Of all the amazing things I have seen in wrestling over the past 25 years or so of watching it, nothing has been more incredible than its unparalleled ability to take gorgeous women and make me never want to see them ever, EVER again. Be it Diva Searches, turning them into brainless idiots, horrible matches, you name it…it is uncanny how this industry can de-sexify even the most beautiful of fair maidens.
Seriously, if I had never seen this woman before…
…I’d seriously think she was one of the hottest biscuits on the planet.
After watching Melina in WWE for the last seven years, listening to her scream and recite horrendous dialogue in the most wooden manner imaginable, if she hopped in my lap today I’d shove her off and run for dear life.
Ain’t no way I’d want that bitch around me.
In the mid 90’s when WCW was at its peak, Nitro had not just one stunning woman on its roster, but a half-dozen of them that danced around before the matches. They were known as the Nitro Girls, and fans loved ’em.
Well, at first anyway. After a while, though, everyone got tired of their junior varsity cheerleader dance routines and just wanted to see another Eddy Guerrero vs. Dean Malenko match. Still, it didn’t prevent WCW from doing a PPV of one of their calendar photo shoots.
Yes, a PAY-PER-VIEW of nothing but Nitro Girls.
And this thing wastes ZERO time introducing us to the girls. No joke, we get Tony Schiavone saying, and I quote, “TheNitro Girls!” a three-second clip of them dancing, and then the redhead that I always called “Jugs” telling us her name is Fyre (because everyone in the mid 90’s with an “i” in their name changed it to “y”) and that she has red hair.
Nice to see her playing to the blind PPV-buying demographic right off the bat.
Up next we get Tygress, who explains that her name comes from “tiger” and “princess.”
Then she laughs about it.
And the other girls laugh.
And then she laughs some more.
I kept waiting for the camera to pan back and show a giant bong, but it never did.
This would be Spice, who is apparently “all sass.” I remember her not at all, which seems to indicate that she never wore that wig.
What can I say, I like chicks with bizarre colored hair.
Remember when Gwen Stefani had pink hair? That was hot.
So yeah, if Spice had purple hair, I am sure that I would remember that.
Just like I would remember Storm if she always looked like a mushroom.
You don’t forget girls walking around looking like food you’re allergic to.
That chick there is apparently AC Jazz, and the hairdon’ts continue with a Pippy Longstockings look.
If Trish Stratus couldn’t make that look work (and believe me, she couldn’t even with her quadruple D hooters on jutting out as only they can), you ain’t gonna either, toots.
Chae is up next, hugging a teddy bear, sucking her thumb, and wearing a top hat.
It was like for her photo shoot the other girls filled out a Mad Libs page and said, “Here, do this!”
Finally, we get Kimberly, whose goal in life is to have a licensed blow up doll.
I keed, I keed. Thought I did spend a good 10 minutes trying to get that exact grab. Figured the Hobo would put it to use, if you catch my drift.
Anyway, she’s the one who came up with the idea for the Nitro Girls.
So if you despised them, well, now you know where to send the hate mail.
That out of the way, the girls begin to talk about all the success they are having. That would be fine, but these folks make it sound like they are the second coming of the Beatles or something.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the fact that the girls claim that it’s not just a group, it’s a sisterhood.
A sisterhood of the traveling hot pants.
(And yes, that joke was horrible. You’ll take comfort, though, knowing I didn’t laugh at it like Tygress and the other girls did at their joke up above. I just wrote it, though, “Eh, that’s kinda witty, may make someone with an IQ of 70 or so laugh”, and then moved on.)
Finally, we get past all the blah blah and get to the pool!
For more blah blah!
But at least they are in bikinis, with breasts on full (at least as full as can be done whilst covered in a smattering of fabric) display, so hopefully things will improve a bit.
Kimberly tells us to get ready for some awesome sunrise shots of Chae, and sure enough, that’s what we get.
For like 5 seconds.
Then we get, no joke, two minutes straight of Kimberly.
I’d make a joke about the booker putting the spotlight on themselves here, but if there’s one thing RD likes more than goofy colored hair, it’s a black and white bikini.
So I’ll let it slide.
Next we get talk of how Chae is a natural beauty…except when her nipples are showing.
Don’t ask me, just listen (and like me, no doubt ask why this footage is missing from the PPV).
Remember at the beginning when I said that wrestling makes beautiful women so unattractive?
Where else would you find women talking about ugly nipples?
AC Jazz Funfact: she vacuums naked. Again, we do not get footage.
Oh, and she’s also kinda surly looking. They didn’t mention that on the video, but I sure noticed it.
That image to the right? That’s pretty much the most glamorous shot I could grab of her.
She’s like a Jerry Seinfeld girlfriend or something, pretty from afar but far from pretty.
In between all this…well…nothingness, we get Storm and Fyre in the gym doing some very, VERY light workouts.
Which they bitch about incessantly.
At least they’re not talking about how ugly their areolas are.
SPEAKING OF NOT ENDEARING…you know how to make a nearly naked Kimberly Page in a glass elevator unattractive?
By blaring the world’s worst Kenny G impersonator in the background.
I’d call him Kenny F, but I’m sure I’ve used that joke on the site in the past.
And I try to have higher standards on these inductions than I do on WrestleCrap Radio.
We then get Kimberly talking about a wacky mishap in which a choreographer was shown a video of the girls doing a routine, but get this…it turned out to be a Kimberly-Dallas Page sex tape!
You know, I’m a big fan of the guy, but please…let’s keep the world free from any further conversation involving DDPorn.
I’m so not joking.
Have I mentioned how long this video is yet? Yes? No? Maybe?
When I hit play on this, I noticed this thing is TWO HOURS long. I wasn’t sure how that was possible until 30 minutes in and I had seen the same shots of AC Surly and Spice on a jetski for, no joke, the third time.
Then they play with the dolphins again. I know I’ve seen that at least four times already.
I get that you need to pad this thing out a bit in order to release a video, but jeesh.
AStill, let’s say you are into this and think the women are hot. You grab your bottle of Jergen’s and then you get…these annoying women going SHOPPING.
That’s not arousing!
No sir, not at all!
You know what else isn’t arousing?
Listening to two very pasty photographers griping about the weather!
And seeing the dolphins.
By the time the show ends with the girls topless, you won’t even care that they don’t turn around.
You’ll just be glad it’s over.
After all, I didn’t want to see Chae’s hideous nipples, did you?