Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or you know, you just haven’t visited our fine site lately, you’re aware this Labor Day weekend in Chicago your old buddy and old pal RD Reynolds will be at the inaugural Starrcast convention. It’s setting up as four days of utter insanity, with a gooftastic WrestleCrap panel on Friday where our very own Blade Braxton, Jordan Mishkin, and I will be joined by Oscar from Men on a Mission, Dr. D David Schultz (so we can discuss the infamous At Home with Dr. D in detail!!), and yes, a reunion of the DUNGEON OF DOOM. You want The Zodiac? Yes? No? Yes? No? YES! We WILL be giving you The Zodiac! We’ll also have tons of original props that were used in several WCW and WWE inductions, including one that you won’t believe (and unfortunately we cannot announce it until the show itself). I’ll also be bringing my WWF WrestleMania arcade machine with me to add to the fun. Friday is going to be a blast.
Saturday, though? Look, I’d be lying if I didn’t fess up and note that I am more than a little concerned about this Death of WCW panel for which I perhaps foolishly volunteered to participate. I’ve never met David Penzer, JJ Dillon nor Kevin Sullivan, so I am not sure what they think of the book or our comical little internet home here at WrestleCrap.com. But there is one member of that yakfest that I do know all about, and that would be Eric Bischoff. Dude absolutely HATES the book, and by proxy, myself. So while I can prepare mentally for any question he may lob, in the back of my mind I am always thinking…what if he decides to go all Hong Kong Fooey on me? Could I block a savate kick? Dodge a strike? Avoid a touch of death?
To that end, I decide to head back into the vault and find a match that would properly prepare me for just such an instance. And thus, I have discovered a MARTIAL ARTS MATCH in WCW from 1995. With the good Lord above and I am not making this up, I have zero memory of this bout. But surely, if anything will ready me, it would be a match featuring Eric’s favorite hobby in Eric’s promotion when Eric was overseeing the bulk of what was going on.
Put on those headbands, kids – it’s time to learn how to sweep the leg!
Our first participant of the evening would be Meng, or as you also may know him, King Haku. He still isn’t coming with crown as illustrated, but has instead wrapped himself in what appears to be a table cloth nabbed from the local Egg Roll #1. So you know he means business.
I should note he is accompanied to the ring by Col. Rob Parker, who may be my all-time most underrated manager. Sweet Christmas did I love that guy’s schtick. Part southern gentleman, part gambler, part swindler, I could listen to him ramble on for hours end. It’s a shame he never got a chance to really shine in WWE. That stuff with he and Jeff Jarrett just kinda sucked.
(Fun fact! On WrestleCrap Radio, I attempted to channel the Colonel when we introduced Bob Carter (Dixie’s father) on the show. The fact that you likely don’t even remember that character on our program should tell you all you need to know about how there is only one Tennessee Stud.)
Back to the match, any guesses as to who Meng’s opponent in this karate clash would be?
Maybe someone from the ORIENT, like Ultimo Dragon?
Perhaps a fellow black belt like Ernest “The Cat” Miller?
…it’s Hacksaw Jim Duggan!
Apparently, when one heads into a Martial Arts Match, the combatant is allowed to bring a 2×4 with him. But ONLY if said board is painted white.
Can someone get me a martial arts rulebook? That doesn’t make any sense to me.
Nor does this sign. I’m not sure what’s more distressing – the fact the kid was either too lazy or too dumb to actually spell out “President” or his little brother’s outfit with the plunging neckline.
I mean, WCW didn’t really sell those to children, did they?
Next we are introduced to the special guest referee, and holy CRAP, it’s SONNY OONO! This has to be like his first appearance ever in the company. Hard to believe the guy who looks like he’s about to fall asleep in the picture above would be a mainstay in WCW for years to come. Remember when he managed Bull Nakano in that match with Madusa at Road Wild, and said he’d ride his motorcycle like a kamikaze into the ring?
Eh, that’s probably for the best.
Regardless, he lays down the law to Duggan, explaining to him that prior to the action, he would first need to bow down in a show of respect to his foe. He helpfully did so by pointing to the ground and saying, and I quote, “YOU BOW.”
If you guessed yelling “HOOOOOO!!!” then pointing at the camera, step right up and claim your prize.
Finally after a good two minutes of getting the crowd to yell not only “HO” but also “USA”, Hacksaw was ready to get this thing underway. Unfortunately, he thought he was in a sumo match, and stomped his foot on the mat as if he were Yokozuna. Somewhere backstage I am sure John Tenta just shook his head.
Man I miss you, Quake.
So we get more stalling until finally Duggan bowed as requested.
And Haku just kicked him right in the face.
Like you, I saw that coming the whole time, and I still laughed my fool head off.
So Haku takes control early, but undeterred, Duggan goes deep into his bag of tae kwan doe knowledge to counter attack. And by that, I mean he took off his shoe and hit Meng in the head with it.
Really glad I am watching this – I would have for sure thought that would have been illegal.
In fact, Duggan doesn’t take off just one shoe, but both of them to use as weapons. No idea why he felt the need to do that. I mean, he didn’t put them on both his hands and start throwing chops or anything. No, he just hit Meng with one shoe a couple times, dropped it, then decided to pull the other off and use that one instead. He did the same with the second boot.
I hope no one gets offended by my saying this, but Duggan appears to be the dumbest man alive.
The martial artistry continues, as Meng takes over by choking Hacksaw in the corner. Again, I would have thought that to be a certain rule violation…
…but Sonny was right there checking the validity of all attacks in this match. And if you can’t trust Sonny Onoo, who can you trust?
The nerve hold pictured above had Duggan just about down and out. So much so that Onoo did the old “check to see if the guy’s arm drops three times” gimmick.
Of course that usually took place when the weakened competitor was unconscious. Here, Duggan’s eyes are wide open as he watches Sonny drop his arm! In fact, Duggan literally watched his OWN ARM GO DOWN twice before giving us a thumbs up.
I’ve been watching wresting for over 30 years, and I have never, EVER seen that one before.
Finally Duggan is able to escape Haku’s grip, and mount a counter offensive, landing several big punches and backing the big guy up. He then goes for the biggest move in the match, namely a head butt.
A head butt to a guy from Tonga.
And that goes every bit as well as you’d expect.
Again, I won’t lie – I laughed for like five minutes straight when I saw that.
I am going to keep that GIF at the ready any time I am having a bad day. Like I could find out my car was stolen, fire that thing up, and I wouldn’t care at all. That’s just tremendous.
Duggan then falls half way out of the ring, allowing Parker to use his handkerchief as a strangling device. Duggan may have been an idiot here, but his facials are off the charts. I could watch him doing stupid stuff all day and never, ever get bored.
Yeah, just like that.
The match comes to its conclusion when Sonny grabs Duggan by one arm, Parker grabs him by the other, and then Meng super kicks him right in the chops.
Which leads to the inevitable pin.
Hmmm…Jordan will be there Saturday. Blade will be there. If each of them grabs an arm, and I can go to work. The only question…is Eric Bischoff as dumb as Hacksaw Jim Duggan was here?
We find out in two weeks!