From the Wrestling Observer.com update following WrestleMania this past April:
“Some notes from the WrestleMania post-game party at the Sheraton Universal Hotel…Vince McMahon was talking with everyone. Christy Hemme appeared to be trying to apologize for her match but Vince told her it was cool.”
It seems that, despite very clear evidence to the contrary on a recent Howard Stern Show, Christy Hemme is not, in fact, the dumbest person walking the planet. She was, after all, smart enough to realize that the suckfest she put on with Trish Stratus at WrestleMania may not have been ground to get her fired, but was likely enough to exile her for months to Louisville, Kentucky.
Because that’s exactly what happened to the last person that Trish couldn’t carry past negative stars.
Before I continue, a word of explanation. As a rule, I try not to induct matches here at the site just because they are filled with botched spots. The reasons for this are many. Quite frankly, most of the time I simply don’t find a lot of potential humor just waiting to be mined out of such events. Sure, they can be funny to watch, but trying to explain why, exactly, things went so awry would tend to be a little dry I think. Besides, anyone can have an off night.
But in this case, I must make an exception. For when a match has become so storied as to be the match that all other horrible matches are judged against, well kids, that’s WrestleCrap.
The match in question? Bradshaw and Trish Stratus against Christoper Nowinski and Jackie Gayda, from the July 8, 2002 edition of Raw.
Anyone who paid witness to this match will remember it. It’s impossible to forget. When see a semi truck slammed into the side of a Yugo, it’s a vision of catastrophe so severe that it simply won’t leave your brain, no matter how hard you try.
That was this match.
And here’s the thing – it’s not like WWE didn’t know this was likely going to be a stinkfest. Hell, even good ol’ JR had a sense of foreboding, fearing the faeces that his company was about to shove down the orbital sockets of fans watching at home.
“These youngsters will make a lot of mistakes.” – JR channels the spirit of Gary Spivey
Nowinski and Bradshaw started out the contest. That doesn’t sound promising, and in fact, it wasn’t. But it was as good as we were going to see this evening. Rest assured, I never thought I’d write the sentence, “Bradshaw and Nowinski trading football tackles was the highlight of the match”, but here we are and there it is.
Because soon enough, the tag was made to Miss Jackie…and the wheels fell off the wagon.
No, scratch that – the wheels fell off, the car caught fire, then crashed into a bus full of nuns holding babies.
Yep, that’s more accurate.
You know, I almost felt pity for the poor girl as she came into the ring. She looked so confused, so baffled by what was taking place around her…as though she was on some remote planet where everyone spoke through their nostrils. She was out of her element…and now she had to perform.
It was obvious that Trish knew she had to keep things very, very simple. Therefore, the two traded clotheslines. So far, so good.
Jackie stumbled backwards toward the ropes, and Trish came running at her full bore. What, exactly, Trish was hoping to accomplish we will never know, as Jackie side-stepped her, causing Trish to run right into the ropes. Trish bounced on the bottom rope, trying to come up with some way to salvage things. Jackie responded by staring blankly at Trish’s ass.
I’m sure that’s something we’ve all done from time to time, but not probably during the midst of a match.
At this point, it was fairly obvious to everyone in the crowd (who had taken to booing quite mightily) that things were truly amiss. Even Bradshaw and Nowinski seemed to want to get the hell out of dodge, and did so as the two chased each other into the crowd.
That left the girls in there to try to finish things up…and dear LORD what a mess it turned into from that point. Jackie continued to botch spots, to the point that Trish, perched on the second turnbuckle, was practically yelling for Jackie “COME OVER HERE STUPID!” Finally, she did, and Trish threw her down to the canvas, setting her up mid-ring for a top rope bulldog.
Well, that was the PLAN anyway. What happened instead was this:
– Jackie wandered to the middle of the ring, looking around, totally confused.
– She spotted Trish on the turnbuckles, and decided to counter the potential attack by turning her back to Trish
– Trish leaped into the air, reaching out for Jackie’s head
– Trish fell to the ground as though she had completed the bulldog
– Jackie, OTOH, stood there like a redwood tree
– A second or so later, upon seeing Trish on the ground, Jackie remembered what she was supposed to do, then collapsed to the ground as though she’d been shot by a bazooka
– Trish covered her for the pin, as JR did his best to apologize to fans at home
All in all, it looked something like this:
You could almost see the rage in Trish’s eyes. Totally disgusted, she muttered something to the referee who quickly raised her hand. Trish couldn’t have got out of the ring any faster if she was propelled by a cannon.
Following this debacle, it was obvious to everyone that no matter how hot Jackie might be, she had absolutely no clue what she was doing. She was quickly shuttled back down for more training at the very capable hands of Jim Cornette and Ohio Valley Wrestling. She came back several months later, resurfacing with no longer boring Lance Storm, and had her most famous moment:
Well, at least she found something she could do right.
The thing is, Christy already played that card, and Jackie was shown the door earlier this year.
Jim Ross: “Christopher Nowinski and Jackie Gayda are both products of the Tough Enough franchise. Both are outstanding in-ring competitors, both are very young, they’re going to make a lot of mistakes. They’re green as they say.”
Jim Ross (trying to cover the booing of the crowd): “Trish with a handful of hair, she hooks the leg. Mercifully, it’s over.”