I think I speak for nearly every late 80’s, early 90’s wrestling fan when I say, “God bless those old Coliseum videos.” Long before WWE 24/7, DVD releases, and heck, even monthly PPVs, all us marks could do “back in the day” to get our wrestling fix was to head to the local video store and see what Coliseum Video, the folks who handled the WWF video releases prior to Vince & Co. taking it in house, had in store for us.
Now to be sure, a lot of those old tapes sucked. For every tape with a Randy Savage vs. Ricky Steamboat match on it, you’d get 90 minutes of the best of Hillbilly Jim or God save you, The Ken Patera Story. But since it really was the only avenue for getting any kind of wrestling footage, you took what you could get.
Sometimes, and actually in the later years of Coliseum releases, MOST times, you got both good and bad in the same package. A prime example would be the release of a tape that contained one of the first Bret Hart versus Ric Flair matches and simultaneously also featured Sean Mooney and Lord Alfred Hayes pretending to be Captain Kirk and Scotty. (Oh, and in a bit of irony, the tape was called “Invasion 92”, which is further proof, as if you needed it, that WWF could never get an Invasion right.)
Anyway, the point here is that in addition to the matches, you’d get wacky personality profiles of wrestlers “just being themselves.” One tape had Mr. Perfect searching for the perfect stamp, while another had Hillbilly Jim molesting his old bloodhound.
Those profiles may have varied, but at the end of the day it was kinda like the prize in a box of Cracker Jack: you never knew what, exactly, you might get, but you could rest assured that it was gonna blow.
All of which leads us to today’s induction:
If it includes balloons or clowns or Cookie Puss cakes, count me out!
Hey – that guy’s not the Berserker! No, friends, that would be our favorite Norseman’s manager, Mr. Fuji.
The Devious One explains that the two of them are going to explain how you too can throw a very special party.
Or as Fuji says, “potty.”
How appropriate!
Step one: the invitations.
Whoa whoa whoa, slow down there!
I need to write all this down!
It is explained that you need these, elsewise how would anyone know that they need to show up for your big event?
While the standard modus opperandi would seem to be simply mailing out cards, Berserker has other ideas: namely, throwing passersby on his big beefy shoulders and hauling them to his shindig.
Well, at least that way you can be sure that no one will welch on their RSVP.
Sure, you can drag folks out to your hootenany (and in this case, that would be what our hero quite literally did), but what are they going to do when they get there?
Glad you asked!
Berserker’s solution:
NOISEMAKERS!
Sadly, everyone’s favorite Scandanavian grappler is unable to make them work, so he just eats them instead.
And no, that wasn’t my lame attempt at comedy; you can blame that one on someone in WWF creative, circa 1992.
Correctly assuming that most guests would not wish to have blow toys as hors d’œuvres, Fuji and his charge decide to make a slightly more typical treat:
Finger sandwiches!
Using his mighty sword to lop the lid off the peanut butter, our hero then shoves his fingers in the jar and spreads the nutty goo onto the bread.
See, he used his fingers to make the sandwiches…thus, they are FINGER SANDWICHES!
GET IT?!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!
Eh, shoot me now.
And that’s it.
Well, aside from the fact that Berserker finally figured out how to blow his noisemaker, much to Mr. Fuji’s delight.
Ok, I’ve gotta say something here. When I saw this:
I had all these grandiose visions in my head. I mean, just take a look at these two:
You’ve got a guy who thinks he’s a freaking Viking – with sword and giant horned hat, no less! – and Charlie Chan’s evil twin. Let’s get real: if anybody on this stinking blue and green sphere we call home would know how to throw a bash, you’d think it would be these two.
Finger sandwiches? Right. Ain’t no way that’s what these guys would be downing. In fact, I dare say they wouldn’t eat at all, preferring instead to take their nourishment in a very different oral form:
Am I right? Seriously, look at those two. What do you think they REALLY did more often? Gulp down Wonder Bread and Jif and puff away on a blunt that would make Cheech and Chong jealous?
And that crap about blowing on noisemakers for entertainment? Get real. You can bet that when these two decided to rock this town, they didn’t spend their singles at the local Party Supply, but rather at the local STRIP JOINT.
Why I can just picture it now…
In fact, I’ll go one further than that.
If these two were really feeling it, if they were cranking it up, in the mood to rock and roll all night and party every day, why I’ve got just four words for ya:
To be honest, guys, that’s not the way we like to play “Pin the Tail on the Donkey!”
Anyway, alls I can say is that you kids today are totally missing out by not having a Coliseum Video presenting modern versions of those segments.
Randy Orton’s Guide to hotel room etiquette, anyone?
– Mr. Fuji: “HAHAHAHA! Oh you Coliseum video fans. Me and Berserker have something very special for you! Berserker and I will show you how to throw a very special potty…that’s right, POTTY!”