When you think of ECW’s greatest alumni, The Musketeer would be way, way down the list.
In fact, even when you think just of ECW’s greatest alumni whose names sound like candy bars, The Musketeer would still be way, way down the list, somewhere behind David Heath.
The Musketeer had wrestled on the indies for a few years prior to joining ECW around 2000, but his first big break came on MTV’s 1999 special, “I Wanna Be a WWF Superstar”.
Appearing onscreen for less than five seconds, The Musketeer declared, “You will fear The Musketeer!” in his backstage audition.
Though the oddball didn’t even make it to the studio floor, it’s likely someone at ECW was watching that afternoon.
Let’s put this guy on our new TNN show, he thought. It’s probably gonna suck anyway.
Sure enough, within months, the Musketeer was making ECW crowds groan up and down the east coast.
The Musketeer dressed exactly as you’d expect…
…showed up randomly in backstage skits…
…and talked like a total dweeb, but always in rhyme. “Have no fear! The Musketeer is here!”
Essentially, he was a human Dogtanian, but more cartoony.
The Musketeer tagged along with Simon Diamond, sometimes dueling with Simon’s opponents (well, Tommy Dreamer)…
…and occasionally escaping with scrotum intact.
When you consider Tommy went from holding the ECW title to dueling with The Musketeer inside of a week, you can kind of understand his WrestleMania 17 plans.
Besides the Musketeer, the rest of Simon Diamond’s cavalcade of misfits were as follows:
Mitch:
- Simon Diamond’s personal ring announcer
- wimpy
- tall
- carried an umbrella indoors
- channeled Herb the burger nerd
- didn’t like getting hit in the groin
The Prodigy:
- slow-witted graduate of ECW’s House of Hardcore
- together with the Prodigette, nicknamed “The Wonder Twins”
- always squabbled with the Prodigette
- once wore this:
The Prodigette:
- muscular lady
- dressed like The Prodigy
- reputedly did not get a boob job
- served as an excuse for Joey Styles to say “breast tissue” on TV
Diamond’s gaggle of dorks annoyed him to no end. In every sketch, Diamond would bemoan the fact that he was considered a comedy act (except, presumably, without the laughs).
Eventually, he found a partner in Johnny Swinger, fresh off WCW Saturday Night. Swinger, truth be told, was every bit the dork as the rest of Simon’s crew.
For example, in one sketch, Swinger posed in front of a large pedestal fan…
…just so he could say he was getting blown by his biggest fan.
As you can tell from this induction and one I did last month, I’m not the biggest Johnny Swinger fan, and never have I been more glad of that fact that right now.
While Prodigy and Prodigette, standing downwind of Swinger, complained of his greasy blowback…
…The Musketeer showed up to duel with the appliance. All that was missing was Ron Simmons showing up to say, “Damn”.
One time backstage, Simon & Swinger, fed up with the “freaks” in their locker room, bumped into Elektra…
…or more specifically, Elektra’s tatas. While Swinger dubbed them “swing things”, Simon called them “two more freaks”, leading to a misunderstanding with the New Dangerous Alliance.
CW Anderson said the following to Simon Diamond, deadly serious: “Are you calling me a freak? ‘Cause if you are, I’ll get freaky on your ass! Are we straight?”
“I said, are we straight?”
It sure doesn’t sound like it, CW.
But eventually, the three men joined forces, kicking the freak show to the curb in the process.
Try to make sense of this:
On one episode of ECW on TNN, CW Anderson told Simon & Swinger to get serious, then punched out the whole entourage. (Anderson punched all four of them, but all you need to see is Mitch’s bump)
Simon & Swinger immediately turned on their lackeys, beating up the Musketeer and the Prodigy personally.
The very next night on Hardcore TV, all the freaks but the Musketeer still accompanied Simon & Swinger, who kicked them all out a second time.
To be fair, there was a whole month separating those two tapings, so they must have forgotten they were already fired.
After breaking up with Simon Diamond, the Musketeer and the rest of the bunch slid further into irrelevance.
The Wonder Twins joined up with CW Anderson’s old partner, Bill Wiles…
…who’d taken to wearing an Elvis get-up to the ring and calling himself Bilvis Wesley.
The Musketeer wrestled exactly one match on ECW TV, and got to cut a promo before it.
It was so bad, Paul Heyman interrupted to announce that Tommy Dreamer had been injured the night before.
When the show resumed, Jazz was in the ring kicking Musketeer’s ass, putting him away in one minute.
So how well do ECW fans remember the Musketeer and company? Well, for one thing, Musketeer doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page.
And despite their Simon Diamond-heavy ECW revival show, TNA didn’t bother bringing back the Musketeer or any of Diamond’s other freaks. And this was a show that used a fake Blue Meanie and an impostor Lupus for star power.