The Texas Chain Saw Massacre Deathmatch

The August 16th, 2023 edition of AEW Dynamite was a busy one. In an unfortunate case of double-booking, Tony Khan had agreed to promote the upcoming Texas Chain Saw Massacre video game on the same night as AEW’s fifth annual Fight for the Fallen charity show.

Though not quite as ironic as Domino’s Pizza Cutter-gate or American Red Cross presents: Blood & Guts, it would still be a challenging piece of corporate synergy. How does one reconcile the missions of helping people and brutally hacking them to bits?

Luckily, there was one man to do it: a hometown boy named Jeff Jarrett…

…who promised to bring Leatherface himself to Nashville to raise both hell and money for the Maui wildfire victims.

The occasion: the first-ever Texas Chain Saw Massacre Deathmatch, pitting Jarrett against Jeff Hardy.

The match got off to a rip-roaring start when Jeff Hardy entered the ring, then wandered backstage chanting his own last name.

The arena hallways, illuminated only by red floor lights, proved a poor choice for the site of a wrestling match.

While Jeff sized up a selection of farm implements on the wall, he was blindsided by Jeff (his opponent). I’d better just say “Hardy” or “Jarrett” from now on.

Jarrett’s weapon of choice: a set of bones.

But Hardy quickly wrestled the weapon away, and it was his turn to jump Jarrett’s bones.

(I think I’m using that phrase correctly)

As Hardy brawled with Jarrett, he was attacked by Jarrett. That is, Karen, who soon wielded the bones herself.

But Hardy scared her off by brandishing that most deadly and gruesome of weapons, a crutch.

Jeez, Brother Nero. I know you had to win the match, but you also had to look at yourself in the mirror then next day.

Hardy whacked Jeff Jarrett with the crutch before being accosted by a 7’2” giant in overalls. Bad lighting or not, this was obviously Silo Sam.

Soon, Hardy’s entourage intervened, at which point the match really fell apart. And clearly, it had been pretty awful to begin with.

Texas Chain Saw Massacre

As Hardy, Ethan Page, and Isiah Cassidy brawled with Satnam Singh and Jeff Jarrett, Matt Hardy dumped a bucket of fake blood on the Jarretts. It may have been barbecue sauce.

As Double J and Karen sat there looking like a Buffalo Wild Wings plate waiting to be bused…

…Jeff Hardy kicked Jeff Jarrett right in the face.

“Live Round Jones!” said Taz.

Jarrett walked away like nothing had happened, but he was clearly disoriented.

This might explain why the Jarretts fled in one direction, then doubled back right into the action so they could get walk down the right corridor.

But it doesn’t explain why the Hardy crew parted like the Red Sea to let them pass, only to chase after them (slowly).

Jeff and Karen crept away a bloody mess as AEW Dynamite went to commercial.

Speaking of bloody messes, TBS aired a commercial for an ulcerative colitis drug that sounded exceedingly more dangerous than the match. This might sound unbelievable to viewers outside the US, but ads (adverts) like this are commonplace.

My favorite part was either this conversation the lady had with herself in the mirror…

(Note: Despite what these ads suggest, Americans rarely use the phrase, “moderate to severe ulcerative colitis” in casual conversation)

…or the warning of the “increased risk of PML…”

The way Karen Jarrett was screaming, I bet she was having some PML, am I right?

“…a rare brain infection that usually leads to death or severe disability.”

And for the opposite end of the spectrum, the network also aired a commercial for Dulcolax.

For those hoping to follow along with the Texas Chain Saw Massacre Deathmatch during the commercial, TBS was gracious enough to allow picture-in-picture…

…but AEW was not gracious enough to let you see what the hell was going on.

When the Texas Chain Saw Massacre Deathmatch returned, Jeff Hardy jumped onto a crowd of people that now included Jay Lethal and Sonjay Dutt.

“This is one of the most bizarre matches we have ever seen in AEW”, declared Excalibur.

Taz joined in with apparent sarcasm. “Yes. Yes, I agree, bizarre. That’s the word. That is the word.”

Tony Schiavone then chimed in to say it might even be more “bizarre” than some of the matches he called in WCW.

At long last, the action spilled onto the stage, meaning for the first time the fans in attendance — and the viewers at home — could actually see it.

The Jeffs battled between the big screens, one advertising a charity and the other, the Texas Chain Saw Massacre video game…

…before the rest of the crew made their way onto the ramp. By now, the match featured two Jarretts, two Hardys, and two Jeffs. If Adam Cole and Adam Page had joined Ethan Page, I’d just give up trying to write about this match.

After smoke began billowing from under the ring for no discernible reason…

(RVD was at home)

..the Hardy guys surrounded Jarrett…

…who rolled onto a table like this was Smackdown! 2: Know Your Role.

Hardy landed the Swanton Bomb, but Jay Lethal saved Jarrett from the ensuing pin. Contrary to the name, “Texas Chain Saw Massacre Deathmatch”, this was not, in fact, a Texas Deathmatch, so standard pinfall rules applied.

Chaos ensued as the two stables battled in the ring. Ethan Page got the worst of it, catching a Sonjay Dutt boot to the groin.

“Yam Bag City!” said Taz. That, I believe, was the town where the Texas Chain Saw Massacre took place.

Speaking of which, this entire match was a tasteless glorification of Leatherface and a slap in the face to his real-life victims’ families.

But better a slap in the face than a punch to the yam bag…

…which Karen Jarrett soon delivered to Matt Hardy.

It was now time for the coup de grace with a Double J guitar…

…decorated with Darth Maul in drag makeup. But Jeff Hardy intercepted it and smashed his opponent with it.

Before Hardy could pin Jarrett, though, the buzz of a chainsaw played over the PA. As Jeff Jarrett had promised, Leatherface arrived.

Since the wrestler named Leatherface, Michael “Corporal Kirchner” Penzel”, had passed away a few years earlier…

…fans were asked to believe this was the real Leatherface from the fictional 1974 movie*.

*It turns out I was wrong, and the Texas Chain Saw Massacre didn’t actually happen. But the fact that it could have happened says a lot about society

He looked more like Tony Khan, frankly.

But it proved a mistake to invite the homicidal lunatic, who instead merely chased Jarrett’s wife up the ramp with his unconvincing chainsaw-flailing.

It also proved inconsequential, as Jarrett won the match anyway thanks to Lethal and Satnam Singh.

The undeserving Jeff Jarrett thus walked away with the prestigious Texas Chain Saw Massacre Deathmatch title belt.

Well that was something!” said Taz, hoping to move on to the next segment as quickly as possible.

Excalibur nearly cracked up reading the ad copy for the Texas Chain Saw Massacre video game — the impetus for this stupid match — and no one spoke of the Texas Chain Saw Massacre Deathmatch again.

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