Santina Marella

If there’s one thing that pro wrestling has taught me over the years, it’s that there’s nothing funnier than men in drag. Remember Sammi, Harvina, and Kloudi? Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco in that Evening Gown Match? Ron Garvin as Miss Atlanta Lively?

I mean, them’s some good times.

No wait, those were all terrible, and not funny at all. Booooo!

(Note from RD: to be fair, Miss Atlanta Lively did lead to one of my favorite jokes in the WrestleCrap Book of Lists, as Blade came up with…”Despite having a sexy new wardrobe, and a damn fine purse, there was one thing Ron possessed that would ultimately never fool anyone into thinking he was a woman – “the Garvin stump.”)

Ok, I’ll give you that one, Deal.

But aside from that one joke, and perhaps an episode or two of Bosom Buddies, has there ever been a really funny bit with guys in drag? I know the mainstream public thinks “Men+Wig+Dress=Hahalarity”, but I just don’t get it.

And Santino Marella? He’s funny. He’s ain’t John Belushi in 1978 or anything, but he’s funny.

Funny enough to overcome the burden of being saddled with a drag gimmick?

Not a prayer.

Nor is there a prayer I’ll be able to convey with all my heart and soul how much I DON’T CARE about this angle.

Anyways, at Wrestlemania 25, the WWE Universe (note from RD: if you ever, and I mean EVER, use that phrase again, consider yourself banished from is treated to a 25 Diva Battle Royal with a 40 minute Kid Rock intro that was so terrible it was left off the DVD.

Or the music couldn’t be cleared.

I prefer to think the former and not the latter.

Either way, “Diva Battle Royal” is WWE-speak for “bathroom break”. Seriously, think The Master’s Wives bitch-slapping cat-fight from Manos: The Hands of Fate and it’s on PPV.

The “highlight” comes when the last three in are Beth Phoenix, Melina and, as you likely surmised by the metadata up above, Santino Marella in drag. As Beth is about to eliminate Melina, Santino takes advantage and throws the both of them over the top, making him the winner of the Divas Battle Royal.

While Mae Young hits that timekeeper’s bell like she’s calling the cattle rustlers in for grub.

She does this quite well, which is understandable as I believe it was her last job prior to becoming a pro wrestler in 1856.

Santino grabs the mic and says he’s “Santina Marella, Santino’s twin sister from Italy”, and cries while he’s given the Miss Wrestlemania tiara and sash.

Then does a victory dance.

And…it’s lame.

Consider that for a minute: Santino Marella dancing, and it’s lame.


Had it all ended there, it would have been…well, I was going to write “ok”, but that would have been a lie.

So let me try again.

Had it ended there, it would have been not as horrible as it wound up being, as it dragged (no pun intended) on for decades on end. The storyline, of course, was the age old bit where everyone tries to prove that Santina is actually Santino.

The twist this time? Santina is actually a lesbian!

Because the only thing funnier than a guy in drag is a guy in drag who’s gay!

My brain told my fingers to type “ha ha ha!” there, but they refused.

Good for them.

Anyway, Santina proves her lesbianism by attempting to mack with some generic Diva that looked like she came directly from the WWE cloning laboratory.

You’ll have to forgive me for being a broken record every week when I start harping on the WWE for being less about wrestling and more about doing SNL sketches.

Oh, and no need to forgive me for skipping over some of these sketches.

Because if you’re upset about that, I don’t care.

So yeah, the angle goes on for the next 5 years until Santina is defeated by Vickie Guerrero (another character who can be funny, but sure wasn’t here) for the “Miss Wrestlemania” title and then wins it back in a 2 minute Handicap Hogpen match (see, because Chavo Guerrero had to be humiliated that week too) that had a 10 minute intro during the Extreme Rules PPV.

PPV , by the way, is short of Pay-Per-View.

Consider that for a moment – people PAID MONEY – MONEY!! – TO SEE THIS.

And do you know what Vince used that money for?

To pay these two to laugh in the most unrealistic manner possible.

Sorry, RD…you aren’t paying me enough to laugh at this crap.

Finish it on your own!

Umm, ok.

Remember when Donald Trump ‘bought’ Raw for like two weeks? Well, he fired Santina.

The end.

Good job, quitter.

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