As you may or may not have heard, WWE is planning on releasing a three disc anthology of their entrance music this fall. While the set will no doubt thrill fans who have longed to jam the themes of such WrestleCrap alumni as Los Boricuas, Brother Love, and “Real Man’s Man” Steven Regal, one has to question why WWE didn’t include some of their newly acquired WCW theme music.
Of course, if you ever have the displeasure of listening to WCW Slam Jam, Volume 1, you’d have your answer.
In the early 90’s, after seeing the WWF achieve moderate success with the Wrestling Album and Piledriver, WCW decided to release a tape of their entrance music as well. The only problem was that most of the wrestlers they had under contract either had no entrance music or had really generic themes. Therefore, new themes were created for 11 of their top acts.
Now usually, this is where I would wise off and say, “And they all sucked.”
But, truth be known, they didn’t. Ok, most of them did, but there were a couple that were actually quite good. “Ravishing” Rick Rude’s theme, for example, kicked the crap out of his WWF intro music. It even had a nifty kick at the beginning, which would serve to alert fans immediately who was about to enter the arena.
There was also Man Called Sting, which accompanied every trip the Stinger took to the ring for many, MANY years. To this day, when I think of Sting, I think of his catchy theme.
But other than that, yeah, this thing really, REALLY sucked.
You know what else sucked? The “Making Of” video. Hell, I didn’t even know it existed until WrestleCrap Loyal Alfonzo Tyson sent it my way.
Now before you start sending all kinds of email to Bill Brown requesting this atrocity, let your ol’ Uncle RD explain something to you. This is, without question, the most boring piece of film I have ever seen in my life.
Think I’m kidding? Take a look at the image to the left. Now stare at that for like 20 minutes straight.
That’s what the Making Of video is all about. There’s no commentary, no videos, nothing. Just hours upon hours of footage of studio musicians attempting to make sense of the lyrics they are asked to sing.
Sound fun?
It’s not!
But let’s get back to the music. Johnny B. Badd‘s theme served to make him sound even more flamboyant than his lipstick and feathered boas…
…while Cactus Jack’s anthem informed us that not only did he have no family, he also didn’t belong to any teams or gangs. Oh, and he was better known as Mr. Bang Bang.
To whom, I am not quite sure.
By far the worst track from a musical standpoint, Mr. Bang Bang sounded like a B-side to a Pancreas Joe and the Eskimo Leftists 45 (and my undying admiration to ANYONE who gets that reference).
Here a young Chris Rock belts out the killer (as in whoever wrote it should be assassinated) Ron Simmons theme, Don’t Step To Ron.
I don’t have a clue what the hell that means, but it sounds like good advice to me. Last thing you want is to get knocked on your “rump.”
Remember that awesome song by Michael Hayes, Badstreet USA?
Well, that’s not on here either.
In its place is the Lynyrd Skynyrd rip-off Freebird Forever, which no doubt caused Ronnie Van Zant to spin in his grave.
Still, a lot of talented musicians were on this album.
Yeah, right.
Check out the geek to the right. Is he playing the guitar or doing the Pee-Pee Dance?
And I’m not saying this guy on the left is a pantywaist or anything, but if he were in a battle royal with John Tesh, Barry Manilow, Christopher Cross, and the surviving members of Bread, he would so get his ass kicked.
Which makes sense, as his song, Family Man (poor Ricky Steamboat), is so wimpy that it makes the Hall and Oates tune of the same name sound like something from the Metallica archives.
What else? Well, there’s a bunch of other crap on here, but I don’t have all night, so let’s just run through it.
Jake Roberts has a theme on here. Maybe he heard it, and that’s why he only had ONE FREAKIN’ MATCH before he high tailed it out of WCW forever.
Dustin Rhodes’ The Natural wins “Least Creative Rhyme” as the composer actually paired up “Son” with “Son”. It’s a rhyming dictionary, guys – look into it.
Speaking of rhyming, how about “fun” and “Windham”? That’s what He’s Smokin’ is all about. Poor Barry – doesn’t he know Tobacco is Wacko?
Finally, we get Steinerized, a tribute to The Steiner Brothers. This has so many college references in it one has to wonder if it was written by good ol JR.
And that’s it. If you hunt this turd down, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Woman who sounds kinda like Tina Turner: “He’s Simply Ravishing, Ravishing / ain’t nobody’s fool / the girls go crazy they don’t know what to do / he’ll steal your girl, break her heart, leave you the fool / he’s simply ravishing, dazzling, ravishing Rude / his abs are chiseled, all in a row / you’d think he was sculptured by Mike Angelo”
Before you write me, yes, I know it’s supposed to be Michelangelo, but that’s not how she sings it. And what’s the deal with his abs all being in a row? Isn’t that how everyone’s are? Or do some people have one ab on their stomach and the next down by their ankle?
Same woman: “He’s Simply Ravishing, OWWWW!”
Same Woman (I Think): “And all the kids, they go wild / and all the old people start to act like a child / don’t you dare cross him, or get in his way / cause if you don you’re gonna have to pay / to the man called Sting / man called Sting”
Some dude singing: “Here comes Johnny B. Badd / And You don’t want to make him mad / he looks pretty as a picture / he looks just like Little Richard”
Wow, what a claim to fame.
Same guy, attempting to disguise his voice: “He’s as strange as a man can be / he ain’t got no family / a long career is not expected / he’s not on a team or a member of a gang / he’s Cactus Jack, better known as Mr. Bang Bang”
Rap sensation Ton Def : “Get in the ring chump and let’s THUMP / a couple of blows are gonna put you on your RUMP / chop chop bam then a left right left then a kick and a pin to the 1-2-3 then it’s over with / so give that bell a whack / I’m gonna put this man on his back / you made a mistake when you stepped to Ron”
Michael Hayes: “I’m a Freebird Forever / you can’t change me, no not never”
Wimp: “I’m not saying that women don’t fall all over him / but he don’t give in / he’s a family man! / he’s a guy with values, he’s a family man / loves his wife and son and does the best he can”
Some Poison reject: “Jake the Snake / he slithers and slides”
Same guy as above, disguising his voice again: “They call him the natural / it just comes naturally / he’s the son of a son / he’s a son of a gun”
Same guys AGAIN: “Well he’s big and tall / lean and mean / he’s a Texas fightin’ machine / he likes to beat people up / and he likes to have fun / you know we’re talkin’ ’bout Barry Windham!”
Tina Turner woman or maybe the Poison reject: “Next stop Michigan State University / became a wrestling all American / liked it so much / they went back and did it again / they take on all comers no matter what size / there won’t be no question when you get Steinerized!”