With all the changes we’ve seen in AEW over the years, one nobody really talks about is the loss of their weird little shows like AEW Dark. Prior to getting Collision and Rampage, this little nugget was a treasure trove of weirdness that was taped before Dynamite, and would serve at least two purposes. The first was simple – it was there to get the crowd “up” for the main show. The second reason was that those who would never be featured on the likes of Dynamite or Rampage would have a chance to get exposure and attempt to impress both the crowd and those behind the scenes. It was a very unstructured atmosphere that led to everyone appearing to have a blast…most notably, it seems, the commentators who played fast and loose, basically saying anything they wanted seemingly without fear or reprisal. Such is definitely the case in the match we’re inducting tonight, as Excalibur and especially Taz were in the rarest of form.
Our first competitor would be MT Nakazawa. Now if you’re asking, “I thought he was Michael Nakazawa”, join the club. Like I remember when he was a stooge for Kenny Omega (when Don Callis unveiled his first ever painting!) wearing the same gear, but I did not recall him actually wrestling in this get up. But here he is, making his 2022 singles debut, sporting a headset, polo shirt, and credentials draped around his neck.
His opponent would be one Joey Sweets, who appears to be a huge fan of Rick Rude as he starts swiveling his hips. Which leads to Nakazawa doing the same. Sigh…I say this only in the interest of trying to be helpful to every wrestler out there – no one should EVER do that. You will always be compared to the “Ravishing One”, and it will always be done in a negative light.
There was only one Rick Rude…and ain’t nobody else ever going to be him. Especially not Joey Sweets.
So the match gets started and we head to our lockup…only for Nak to drop to his knees and start talking into his headset. Now you older folks out there may remember when the likes of Jerry Lawler would do this, talking into the mic which would be blared over the speakers in the arena and onto the television feed. It was a great way to get heat. But that is NOT the case here, as we don’t hear anything Nakazawa has to say, instead it appears he is just pantomiming. Imagine a mime doing commentary. Does that sound like anything you’d ever want to see? Because that’s what we’re getting here!
We then get the exact same thing, which leads to Sweets finally doing something about it, namely punching Nak right in the mush. You’d think that would make him a huge babyface to the crowd and maybe he would have been if…
…he didn’t immediately follow that up by going to the top and doing a hip swivel rope walk. Yes, this is a thing that actually happened, which led to Taz saying, and I quote, “Homeboy still doing that hip thing on the ropes.” Buddy, this match is just getting started.
Sweets flies into the turnbuckle to find nobody home, so Nak grabs him by the nipples and squeezes for all his might. Gotta love Excalibur calling the match undeterred, noting, “he purpled his nurples” and Taz following that up with “tag team areola action!”
Nak gives Sweets a big body slam before adjusting his headset, checking to make sure everything was ok backstage, and then dropping a Maki Itoh headbutt for two. Yep.
And then the match turns into a spectacular WrestleCrap classic, as Sweets hits a standing drop kick and flying butt to the corner. He heads up top and screams for Nakazawa, who catches him and does…something. I’d attempt to explain it but I think Taz summed it up best: “WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED BRO? WHAT WAS THAT?”
Nakazawa takes back over, crotching Sweets and then running his nads along the top rope. Taz continues as only he can, exclaiming “That’s yambag rake city! Yambag rake-age!!”
So Taz starts putting over Nak, explaining how it’s impressive he does all this in Dockers…while at the same time plugging their sponsor, Price.com. Taz is the ultimate pro. Meanwhile after all these beatings, Sweets is able to once more mount an offensive, hitting a move that I’ve never seen in all my 40+ years of watching wrestling. And it’s not just me that’s never seen, the guys on commentary haven’t either, exclaiming, once again, “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT???”
It all leads to this amazing finish. First, Sweets slaps his fanny, causing Taz to note “this Sweets is awkward.” Or maybe he said “awful.” Honestly, either would be applicable in this match. Next, he comes flying in only for Nakazawa to pull the ref in front of him. This causes Sweets to gently pat the ref on the back for…reasons, I guess. This delay allows Nak to grab the laptop and hit Sweets in the head. Finally, Nakazawa grabs Sweets, looking to give him a tombstone, but nearly legit dropps him right on his head in the process. Taz: “This is not good…oh no oh no.” Instead of giving him a tombstone, Nak falls face forward into Sweets’ crotch, getting the pin and emerging with a giant smile on his face. Taz then says to Excalibur, and I quote, “I feel like we should both retire after this match. I feel like we should just end our careers at this moment.” I know I speak for all my fellow Crappers when I say, “Never, Taz, never! The world needs your incredible commentary to save us from matches just like this!”