It’s March Madness time in the US of A, and while I have zero affinity for basketball, I do have to admit I like the pageantry that comes with it. I was looking for a WrestleCrap tie-in, but I wanted to go outside the realm of the usual terrible tournaments and go a bit outside the box. And to my rescue come Paul Heyman and DDP…but they ain’t alone!
Friends, screw WrestleMania and learn to love my new obsession: MTV DIAL MANIA! This would be a show on (you guessed it) MTV wherein folks on their couches could literally pick up the phone and vote for what they felt was the best music video of the day. See, like a tournament! This would be the BATTLE ROYALE version of the show, with DDP and Paul E. Dangerously (Heyman) joining host Adam Curry. I tend to not be the jealous type, but holy SMOKES does Adam Curry have incredible hair. Like I know it’s totally laughable now, but if I still had any hair atop my follically challenged noggin I’d be grabbing every conditioner and hair spray imaginable to attempt to replicate it. Amazing!
So we go over the prior day’s results, with AC/DC besting Guns n Roses, Trixter losing to Metallic, Dire Straits toppling Peter Gabriel, and Bart Simpson (!!!!) annihilating Michael Jackson. Before you go all “WUT”, I give you the majesty of this here music video:
It’s the majesty of DO THE BARTMAN…and since it’s 2026 (as I write this), it’s in glorious 4K SCALED!! And a DIRECTOR’S CUT too! I promised you this absolutely would NOT be what was in heavy rotation on MTV, so consider yourself lucky to live in this glorious age.
But today El Barto has his work cut out for him, as he’s taking on Skid Row’s “I Remember You“, Slaughter’s “Up All Night“, and Mariah Carey’s “Someday.” Never thought I’d live to see the day I shoehorned my sweet, sweet Mariah onto this site about terrible professional wrestling, but the fact I am able to do so makes me consider this my finest hour. May as well just shut the site down now.
But hey this is WRESTLECrap, so let’s discuss why we are here….namely DDP being on the show with a couple of his Diamond Dolls! See, before he wound up with Kimberly, he would seemingly go find whatever skanks he could in town, tell them to skank it up to their skankiest, and bring them out to ringside with him. Anyone else remember that era of DDP or is it just me?
DDP is joined by the most controversial man on MTV since Andrew Dice Clay, Paul E. Dangerously! Pay attention and behind him you will see a masked goober known as Mr. X, carrying around a Sting wrestling buddy. No idea who this guy actually was, but throughout the show he keeps trying to cut off both Heyman and DDP. Going to go out on a limb and suggest that may not be the best idea.
But hey the camera hasn’t been on him in like 10 seconds, so DDP grabs the mic and starts putting himself over like nobody’s business. Not only himself, but he also shills for the following: the Diamond Exchange, the Fabulous Freebirds consisting of Jimmy “Jam” Garvin and Michael “Purely Sexy” Hayes. He doesn’t even shorten it to PS! Also, he ought to be in pictures. The crazy thing is he does all of this in the span of no joke TWELVE SECONDS. Talk about making the most of your time!
So we go to the scoreboard and Skid Row is out to a huge lead, with all three other contenders basically neck and neck picking up the scraps. Curry notes that it would be foolish to count Mariah out but maybe Slaughter could also make a comeback.
Curry turns to Mr. X and mid-sentence, mid-sentence I tells you, Page decides he needs more screen time and yanks the mic from Curry and launches into a tirade about how Bart Simpson is going to run roughshod on this whole show. I should note that while he is doing this we get gun shots and cows mooing loudly in the background.
And through it all, Paul remains constantly talking on his cell phone. I absolutely love his commitment here to a yuppie character named after a Michael Keaton film that (even then!) no one remembered.
Paul finally gets a chance to put his two cents in on the proceedings. I know, shocking DDP shut up for five seconds to allow someone else to talk. While Adam likes Mariah’s chances (“she’s wiry!!!” he tells us), Paul tells us that she actually wants to be a Diamond Doll before loudly asking the world, “WHY DO WE HAVE A BROAD ON MTV???”
Back to the bracket, Skid Row is dropping and Bart and Mariah are gaining ground! You better watch out, Skid Row!
And AGAIN DDP grabs the mic and goes on and on about Slaughter being a marauder before the whole thing winds up with people screaming for no discernable reason.
At this point, Mr. X decides he’s had enough of being cut off by DDP and Paul E. and decides to give them a piece of his mind. Of course Paul E. has other plans and cracks this goober upside the head, with DDP joining in on the fun and beating him to a pulp on the floor. Then in the ultimate sign of brutality, Page and Paul each grab one of the Stinger’s arms and literally rip him apart, with foam flying everywhere…
…and Paul continuing the madness by beating on Curry’s head with the remnants of the doll. Maybe it’s just me but Adam looks ticked. I would be too – don’t you dare mess up that man’s glorious hair!!
Finally we learn that Skid Row was able to hang on and win the bracket…with DDP naturally grabbing the mic so that he can exclaim that he was right all along. Wait, didn’t Page tell us earlier that Bart Simpson was going to win?
So we go to the wrap up and Paul explains that he didn’t care who won as he watches VH1 anyway…which got massive boos. I don’t remember the MTV vs. VH1 war ever being a Sega-Nintendo level of rivalry but these folks sure felt that way! It goes off the air in a total melee as Curry seemingly has finally had enough of Page’s antics, as DDP does his best to shill for everyone under the sun as Curry attempts to yank away the mic in vain. All while we get more mooing, gun shots, and screams in the background. Forget March Madness – give me more of this Nyquil-fueled FEVER DREAM, BABY!!!