Not sure I’ve ever done it before, but if I haven’t, it would be a crime to let my love for Randy Savage go unmentioned. Back when I first was getting into wrestling, there was simply no one cooler than the “Macho Man.” Not just in wrestling – on the entire planet known as earth. He was a bad ass rulebreaker that everyone loved to hate, a total dick that was so out of control that whenever he appeared on screen, you just had to watch. Sure, his babyface turn took away a lot of the fun, but still…he was Randy freakin’ Savage.
After all, it wasn’t like he was pussing out and dropping to his knee asking Elizabeth to marry him or something.
Oh yeah. I totally forgot (well, tried to forget) about that. Especially given the fact that he couldn’t even pronounce his fiancee’s name.
Who the hell was Elizabett?
Eh, what can you do?
I tell you what we can do…
HAVE A BACHELOR PARTY!!!
If anything could restore the Macho to our Man, it would have to be the time honored tradition of getting hammered and rubbing all over skanks. And what better place to do it than on the WWF flagship show of the era, Prime Time Wrestling?
And you know what? I bet, I just bet, for this special occasion, our hero would ditch the goofball cowboy hats and fringe and return to the headbands and flowing robes that made him such a hit back in 1986.
Well, crap. I guess not.
And as if that weren’t bad enough, over the next two hours, he reminded us that he was getting married approximately 1,387 times.
That’s not so macho, Macho.
Still, there was quite a crew on hand for this shindig. Check out this guest list: The Bushwhackers, Gorilla Monsoon, Roddy Piper, Bobby Heenan, and Slickster were all present and accounted for.
Plus there was Koko B. Ware (proclaiming his love for yours truly in headband form)…
…and this girl (???)…
…and this guy.
No, not Bushwhacker Luke, the guy behind him, looking totally stoned. I have no idea who that is, or why he was there.
Nor can I explain the appearance of ABE LINCOLN, although I am guessing by the time this whole thing was over, he was trying to flag down John Wilkes Booth while putting a target on his chest.
Or at least asking the stoned guy to pass the peace pipe.
Sounds pretty lame, right? Well what if I told you that Bobby Heenan was in charge of entertainment for the evening?
I promise you this – if I had my bachelor party to do all over again (and for the record, my bachelor party consisted of myself and three friends going to King’s Island for the day – yes, I am a wild man), and I could get THE BRAIN to host it, I would be all over that.
Especially if he brings along Budweasels (I suppose that’s his drink of choice, as there are cases of it all over the place).
And so the Brain brings out the first lady of the night: ZO-HA, THE HIGH PRIESTESS OF LOVE!
I’m not 100% sure, but I think that might actually be Paula Abdul. On second thought, given the way she danced, it was more like Paula Abdullah (the Butcher).
I will say this: you have not truly lived until you’ve seen Randy Savage attempt to clap along to a Moroccan ditty with all the rhythm of Kelly Kelly.
I mean, sure, it’s a given you’re not going to outdance the Slickster…
…but when Jameson is out-bustin’ your groove, it’s time to put your sequinned cowboy hat on and mosey off into an equally sequinned sunset.
Speaking of sequinned cowboy hats, it wouldn’t be long before Macho would accessorize with feathers so fruity that even Elton John would say, “Um, no. That’s far too queer.”
Back to the entertainment, as Roddy Piper decides it’s his turn to show Savage a good time.
Wow, that sentence sounded totally wrong.
What I meant was it was time for Roddy Piper to introduce Savage to his lady friend Autumn. Now this whore did things right, shimmying and shaking as she popped out of a giant cake.
To anyone young, nubile, wannabe strippers out there: that’s how ya does it.
High comedy ensued as all the guys gawked and hooted and hollared as if they were teenagers seeing their first boob as opposed to grown men staring at a somewhat more risque Federette (and major props to any of you that get that reference).
The real kicker here would be the guy you’d think would be least likely to be a perv, Monsoon, making a beeline for poor Autumn and starting up a game of Gorilla Grab Ass.
She better look out, or he might lube up her medial collateral lateral protuberance.
Just as things were starting to get good, Bobby Heenan was informed there was a SECURITY BREECH of some sort. So The Brain hightails it downstairs and runs headfirst into…
Oh hell yeah: Jake Roberts! You can’t have a party without the snake man!
Or maybe you can. It seems Roberts was not invited to the party, and was mad that he had wasted his time showing up.
Now why, exactly, Jake would show up to a party he wasn’t invited to and then bitch about how he wasn’t invited and therefore everyone wasted his time is beyond my comprehension.
I’d say probably because he was tanked, but he didn’t whip out Damien, stick him between his legs and start spanking it, so maybe it was time for his bi-annual sobriety weekend.
It’s probably for the best, though, as back at party central, everyone is totally off their rocker, to the point that Jameson voices his concern.
Can’t really argue with the guy, either, as the stoner dude now has a fish (???) which he attempts to shove inside other fish (???!!!).
Don’t ask me, I just report the crap, I don’t write it.
Sadly, the party comes to an end, but not before the Bushwhackers wheel out another cake. While Butch and Luke loudly proclaim it’s all for Randy, Heenan calls trump, proclaiming that he is the host of Prime Time, and thus should be first in line for what’s inside the cake.
Cue the laugh track!
Sure enough, it’s an Oinkette (double points if you got that one!), who molests poor Bobby, all the while claiming that she loves Vince McMahon.
See, it hasn’t been just recently that all the women love Vince!
And thus, the party comes to a close. Savage would go onto marry Liz , have his arm gnawed on by a snake, win about 73 world titles in the WWF and WCW, do a rap album, and then get his ass kicked by Spiderman.
And that guy’s not in the WWE Hall of Fame? For shame!
– Randy Savage: “Elizabett! Elizabett! Will You Marry Me?”
– Savage: “I’m gettin’ married, yeah!”
– Jameson: “LISTEN TO ME!”
Savage: “LISTEN TO HIM!”
Jameson: “Everyone’s crazy!”
– Oinkette:”Vince! Vince McMahon!”
Heenan: “I’m not Vince McMahon!”
Oinkette: “I LOVE YOU!”