Hey, did you hear? Our good pal Triple H has released his new book the exact same week as my latest effort, Death of WCW. (It’s like he wants me to job to him too!) But while my new book takes an in-depth look at the destruction of a wrestling empire, Hunter’s book explains how you can look just like him. His tome is entitled Making the Game: The Triple H Fitness Manual, and according to the publisher, it’s “Triple H’s verbal and visual blueprint for building your body.”

The sad thing is that I cannot even make a cheap joke about what our lord and master Trips’ regimen must entrail. Oh sure, I COULD make THAT joke, but I think I’ll take the high road for once. Besides, after all these years of burrowing through the worst of wrestling, all I could think of as I read about this no doubt fascinating tale was “I wonder if Muffy is writing the foreword?”

To which, I am sure, many of you asked, “Who…or what…the hell is a Muffy?”

Muffy was the exercise consultant to the stars. And as we all know, there’s no bigger star than Nipple H (Stephanie McMahon) herself!

The date was April 13, 2000, and our fearless WWF Women’s Champion made her way down to the ring. But this time, instead of sashaying down the aisle by her lonesome, she had a friend, an overly excited guest in bright pink spandex who had a microphone headset wrapped around her very blonde head.

With the spotlight once again thrust upon her, Nips launched into one of her legendary long-winded spiels, telling fans how it wasn’t easy to be a fit and taut mega ultra maxi super duper sex symbol like she was.

Just when you thought there couldn’t possibly be a more annoying person on the entire planet, Nipple H herself actually introduced us to one : her personal trainer, Muffy, who proceeded to tell us we were all fat and out of shape.

Actually, that’s not true. She didn’t really tell us. Yes, sounds emitted from what appeared to be her mouth. That much is true.

But these sounds were not the type that any normal vocal chords could create. Indeed, before I play a snippet of Muffy’s voice, I must give you fair warning: the noises you are about to hear are not of this world. They simply cannot be. This…voice…is so grating, so shrill, that it could easily be used as a torture device. In fact, I dare say Muffy’s voice is so ear drum rupturingly irritating that it actually makes Steph’s sound soothing in comparison!

I’ve said enough. Click at your own risk!

It’s Time for Some MuffyJacks!

Sadly (or thankfully, for my hearing’s sake), Muffy wasn’t long for the world of the WWF. She appeared for less than a month, before her character was nixed. Caryn Mower, the woman that portrayed Muffy, was kept on the company payroll for approximately six months before quietely being let go completely.

Why, you might ask, was the Muffy gimmick dropped so quickly? Believe it or not, it wasn’t because the company didn’t like the gimmick; obviously, they still to this day believe in the over-the-top fitness guru: witness Simon Dean. In fact, they thought Mower was perfectly annoying in her role. Nor did it have anything to do with Mower herself. She was reportedly well liked behind the scenes, and her work as a stuntwoman in countless films was very appealing to the company. Even more appealing may have been the fact that she had plenty of experience in front of live crowds, as she had worked in countless “stunt shows” at theme parks such as Universal Orlando. Which kind of makes sense when you think about it – perhaps her high pitched squeal is something that, say, a dolphin, could understand.

Anyway, the most popular rumor as to why Muffy was killed off was because someone figured out that if Steph needed a trainer, that meant Vince’s little princess was, in fact, fat at some point. And naturally, they couldn’t have people thinking that.

Of course, that couldn’t be true…could it?

Steph: “I now introduce to you my personal trainer, and now yours too….MUFFY!”

– Words cannot accurately describe the sounds contained within this clip. Sorry.

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