I always kinda shake my head when I see signs in the crowds or post on the interwebs telling companies they need to book women better. It’s not that I don’t think the ladies in wrestling deserve the very best storylines, nor do I think they should have their time limited. No, all I can think is their booking is lightyears beyond anything we’ve seen in our lifetimes (in the US, at least). I saw way too many horrific Fabulous Moolah matches in the 80s and bra and panties hoo ha nonsense in the 90s, so when I compare even some of the lower tier acts on the main rosters currenty, I think we should all be at least a little thankful for where we are today.
I mean, when’s the last time you saw a bed in the middle of a wrestling ring and the women had to wrestle around it? Because that’s what we’re talking about in this here INDUCTION.
See, here’s Stacy Keibler coming to the ring in a bathrobe, carrying a pillow no less, for this epic lingerie pillow fight. Just look at those fans in the crowd – they ain’t asking for better booking! They’re here to see Stacy (and her puppies I think it says in the tiniest text you’ve ever seen), while the other person can’t wait to let the world know she does it til she’s raw. At least I think that’s a woman holding that sign. Maybe not. Regardless, while I am not entirely sure what that means, I do know it’s far too much information that my eyeballs never needed to see.
And sure, Stacy was easy on the eyes. But that’s what these ‘matches’ were all about – eye candy to pop the crowd. Or make them Raw I guess.
Her opponent this evening would be an old pro in matches like these, Terri. I always liked her, even back to her days as Marlena or as Alexandra York in WCW. Here’s to hoping she remembers her roots and pulls out an IBM Thinkpad 300 and waylays Stacy with it.
referee perv for this evening would of course be none other than Jerry Lawler. Knowing just what was on the line here, Stacy goes to proposition The King in an attempt to sway him to call the match in her favor, so Jerry immediately…
…hops on the bed. Oh, and then Stacy spreads his legs. I think I know what is being hinted at here. Unfortunately for Jerry, Terri wacks here in the back of the head with a teddy bear. Mad props here to Stacy for SELLING A TEDDY BEAR. Somewhere, Dave Meltzer sheds a tear I am sure.
Terri then jumps up and down on the bed like a four year old who just washed down a plate of Oreos with a bottle of Nesquik. She then pulls up Stacy’s outfit and spanks her butt. This just in: 2000s era WWE was anything but subtle.
Stacy mounts a fiery comeback, bouncing Terri’s head against the mat like a basketball before attempting to smother her with another stuffed animal. One ponders if they called this in the ring or had the entire thing scripted out by agents ahead of time. Hoping it’s the latter, as I’d love to see the format sheet reading “grab white bear toy, completely cover Terri’s face with it as she flails her legs like she’s on a bicycle for the first time and has zero idea how to get it to move.”
Stacy then leaves the ring and checks under the the apron for…something. She then just gives up. I hope that was also on the format sheet: “look under the ring on one side, then the other, find nothing, look as dumb as you possibly can.”
Back in the ring we go, as Stacy picks up Terri and body slams her on the bed. Shades of Hogan-Andre at WrestleMania III right there. Hopefully Stacy didn’t pull every muscle in her back like the Hulkster did!
Deciding it’s time to go for the kill, Stacy grabs a nearby clock and stuffs it in the pillow case. Apparently they’ve invaded the Boogeyman’s bedroom. Stacy takes a wild swing, but Terri springs off the mattress before bouncing off with a shotgun drop kick. (And don’t tell me you can’t hear Excalibur bellowing that phrase out right there!)
Terri goes for…something…on the top rope, only for Stacy to catch her and hang her upside down. She then fumbles backwards as Lawler attempts to look up her gown. This causes Stacy to fall backwards onto the bed with Terri on top. The King helps to put the girls into position then counts three on the mattress.
Enraged at her bitter defeat, Stacy grabs a bucket of tar from under the ring (why would that be there???) and dumps it all over her. She then rips open a pillow and sends feathers flying everywhere, as she successfully TARS AND FEATHERS her hapless foe. Yes kids, this feud MUST CONTINUE. But that doesn’t mean this induction is – hunt down their follow up matches if you want, I think I’ve seen enough!