They say it’s the most wonderful time of the year…and how can I argue with that sentiment when I get to say screw pro wrestling and focus instead on absurd movies of Christmas past? It’s been our tradition since the earliest days of the site to take my last induction of the year to review some clinkers as that weird Mexican movie where Santa fought the devil’s henchman Pitch, a Scrooge starring the Fonz, and the now somehow beloved Star Wars Holiday Special. Crazy to think that some of you learned of that trainwreck via my article, and now it’s on your annual viewing list every December. Maybe, just maybe, the same will happen with the feature I’m covering today.
I say maybe, but realistically, no, no it won’t. I think the infamous Santa and the Fairy Snow Queen is just too out there for anyone to enjoy, let alone on repeat viewings.
Now you read that title and you think, “Ok, it has Santa. Maybe the fairy snow queen is like that girl that sang ‘Let It Go’ from Frozen. That doesn’t sound too far off the beaten path.” Then…then you start to read the cast of characters in the opening credits and the head scratching begins, as we get Snoopy. Of course the logical thinking is maybe it’s an a Charlie Brown offshoot. No no. And rest assured, the Rag Doll is anything but Daddy’s little cutie. (BTW, RIP to Steven Tyler and the boys in Aerosmith at Rock ‘n’ Rollercoaster. I will forever put the back of my hand to my forehead in a vaguely obscene gesture and note, “Wait a minute. I love that idea!” just as you did in the ride’s preshow.)
More randos follow, including a Toy Soldier, a couple of dolls, and a Candy Lion. All of those pale in comparison to the utter horror of the Jack-in-the-Box this thing is about to unleash on you. I’d urge you to turn back now, but let’s just hold hands and try to make it through this together.
Our story begins by introducing us to this girl who we learn is Snoopy. She has a nails to the chalkboard level giggle, and she quickly gives her own backstory. See she’s called Snoopy because she SNOOPS, essentially serving as Santa’s secret agent to see what every kid is up to, making sure they eat their breakfast and put their toys away. She asks if you ever thought you heard something or someone when you’re alone – well it wasn’t your mommy or daddy, it was her! She then goes into a Mr. B Natural style workout routine. Adding to the confusion is the fact she is a “brownie”, which I believe is a European Christmas folklore character. I thought that made sense, as I thought I’d heard this was made in Germany, but according to Wikipedia it was made right here in the US of A back in 1951. So at this point I can’t even blame the Germans for this.
We then get the plotline of the show, namely that every Christmas Eve Santa has a cup of hot tea with a friend and he wants the Fairy Snow Queen to have a sugar cookie with him. The queen is completely appalled by the idea. I’m with you sister, I don’t like any hot beverages, let alone tea. Blech. We don’t see this conversation, instead we hear as Snoopy pantomimes listening. No joke, this goes on for a minute and a half straight. Anyway, Santa drinks the tea and promptly falls asleep.
This leaves Snoopy at Santa’s feet along with all the toys, which are actors portraying various gimmicks. There’s a soldier, a couple of girls, a lion, and a very disheveled Raggedy Ann doll looking thing. I will say I do love Snoopy checking the arm on Raggedy just like a pro wrestling ref.
At long last we actually get to see the Fairy Snow Queen and what a delight she is. She spins and twirls and pirouettes just like an actual ballerina! Also according to Snoopy, she loves to play jokes. Some off key music heralds her arrival and she speaks in something I THINK is English telling Santa she is now here.
Santa meanwhile is completely out of it. What was in that tea anyway? And pay attention to the queen next to that giant ‘boot’ – yep kids, we have a giant dozing Santa Claus! Or I guess the toys are tiny. Look, all I am saying is the production values on this thing ain’t much.
So the Snow Princess decides not to wake up Santa, but to bring the toys to life, starting with Raggedy Ann. I’m sure children were thrilled to see this thing brought to life, convulsing like a heroin junkie. And SPEAKING OF CONVULSING LIKE A HEROIN ADDICT, I give you…
JACK-IN-THE-BOX!
I know the term “nightmare fuel” gets thrown around a lot these days, but sweet Christmas does that ever describe this unholy abomination. And it’s not just the visual, it’s his unrepentant dialogue, as he repeats his lines over and over and over again in a tone and mannerism delivered straight from the nether regions of hades.
So the toys are thrilled to be brought to life, marching and dancing about in an effort to impress Santa.
And how does the lion attempt to do this you may ask? By proudly exclaiming “I CAN EAT CANDY!” Because, well, he’s the CANDY LION. Get it? (Don’t worry if you don’t, I’ve watched this thing for like ten years straight and I still don’t.)
Now you watch that animated GIF above and you may be thinking “Why is Santa talking to a little doll?” And that’s where you’d be mistaken as that’s not a doll, that’s the FAIRY SNOW QUEEN. I mean, the doll looks nothing like her but whatever. These are the special effects you’re gettin’! Anyhoo, he tells the Queen to turn these weirdos back into toys again so he can deliver them to the boys and girls of the world.
But it’s too late and Jack escapes from his box and goes completely insane. I too believe I have gone mad, watching this nitwit do a two step whilst grabbing women and throwing them into his box as the Nutcracker Suite blares incessantly. Thankfully, the toy soldier pulls out a sword and attempts to stab this loon, eventually convincing him to get back into his stupid box. I am sure this is exactly what Tchaikovsky had in mind when he penned that tune.
Once more, Santa tells the Queen to turn the toys back into toys…but no such luck. For you see, apparently the Fairy Snow Queen’s powers don’t allow her to turn something back to what it was before. This causes the queen to begin sobbing uncontrollably, and the former toys to celebrate. Heck they even break into a sing along of Jingle Bells (complete with Jack saying “WAY WAY WAY”)!
And so now we have a dilemma – not only do the toys not want to change back (“we don’t wanna we don’t wanna we don’t wanna”), but now since they won’t change back, Santa has no toys to give the children of the world. By my count there are like 8-10 ‘toys’ here, so I guess there were a lot of kids on the naughty list back in ’51. And Santa chides the Queen, noting, “Well, you should have thought of that before you changed them!”
The queen makes an impassioned plea for the beings she has just given newfound life to revert to their old inanimate selves. This does not go over well, with the soldier saying he wants to keep marching and the lion wanting to keep eating candy. And now cookies for some reason, that reason being that Jack can yell “SUGAR COOKIES SUGAR COOKIES SUGAR COOKIES” like a lunatic.
Santa reaches back into his bag of tricks once more, this time going for guilt trip tactics, asking the toys one more time if they want to disappoint the children of the world by not being toys for them on Christmas day. Let’s see, actual life or being played with for 2-3 days before being tossed under the bed and forgotten about until being sold at the family garage sale in May. Is there really a choice to be made here?
Eventually, Santa gets his way by promising the soldier if he becomes a toy, a little boy would send him to war. Yes, this is the deciding factor. I don’t blame you for not believing me, so here’s your audio proof.
You know what, as long as that creep Jack winds up back in his box, I ain’t arguing.
So the toys are dead once more and Santa wakes up (kinda) and tells Snoopy to get them into his sack so he can get outta here. Snoopy obliges and wishes us all a Merry Christmas. The end.
Here it is in its complete form. Watch if you want, but you can’t say I didn’t warn you. Merry Christmas I guess? (I GUESS I GUESS I GUESS!!!!)