped their crotches at them as if to say, “suck it!”|
|And on that note, the twins then introduced Hall and Nash’s real opponents – female adult film stars.|
|Why? The announcers figured it was because the Powers That Be wanted big ratings.|
|So the ladies strolled down to the ring; the first two girls probably had the audience wondering, “Are those breasts real or fake?”|
|The last one had the audience wondering, “Are those breasts?”|
|I mean, they were clearly not real breasts, but were those things even implants, or just water balloons stuffed under her shirt?|
|The woman in question was the adult film actress Minka, owner of the world’s second-largest pair of breast implants (WCW couldn’t be #1 in anything at this point). The Jushin Liger of porn stars, Minka holds two Super J Cups.|
|The Outsiders stood in awe of the three women as if they were the hottest thing since unsliced bread (which retains heat slightly better than sliced bread). In fact, two of the women were objectively no more attractive than Nitro regulars like Torrie Wilson and Kimberly Page, and one of them was objectively no more attractive than this stick of balloons.|
|After some mock warm-ups, the bell rang to begin the first-ever intergender, professional-wrestlers-versus-professional-sexers match, pitting The Outsiders against The Inside ’ers.|
|At first, Hall and Nash had no idea what to do with their opponents, who countered them at every turn. For instance, one of them blocked an attempted collar-and-elbow tie-up by nearly poking Hall’s eyes out.|
|Finally, the boys figured out a strategy — get molested.|
|First, there was this unique headlock by a woman who had finished off more men than Ed “Strangler” Lewis.|
|After basking in the afterglow…|
|…Hall was repeatedly rammed in the face with the actress’s nether-regions…|
|…which he sold like he’d been hit by a car .|
|After just a few weeks on the job, Russo and Ferrara had managed to take professional wrestling to new lows. Sure, X-Pac had been doing his Bronco Buster for ages by then, but this time the “victim” was enjoying his opponent smashing their genitals into his face, which, in the wrestling world, makes it worse, somehow.|
|Porn star #1 spanked Scott Hall as the announcers giddily exclaimed how big their ratings would be. After all, who wouldn’t want to see Scott Hall get his rocks off in the middle of the ring?|
|I mean, once we heard that the Outsiders didn’t have their ring gear, we had already figured they would simply come in their pants, but this was ridiculous. The whole thing seemed like a bizarre softcore porn film — one starring Kevin Nash and Scott Hall.|
|(Which isn’t as far-fetched as it sounds)|
|Nash, looking like the ring was his own personal glory-hole, signaled for the hot tag and, after making the exchange with Hall, somehow managed to step over the top rope in his current state without injuring himself.|
|Nash’s momentum would be short-lived, however, as he would be distracted by the unofficial third woman on the ring apron. After very carefully entering the ring through the ropes, Minka looked like she was going to reveal the biggest bust since Master P and the No-Limit Soldiers.|
|Nash was mesmerized and pantomimed for the woman to take off her top, but she wouldn’t do it unless The Outsiders took a dive.|
|Thus, in a scene reminiscent of the Finger Poke of Doom (which is an infamous WCW angle and not a porno), Nash lay down, followed by Hall, as the two more mobile women of the bunch covered them for the three-count.|
|After the bell, Nash popped up, so to speak, and eagerly awaited the unveiling of Minka’s playthings, each of which held 4 liters, making them slightly larger than the gallon-containers of milk you buy at the grocery store. Yes, you could actually call them, “jugs,” and it would still be an understatement.|
|So Nash waited. And waited. And still, Minka wouldn’t deliver the goods. I don’t think this was a striptease or an attempt to stall; I really think she physically could not pull her shirt over those things. Basketballs don’t hold grudges, and WCW shirts shouldn’t hold basketballs.|
|Finally, Goldberg ran in and speared both Outsiders to end a segment that, despite being billed as Russo-booked, felt like it was written by Hall and Nash themselves (minus the part where they jobbed).|
From WWE’s Hot Lesbian Action to TNA’s mud-wrestling match with the Beautiful People, there are few things more insulting than when a wrestling show openly celebrates that it is doing a meaningless stunt just to get ratings; the audience feels like suckers for being manipulated so easily by a cynical ploy.
The Russo-Ferrara team would soon get canned, and for good reason. When it comes to wrestling matches, fans know that they’re not real, but they want to at least be able to suspend disbelief and pretend that they are. Matches like these didn’t even attempt to be the genuine article and instead tastelessly waved their fakeness in the audience’s face.
Don’t you hate it when people do that?