The Kiss That Never Happened

The Kiss That Never Happened

By golly, is Halloween really this Friday??? How the heck did it sneak up on me like this? Surely having my gall bladder removed and being laid out the past ten days didn’t have anything to do with it, right? Eh, whatever the reason, Halloween is nearly here! And as we are want to do ’round these parts, we like to hunt down something to celebrate the holiday.

Fortunately, pro wrestling has long been a treasure trove of October 31 crap. I mean, WCW used to have an annual event proclaiming their love for it in the form of Halloween Havoc, and it was not at all uncommon you’d get craptacular moments there like Chamber of Horrors and phony Stings (all of which you can read about in the WrestleCrap archives, available here). While WWE hasn’t gone that far, it generally does supply us with a goofy match here or the Divas dressing up like Little Bo Peep or whatever. With that in mind, I decided to go back to look for an old Raw or SmackDown that took place on Halloween itself, and found one in 2002. Why that’s a scant twelve years ago!

Anyone else feel like going as Methuselah this year?

As I started to go through it, I realized that this episode had not only absurd costumes that I was looking for, but something far more grievous…one of those inductions I’ve always kicked around doing, but never did for whatever reason. But hey, this being Halloween week, why not?

This being the tail end of the legendary Attitude era, we were getting what we generally got any time a holiday was on the calendar: a big fat PARTAY! I remember inducting a WWE Christmas hootenanny from around this era (which you can read about here), and it was a wretched hive of scum and villainy. And booze. Lots and lots of booze!

Time for costume call outs!


Ron Simmons shows up as a pimp with a completely random bear in the background looking on!


Eddie Guerrero is here as Zorro, while Chavo shows up sporting not only a sombrero, but with one hand holding a tequila bottle while the other is shaking a maraca. I guess if you’re going to go stereotype, you may as well blatantly double fist it!


Shannon Moore is here as the devil while Tajiri is John Travolta who is sporting an afro for some reason. I must have missed the part of Saturday Night Fever where Barbarino stepped in for a scene!


Dawn Marie his the scene as the obligatory sexy cop while her date, the erstwhile and not yet deceased Al Wilson, is the Fonz!

Sit on it, cross dressing weirdo I don’t know in front of Dawn!



Mae Young is Marilyn Monroe, while Moolah repurposes one of her moth-infested old wrestling outfits to become Jungle Girl!


Billy Kidman is the Phantom of the Opera as Chuck Palumbo shows up as an injun…


…while Torrie Wilson shows up as a french maid yielding a sword!

The more I see of this party, it’s like Vince just gave some intern $10,000 to buy out a Halloween store and then threw everything the guy brought back onto a table backstage. He then proceed to tell everyone they had 5 seconds to grab whatever they could, with the proviso being that you had to wear whatever wound up in your hands.

Not to sound conceited, but these shows are far more entertaining when I come up with my own story lines.

But the highlight has to be John Cena showing up as, yes…



And he RAPS for your pleasure as well!


The wicked witch of the north shows up wearing an outfit that can only be described as breastacular. And of course, everyone on the roster has to stop in their tracks and gawk at her smoldering nuclear lick your lips and smack your fanny hotness.

ktnh21This with Torrie Wilson, Dawn Marie, and several others in the room. Whatever, you own the company, go ahead and write yourself as the sexiest woman alive. Especially when it’s Halloween; after all, that’s when people pretend to be folks they aren’t.

Hey, that was pretty good.

Where’s Emma Stone when I need her?

Oh, there she is. Thanks, Gwen Stacy!

So yeah, even Vanilla John Cena can’t fathom how blazingly beautimus her royal Stephness is. He finally summons up the courage to rap with her, but she’s not hip to his lingo in a dialogue exchange for the ages.

Flustered, John Cena, again, yes, THAT John Cena, hangs his head in shame, knowing he’ll never find anyone that hot ever again. (Untrue.)

Having sufficiently shot down the man who would be atop her company for the next 12 years, Steph sultrily slinks back to her office and finds…


…her father, Vince McMahon!

Again, if I were writing my own storyline, he’d take off his mask to reveal himself to be Vince McMahon. Sadly, that doesn’t happen as instead we get…


…Eric Bischoff!

While Vince would have been better, I do have to ask…what was it with Bischoff’s mask fetish?

Remember this?

No WrestleCrap there; THAT was awesome. Even the goofs in the Mystery Mobile didn’t see that one coming.

I digress. So Eric and Steph bicker a bit, which leads to her throwing a haymaker at Easy E. But he blocks it, and goes in for a big ol’ smoocheroo!

And by George, Stephers liked it!!!!

Until they both realized what they’d done!

Emotions are ROLLING here, and it is FANTASTIC.

What has happened here?

What have we done?

What will Vince say?

What with HuntOr say?

What on earth have we done?

For all I mock her, I will say that Steph was awesome in the aftermath of this; she looked equal parts humiliated, aroused, and knowing that she was in some deep, DEEP trouble. Bischoff was really good too, but give the devil her due. This was arguably her best work.

Especially at the end where her emotions settled on being a blow up doll.

For once, I couldn’t WAIT to see what happened next. This was an atomic explosion waiting to go off, and it was going to happen all for our amusement on WWE television.

So of course, nothing happened.

And when I say nothing, I mean literally NOTHING. The writing team was told to pretend that this scene never took place and it was dropped without ever being referenced again.

Eh, at least they’ll always have that kiss.

It’s more than poor John Cena ever got.

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