WWE, 2008-2009

Colt Cabana is known as a lot of things: indy wrestling veteran, NWA champion, Dark Order member, lawsuit plaintiff. But one thing he’s not typically known as is “WWE Superstar”. And yet, for a span of six months, Cabana graced WWE rings (if only for a minute or so at a time).

He wasn’t called Colt Cabana, though. Nor did he go by his legal name of Scott Colton, as that had been done to death in WWE already.

Debuting as Scotty Goldman in August 2008, Cabana entered the ring to a generic rock theme and lost to The Brian Kendrick in two and a half minutes.

It would be the last time he would get in any offense to speak of. Still, Goldman made the most of his ring time, felling Kendrick with this move that he didn’t call The Rear View.

Goldman would soon team with Funaki in a squash against Vladimir Kozlov, lose another squash in a minute to the Great Khali, and get eliminated from a battle royal…

…before disappearing off television for months. A few months after CM Punk reminded viewers of Goldman’s existence at the Slammy Awards…

…Scotty returned to TV to got chucked out of another battle royal… 

…before getting demolished by Umaga in a match that aired hours after Goldman’s release.

All Smackdown viewers knew about Goldman was that the guy was a comedian (“Guy’s a comedian, huh?” said Tazz). On TV, the only thing that really separated the Scotty Goldman character from the usual Colt “Boom Boom” Cabana character was this “Scotty Goldman” patch ironed onto his singlet.

That, and he always lost. But away from Smackdown, Goldman had a web show. Boy, did he ever have a web show.

See, when WWE brought Colt Cabana to the main roster with no ideas for his character, Colt mentioned to Creative that he was Jewish. When Cabana subsequently clarified to Vince that he wasn’t some kind of “Super Jew” (Exhibit A: He called Israel a town), it made McMahon chuckle. 

Now, Vince could sum up Colt in two words: funny, Jewish.

“Funny” would explain putting Colt in cutaway promos in his first few weeks on television. “Jewish” would explain the name Goldman and… well, just read this description from WWE.com about his web show.

If that screenshot didn’t load for you, all you really need to know is that when promoting Scotty Goldman’s original series, the editor said “schmeer” twice.

Imagine Vince McMahon accidentally released himself in the next wave of WWE talent cuts. Or maybe he got three Wellness strikes. Anyway, let’s say he wound up in AEW. And let’s say Tony Khan saw the name, “McMahon” and thought, “Catholic!” And thus we’d see unbelievably insulting press releases like this:

AEW Dark’s newest commentator, Vince McMahon, covers AEW in his new Youtube series like tartar sauce covers a Filet-o-Fish at a Friday night Bingo game – with bite. ‘What’s Crackin’ with Vince McMahon’ premieres today as AEW’s newest ‘Lenten’ series, featuring the titular McMahon confessing about recent happenings in WWE. Some of this announcer’s Eucharist-flavored musings are sly, some are caustic and some are downright papal bull irreverent enough to make a priest blush. Ave Maria! To see what St. Vince is feeling guilty about this week, watch AEW’s latest Youtube series, ‘What’s Crackin’ with Vince McMahon.’ Bless you.

Or better yet, substitute in Joey Styles. After all, he was the one overseeing WWE.com. 

Every week for the last six or so weeks of his WWE tenure, Colt Cabana himself would write two-to-three minute skits full of offbeat humor you wouldn’t find on WWE television (which isn’t to say that it was necessarily funny)…

…and film them in front of a green screen. But from there, it was up to WWE’s web team to punch them up a bit. In the case of “What’s Crackin”, that meant “Jewish” noises of “eh” and “oy” dubbed in every ten seconds…

…plus a ubiquitous Fiddler On The Roof-style soundtrack and a theme song tagged “Jewish” on a stock music website.

And like Homer Simpson editing a dating video, every wipe on “What’s Crackin'” was a star wipe. In this case, it was a Star of David wipe. Thus, half a dozen times per episode, Scotty Goldman got swallowed up by an Israeli flag, a visual effect coupled every single time with a sound bite of Family Guy’s Mort Goldman (no relation).

Leave it to WWE to take one of the most successful indy wrestlers of the past twenty years and turn him into a less-successful Barry Horowitz. Let’s just make one thing clear: when it comes to wrestling or television or even just real life, stereotypes aren’t kosher…

…unlike “What’s Crackin’ with Scotty Goldman”, according to WWE’s press release.