It’s mind-boggling to consider that this website launched before some of the wrestlers now on TV were even born. And while we don’t take lightly our role as the internet’s arbiter of what is and isn’t crap in pro wrestling, many readers take it way more seriously than even we do, thoughtfully weighing in on whether this or that week’s topic is truly worthy or even legally eligible for an induction on the site.
Exactly what qualifies as “The Very Worst of Pro Wrestling” is subjective, but there are two things in this fine sport that all but guarantee an induction into WrestleCrap:
…and Hulk Hogan movies.
Why, Terry Bollea’s movie career practically had its own chapter in the original WrestleCrap book.
This week’s induction revolves around McCinsey’s Island, one of the Hulkster’s more obscure films, which released straight to video in 1998.
The film begins with a dying man carving a treasure map and the year “1876” into a turtle’s shell.
Flash forward to the present day, where two jet-skiers ride onto the beach, prompting Hulk Hogan to surface.
Yes, he snorkels in a bandana.
These no-goodniks immediately turn their attention to a turtle, whom they flip over and possibly poke in the belly with a stick.
“Stop it”, says Hogan. “I said stop it.” This is as convincing as his acting will get the whole movie.
They get physical, until the two jet skiers get knocked in the coconut with a certain hard-shelled island fruit whose name escapes me. And who threw it? Hogan’s buddy Billy. And boy, is Hulk glad to see him!
The two pals get to work turning the turtle upright and spot a map and numerals carved on his carapace:
“What do you think did that?” wonders Billy.
“It looks like cuts made by a human,” speculates Hogan.
Again, this is what the shell looks like:
Gee, let’s not jump to conclusions, Hulkster.
Hulks snaps pictures of the shell treasure map…
…then confiscates the two men’s jet skis because they were speeding (according to Hogan, who was underwater the whole time).
Hogan’s car blows up, so he rides one of the skis home…
…where he does the happy dance for his wise-cracking bird…
…played by Willy the Bird.
When someone walks into Hulk’s house unannounced, Hogan takes him down, only to find it’s his old partner, Walter Denkins (played by Robert Vaughn).
Hogan tells Walter he’s “retired from the force” and just wants peace and quiet, but Walter knows who blew up Hulk’s car: Alanso Richter.
“The Alanso Richter, the government fund swindler? He’s on this island?”
“Yes, he’s on this island. I’m going to arrest him”
Alanso was Hulk Hogan’s last case before he retired, and now he’s after some legendary lost treasure. But Hogan, despite learning that this old nemesis is in town to kill him, insists he’s not interested in “business”.
Hogan rides his stolen jet ski to town…
…where a man in all black tries to run him over on a motorcycle.
Hulk falls onto a tourist, who I bet would have been played by Pam Anderson had it not been for Hogan’s jealous wife, Linda.
Billy arrives on the scene, where he and the tourist woman argue at length with Hogan over whether someone’s trying to kill him, or whether it was all an accident caused by speeding. Hulk argues the latter, probably as an excuse to find the biker and steal his ride (like he did with those jet skiers).
Speaking of which, while out joyriding on his stolen jet ski, Billy gets captured in hilarious fashion by some unseen villains. There’s just something about that kind of fishing net on a pole.
Hogan, who is on his second bandana of the film, dislodges a truck all by himself…
…before Walter finds him and shows him a neat photo he took. “I got there exactly when Alanso’s guys were trying to kill you.”
“Whoa whoa, slow down,” says the incredulous Hulk. “What’s this about trying to kill me?” he asks, in the same afternoon his truck blew up and a biker in a ski mask almost ran him down. Hulk still doesn’t buy this whole treasure-hunt-and-repeated-assassination-attempt theory…
…but he does tell his friend to stop using hidden cameras to capture him in compromising positions with women. Get used to it, Terry.
Hulk returns home to find the place ransacked and reeking of natural gas smell. He rushes out the door and makes a dramatic slow-motion dive, but not before grabbing his pet bird…
Bear in mind that a director actually placed a stuffed bird on that railing specifically for this purpose.
“Well,” says Walter. “I guess you’re back in business whether you like it or not.” Hogan, who is shockingly composed for someone who just narrowly escaped getting blown up with his house, tacitly agrees. Hey, if anyone is going to no-sell three murder attempts and homelessness, it’s the Hulkster.
Hogan sleeps in his boat overnight with his bird and a third, red bandana that survived the fire. You might assume that the talking bird will somehow figure into the third act, saving the day with its power of speech, but no…
…Hogan drops him off at a sitter for the rest of the movie, a screenwriting decision that would have Anton Chekhov spinning in his grave.
Hulk, now on his fourth and final bandana, needs to find McCinsey’s treasure so he can trade it to Alanso for Net-Face. Hogan sets out with Walter, who has brought along Sabrina the tourist woman (who until further notice does nothing of any importance).
The trio is soon captured by an armed gang, led by a man named Samson, and brought to Alanso Richter’s camp.
And surprise! Alanso is actually a woman, played most hammily by Grace Jones. She and Hulk have a long back-and-forth where she keeps demanding the treasure map, and he keeps demanding to know where Billy is. All the while, the incessant banging coming from a nearby crate gets more and more distracting.
The henchmen bring in Walter, who insists they release Billy from the crate. “That’s Billy in the crate?” asks a stunned Hulk. I don’t know what rank he held on the force, but I don’t suppose it was detective.
Hoping to rescue Billy, Hulk grabs Alanso in a crossface chickenwing.
Samson tries to make the save, but, in a move loaded with symbolism…
…Walter fells him with a stone from a slingshot, just like what happened to the biblical Samson. Or was that Goliath? You know, they probably should have named the guy, “Goliath”.
Hogan and company make their escape, but immediately after starting the engine, Billy falls off, which no one notices.
After an extensive four-minute boat chase…
…including an obligatory cameo by Brutus Beefcake…
…Hogan realizes Billy’s not even aboard. Now they have to return to the camp, but on foot, as the boat’s engine died.
Along the way, Hogan and friends decide they’d better multi-task and look for the treasure, which first leads them to a special tree from their treasure map. Hogan climbs it and finds…
…a shrunken head. Who would have imagined seeing Hulk Hogan with a shrunken head?
Nearby, a raccoon goes on a stroll. In fact, there have been several raccoon appearances in this film.
What’s a raccoon doing on a tropical island? It wouldn’t keep showing up conspicuously if it weren’t going to play a role in the film, right?
Walter then falls into a hole (possibly Chekhov’s grave). Sabrina decides to follow him in, head first…
…and Hulk enters last, but neither he nor Walter can find Sabrina, who has somehow vanished into thin air. I’m guessing she wasn’t on set the day they shot the underground scene.
Walter and Hogan find a box full of jewels, then shelter in the hole.
Overnight, Sabrina appears out of the ether and steals the jewels.
Sabrina then calls Alanso and lies to her, saying they haven’t found the treasure yet. From this scene, we learn three shocking facts:
#1: Sabrina is a double agent, secretly working for Alanso behind Hogan’s back
#2: Sabrina is a triple agent, secretly working for herself behind Alanso’s back
And #3: This remote island has amazing cellular service, and all the way back in 1998!
In the morning, Hogan finds the jewels stolen, but Walter doesn’t fret – they were clearly phony, anyway. The real treasure is hidden in Hogan’s shrunken head – a giant diamond (that is also clearly phony).
Sabrina, he explains, works for Alanso. That’s why he brought her along: so she would lead them right to the camp where Billy was captive. I guess that makes sense.
What doesn’t make sense is Walter referring to Alanso as “he”, even after they met her and found out she was a woman. My guess is that the character was originally supposed to be a man, that Grace Jones was cast reeeeally late in production, and that no one could be bothered to re-shoot or at least re-dub the scenes referring to her as a man.
Over at the villain’s base, Alanso is making her goons do calisthenics, including, and I quote, “butt-squatting”…
…while Samson puts Sabrina in a cage. To keep up the ruse? Who knows. The important thing is that she and Billy get to share a scene and be super annoying. That’s a fundamental problem with this movie – Hulk Hogan’s main motivation is to rescue Billy, but Billy sucks. So who cares?
Sabrina doesn’t; she drugs the guard and bails out of the cage without Net-Face…
…before gathering up her buried treasure and scooting.
…which go off the next morning to create a diversion and waste half the movie’s budget.
Hogan calls up Alanso to taunt her. “How’d you get my number?” she should have responded, but I guess in all the chaos, she didn’t think to ask.
Hulk frees Billy, who gets him to admit that he’s not a biologist at all, but a former secret agent. Now, I don’t remember Hogan ever claiming to be a biologist in this movie, but I do distinctly remember him mentioning retiring from “the force”, and his ex-partner vowing to arrest an embezzler. All that, and enforcing maritime speed limits under dubious authority. But sure, he’s an ex-secret agent now.
Before Hogan and Billy can vamoose, however, Hulk has one last obstacle: a certain big, stinky giant who somehow managed to avoid everyone’s notice up to this very moment. This long-haired strong man probably should have been the one named Samson, but that bald guy had already called dibs on it. Instead, his name is “Little Snowflake”. Don’t believe me? It says so right in the credits…
…which, incidentally, seem to be ripped straight out of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Pro Wrestling. Besides Terry “Hulk” Hogan (as he called himself in the 90s), there’s “The Giant” Paul White and “Brutus Beefcake” Leslie Edwards. All told, they misspelled the names of nearly half the cast, including Robert Vaughn.
Hulk is in real peril now, despite what the slide whistle sound effect would have you believe.
Once again, the old guy saves the day with his slingshot…
…and is greeted by that raccoon again.
On the outskirts of camp, Walter tries arresting the villain (as a secret agent does), but a henchwoman puts a gun to his head.
Back in civilization, Sabrina tries in vain to pawn the fake treasure…
…while on the island, Hulk and Billy pull up to shore on their boat, whose engine is apparently up and running again.
Alanso vengefully waterskis right onto the beach…
…where Hogan immediately arrests her. Being an ex-secret agent and all, he always carries a set of handcuffs.
Walter then pops up with Hogan’s bird to celebrate with the guys. How did he wriggle out of being held at gunpoint? No one says, but it probably had something to do with that raccoon.
Just then, Billy finds a box with two tiger cubs on the beach.
“Hey, what do we do with these guys?” asks Billy.
“Let’s keep ‘em!” says Hogan.
Can’t see any downside to that!