For those of you who doubt if Vince McMahon is actually close to his so-called “stooges”, Pat Patterson and Gerry Brisco, behind the curtain, I offer this up as proof. After all, who else other than good friends of the boss would get a PPV match when both are pushing 60 years old?
It all started out disgustingly enough. Patterson and Brisco had been tormenting WWF superstars at the request of Vinny Mac. Patterson even introduced the most disturbing move in the history of wrestling, the Poop-Stain Stink face, shown here on Rikishi.
Brisco and Patterson eventually went after the WWF Hardcore championship. Brisco wound up winning, the belt, but during his victory celebration, Patterson smashed him over the head with a bottle. He then used the 24-7 rule to his advantage, pinning Brisco and taking the title.
Patterson then went into hiding the only way he knew how – that’s right, by becoming a drag queen.
Brisco discovered that Patterson had been hiding out in the women’s locker room, so he too got in on the act, looking for all the world like some satanic Pocahontas.
Mr. Mac-Mahon discovered what the two were up to and ordered the first ever Hardcore Evening Gown Match, for the 2000 King of the Ring.
Little did viewers at home know they were about to see history in the making, as one of the all-time worst matches was about to take place.
Brisco came out first…
…followed by Patterson, who looked like he had done this many, MANY times before.
I should mention by this time, the crowd had already started booing and begun the “boring” and “bullshit” chants.
As is the case in any hardcore match, a variety of foreign objects came into play.
Unlike most hardcore matches, though, the objects in this case were a banana (and I dare not even think about where that had been before the match)…
…and a maxi-pad, which Patterson pulled out from between his legs.
If you find any of this the least bit humorous, I suggest you call Bellevue immediately. The sanity you save may be your own.
Patterson took this opportunity to once again wiggle his fat can on screen, much to the dismay of non-blind fans everywhere….
…while Brisco countered with a Bronco buster that probably had Patterson grinning from ear to ear.
Finally, the crowd had something to cheer about, as Crash Holly charged down the ring, with trash can in hand and referee in tow.
Crash won the crowd’s approval by bashing Patterson in the head with a trash can…
…and then scoring the pinfall, thus ending this train wreck of a match.
To this day, I still hold a special place in my heart for Crash for saving me from this seemingly never-ending horror.
Crash took off from the ring, once again holding the Hardcore title. Patterson and Brisco continued to roll around on the floor in their panties, while Jim Ross begged the production crew to show something – anything! – else.
Was this the worst match of all time? Probably not, but if the shot above of Gerry Brisco’s crotch covered in leather entwined with Patterson’s red silk covered fanny isn’t WrestleCrap, I don’t know what is.
Jim Ross: “Patterson’s body looks like he just had a litter of pups. Can we have a shot of the outside of the building? Can we look at the skyline?!”