Since day one here at WrestleCrap.com, I’ve known that an integral feature on the site needed to be in-depth reviews of horrible movies starring wrestlers. Ever since I saw No Holds Barred back in 1989, I was scarred for life, and I wanted others to be equally scarred. Look back into the archive, and you will find such gems as Santa with Muscles, Mr. Nanny, The Wrestler (starring not Mickey Rourke, but Verne Gagne!), Ready to Rumble, Body Slam, and a zillion other piles of crap I’ve wasted not only hours watching, but tons more writing about, doing screen grabs, sound pulls, and all that.
I do it because it’s the ultimate to me – it’s horrible wrestling combined with horrible cinema. I dare ask, what could possibly make them better?
Three words, then a number and letter jammed together: Hulk Hogan in 3D!
In the interest of full disclosure, I didn’t watch this in its native multidimensional format. The disc I got was just Little Hercules. I was half tempted to watch it whilst wearing an old pair of red and blue glasses. Maybe it would have made it a better experience, not sure. What I am sure of is that this is a rotten, festering, heaping pile of celluloid crap.
Just the kinds I likes.
You know that you’re not exactly in for the next It’s a Wonderful Life when you get an opening sentence of “On the day that time began, the heavens were filled with flaming fireballs, a million billion stars, and one special place.”
Only 30 seconds in and I’m already firing up Audio Hijack to do my dirty work. This could take a while.
So the credits roll (which last about 10 minutes, no doubt to milk the “3D” effects they paid top dollar for) and what a case is on stage for our enjoyment today. Elliot Gould, Judd Nelson, Robin Givens…Paul (Big Show) Wight…and Nick Hogan. NICK HOGAN, ladies and gentlemen. The Hulkster, of course, is in this as well, portraying Zeus.
In the interest of not making this review 85,000 words, I will pass on making any jokes about the following:
– Rock being in a new Hercules movie
– Ray Hernandez as Hercules Hernandez
– The irony of Hulk Hogan being Zeus instead of Tiny Lister
So we meet Little Hercules, a very sad looking kid who doesn’t look very Herculean at all. As I was watching this, Mrs. Deal was next to me and chastised me for calling him “Little Paunchy”. “Don’t make fun of the kid,” she noted. “Just say he should probably have worn a shirt.” Mrs. Deal, she’s always the angel on my shoulder telling me to do the right thing.
Thankfully, even with her years of experiencing such travesties by my side, she could take no more than 3 minutes of this torture, so Little Paunchy it is.
And here’s the thing about Little Paunchy – he’s, well, very strange. Sporting not only the physique of your average 13 year old who’s skipped the whole Happy Meal phase for the Double Quarter Pounder flab fest plan, he has the voice of a dude in his mid 20’s, and the tired, world weary face of a burned out 30 something stoner.
(Also, it’s odd that he looks like this, as apparently the actor, Richard Sandrak, was ripped from the age of six. SIX! Seriously, here’s a documentary on him, wherein it is alleged his parents were loading him up on…ummm…well, not big bowls of Cheerios. You can be the judge. As for me, I’ll just say he’s anything but ripped in here, and I’m going to get back to the film, k?)
Soon enough, we get to meet up with the Zeuster, Hogan all decked out in a papaw beard & wig. He and Paunchy have a Little Mermaid argument – you know, the one where the kid wants to be human, and the adults says no. Heck, Lil Paunchy even says he wants to learn to dance. DANCE! That’s his number one argument for being a human. Pretty sure Ariel wanted to do that too. And you know, come to think of it, Zeus in here looks quite a bit like King Triton.
So the kid whines and cries, and his mom rolls her eyes (seriously) in concern. Simultaneously, Elliot Gould shows off far too much of his aging upper body. the combination of all this leads Zeus to scream “NO!!!” and throw lighting bolts.
At the kid?
At his annoying old lady?
At Elliot’s sagging pectorals?
Right at me, the viewer.
What did I ever do to deserve that?
(And yes, I am well aware that it’s just an age old cheap tactic to show off 3D effects, thanks for asking.)
During the family squabble, Big Show makes his appearance as Marduke (sadly not MARMADUKE), another god (from Babylon) who has all the same powers as Zeus. The two showcase said similarities by throwing lighting and fireballs at each other.
All that’s missing a “shoryuken!” and you’d have Street Fighter.
Meaning Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game.
Wow did that thing suck.
So somehow during this mess, Lil Paunchy’s mom opens a portal for the kid to surfboard to earth, landing in a pool in HOLLYWOOD. Following this, Marduke and Zeus make a bet that the kid can’t last four days in Burbank. After nearly a decade and a half watching garbage like this, I have zero doubt hilarity will ensue.
It doesn’t take long for Paunchy to meet up with Curtis, and the two become friends thanks to Paunchy telling a dog to give the kid his skateboard back. I’d go into more detail, but a glance at the counter says I still have over an hour to go in this movie. If you really feel the need to know more about how a chubby kid from Mount Olympus talks to dogs, get the movie yourself.
Instead, let me introduce you to Curtis’ arch nemesis:
Yes, ladies and germs, the primary antagonist (well, mortal antagonist) on display today is none other than NICK HOGAN.
Or to be more exact, SPIKY HAIR NICK HOGAN!
This film appears to be a landing spot for all the Hogans, as Linda and Brooke also show up in cameos as well. Brooke is a singer (of course), and Linda is an office skank who just hangs out being skanky.
But the center stage is reserved for Spiky Nick, who is pummeled in short order by Paunchy after his attempts to bully Curtis. In an effort to repay him for his efforts, Curtis allows Paunchy to move in with him and his mom, Robin Givens. Yes, as in the former wife of Mike Tyson. In the meantime, Paunchy communicates with his dad via…well…the crapper.
And I’m so not kidding.
Well, it’s appropriate if nothing else.
So the kids go to school, and of course the school is closing, because, well, that’s what always happens in these stupid movies. Paunchy, of course, winds up on the track and field team, throwing discuss, javelin, whatever. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that somehow this leads to a meet where the school can reopen, because, again, that’s what always happens in these stupid movies.
And considering that Big Show materializes as the rival schools’ new track coach, I’m betting I’m on the right path.
We also get a subplot wherein we learn that Zeus’ wife is in cahoots with Marduke. They want to force Paunchy to use his sword, which will force him to stay there and Zeus will also be forced to move to Burbank. I’d go back and rewind to try to decipher how all this works, but I’m too entranced by the fact that we learn of this plot in a convenience store where Show is devouring copious amounts of microwave burritos and roller dogs.
Again, not kidding.
Now that he is on earth, eventually Paunchy loses his strength. This leads to him getting beat up by Spiky Nick. Zeus shows up and tells Paunchy to come back to Mount Olympus.
Paunchy looks sad (of course) and says no.
The counter says there’s still 34 minutes left.
For the record, I also look sad. Not as sad as Paunchy, but sad nevertheless.
Meanwhile, Robin Givens discovers that Paunchy is, in fact, Lil Hercules thanks to, no joke, NETSCAPE NAVIGATOR. This in a movie released in 2008. If she says she’s using a Compuserve account, all will be forgiven. She gives his sword to her new beau, MISTER REYNOLDS. No, it is not me. I, did, however, quiver with fear when Marduke screamed his/my name, demands the sword in a parking lot.
This somehow leads to my poor namesake falling off a roof as Zeus shows up and looks on in a bored manner. Thanks a lot, Hulk. Here’s hoping you’ll show a bit more concern if you see THIS Mr. Reynolds falling from the top of a building.
A parking lot battle ensues, as Zeus and Marduke throw each other into whatever dilapidated jalopies the producers of the film could find at the local junkyard. This doesn’t last long, though, as somehow we’re transported into an inferno scene and the gods charging at each other. And you know how that ends.
In a gloppy, messy, CGI explosion.
I can only imagine how glorious that would have looked in 3D.
Not very glorious at all, I am wagering.
But that still may be my favorite animated GIF I’ve made in the last 14 years.
So eventually we get the most hapless track meet you ever done seen. We get Paunchy jumping what appears to be about 18”, yet are told he’s leaped eleven feet.
Despite this feat of incredible athleticism, Spiky Nick jumps one whole inch further (amazingly somehow looking even more clumsy on his attempt). Just as all is about to be lost, Zeus’ wife shows up doing a dance and waving the sword. Now I’m not 100% sure, but…
…I think she wants him to use his sword.
At least I’m pretty sure that’s the case. I may have missed a subtle nuance here though.
Sure enough, Paunchy grabs the magic sword, and embraces his destiny – but get this, he chooses to be MORTAL! Because he has friends now, you see. Friends that cause him to look just as sad as he has the whole movie.
At this point, even the narrator is sounding bored by the whole thing. Take a listen.
So it finally comes down to archery, and as you’d suspect, Paunchy wins. And even when he wins, yeah, he looks kinda sad.
A new entrant has arrived – BABYLON HIGH!
Or Grade School!
Seriously, I have no idea how old any of these kids are supposed to be.
Anyway, the kid from Babylon is KINTARO.
I’d note how he doesn’t have four arms or is half tiger, but I already used up my fighting game nerd quotient earlier with that idiotic Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game mention. Next time I’ll learn to better ration such comments.
Before Paunchy can face off with Kintaro, he first runs into Marduke. Despite now being mortal and having no super human powers, Paunchy picks the big guy up and throws him right at us.
Again, I ask: what did I, the viewer, do to deserve that?
More of the world’s least athletic, most boring track meet follows. And yes, lil Paunch wins, as Big Show explodes in a fit of rage.
The movie then ends with the school closing (I guess, it was never that it was saved, so this movie even screwed that up) and with Paunchy and Zeus walking in the clouds. Just to add final insult to injury, Zeus asks, “WHO’S YOUR DADDY?” as he punches, yes, me, right in the face.
Eh, somehow that’s an appropriate ending.
And an appropriate way to celebrate another birthday here at WrestleCrap.com!