The tiny white text up there below the big green text up there is 100% correct.
I mean, seriously…look at this:
What could I possibly type that would live up to such majestic imagery?
I could write the next Grapes of Wrath and it would pale in comparison to that.
I mean, come on – it’s Lex Luger…in all his 1990 mulleted glory..dressed up as Superman!
Wait, what’s that?
It’s not actually Superman?
No, apparently Lex is actually SuperBOY.
Well, that kinda takes the lustre off it.
And honestly, I know very little about Superboy, other than the fact that a quick google search reveals this as one of the top matches:
Should this show contain Lex Luger dressed up as Superboy having a weightlifting competition with a monkey, I will never be happier in my whole life.
I’ll just sit here smiling all my remaining days, looking just like that completely hammered guy in the front row (seriously, look at those cheeks and tell me it’s not an alcohol flush reaction), who is no doubt thinking, “Look at that monkey! He can’t lift 2,000 pounds! Ho ho, tut tut!”
Come on monkey, bring your giant oversized barbells and show Superlex who is Public Chimp #1!
So yeah, this is from a television series called “The Adventures of Superboy”.
I have no recollection of this show, but apparently it ran for four or five years and was produced by Alexander Salkind, who did the first three Superman movies, which I do have a fond recollection of.
Well, at least the first two. That third one with Richard Pryor was all kinds of awful.
Despite the fact I have never seen this show until today, what I can glean from the opening credits of this particular episode is that the Salkinds must have blown the entire family fortune on those flicks. From the crappy special effects totheme music that had to have had John Williams speed dialing his lawyer, this thing screams “low budget” and is not instilling me with a lot of confidence.
Ah, but THAT does.
Special Guest Appearance by LEX LUGER!
I CAN’T WAIT!
But first, we have to go through our list of characters and see how many of them I recognize from my Superman connections.
Now thig guy I get – it’s Clark Kent. I figured this out because he looks just like Superman except he’s wearing glasses.
Oh, and the other characters all call him “Clark.”
I do have to admit to being more than a tad confused at this point, though: if the show is called SuperBOY, why is Clark in his mid 20’s?
Do Krytponians go through puberty in their 40’s?
Anyway, Clark, who is apparently a boy, mind you, has a JOB.
He works at, and I am not making this up, the Bureau of Extra Normal Matters.
THE BUREAU OF EXTRA NORMAL MATTERS!
Ok, I admit it: I am intrigued.
This would be Clark’s boss, C. Dennis Jackson.
Just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
Perry White he ain’t.
Things get better with Clark’s co-workers though, as he shares an office with a guy whose life goal is apparently to be Arsenio Hall.
I man, look at that suit.
Look at that hair.
If he starts doing wacky hand motions…
WOOF WOOF WOOF!
Finally, we get Lana Lang, who I do remember vaguely from the Superman cannon.
What is different about this particular Lana Lang is that she looks to be in her mid 40’s.
If the plot of this episode involves her going through menopause, I’m out of here, Lex Luger and barbells and monkeys or no.
Our story begins in earnest as a construction worker comes in with a rock, a rock he says is making noises.
“Noises?” scoffs C. Dennis Jackson. “Like words? Sentences? HAIKUS?!!“
Ah, but two weeks before the final WrestleCrap Radio ever, and at last we learn where Blade Braxton came up with the idea for closing our show!
So the dude turns around, someone runs into him, rock flies in the air, lands next to a desk and starts steaming.
All I can say is that since it is given the texture of that rock and its steaming nature, I am glad that rock isn’t brown.
Regardless, the site of this rock causes Clark to run into the hallway…
…so he can turn into Superboy by spinning around in place.
Yep, just like…
Who thought this was a good idea?
Yeah, what he said.
Superboy shows up, grabs said rock, which then begins to convulse in such a manner that it causes Superboy to convulse in such a manner that it makes the convulsions that Bela Legosi with that fake octopus in “Ed Wood” look lame by comparison.
End result: Superboy had a big gloppy green beard.
Now this isn’t any old big gloppy green beard, but a big gloppy green beard that causes our hero to hallucinate.
And by that I mean watch the same scene we just saw over again (which no doubt saved the now hard up Salkins some cash), but this time, with different results.
That’s the entire show, the same opening 90 seconds, then different endings.
For instance, in our first go ’round, instead of doing his Linda Carter impersonation and becoming Superboy, he instead decides to just remain as Clark and throw himself on top of the rock.
Unfortunately, this plan has an unexpected side effect.
It messes up his hair.
Which causes everyone to realize that Clark is actually Superman.
“Why did you hide it from me?” Lana asked.
“Um, I didn’t,” Clark replied. “I just wore my hair very slightly differently and you were too stupid to realize I was the same guy. It was actually a pretty horrible disguise when you stop and think about it.”
Ok, that’s not what he said. That was just my thoughts on the whole Superman/Superboy disguise, which is basically just a different hairdo and a pair of glasses, something that has never made a lick of sense to me.
I mean, let’s say you were going to rob a bank (not that we would endorse such behavior).
Would you put on a pair of glasses or a ski mask?
I rest my case.
Speaking of ridiculous hair, here’s this woman.
I have no idea what her role is here. I think she’s like a doctor or something, but I’m too fascinated by her utterly absurd ‘do to pay any attention to her dialogue.
Now if Clark had his normal hair, and when he changed identities Superboy had hair like that…well, then I could buy the whole glasses as a disguise bit.
Back to our story, the goo on Clark’s face is growing.
I hope it keeps growing and covers him completely, as I am pretty sure he would be a dead ringer for Jabba the Hutt.
If Haiti Kid shows up as Sy Snootles, I’d simply put this on a loop on my TV and never watch anything else again.
Professor Bunsen Wackydo decides to try to get rid of the green mess with a laser, and after about three minutes of trying (during which C. Dennis shakes his head disapprovingly), it EXPLODES!
And reveals that Superboy is actually a robot!
Let’s be honest. None of this really matters, right?
I mean all of you are just like me.
You are here for but one reason.
And that’s to hear THIS…followed by THIS:
LEX LUGER SHOWING UP AS SUPERBOY!
Sure enough, Superboy Luger cuts a promo on Superboy Not Luger using the exact same tone and inflection that he would if he were talking about an upcoming match with say, Ric Flair.
Don’t believe me? Just think back to Luger’s first big babyface run where he was taking on the Nature Boy, and listen to this clip.
He stops to hit on Lana, and at this point, Superboy knows he’s cooked.
He’s gotta be thinking, “There’s no way I can compete with this man. Those muscles. That beautiful blonde mullet. This guy is totally going to bag my girlfriend and beat the tar out of me.”
Which, of course, he does.
…and over again.
The beating is so severe, in fact, that Superboy EXPLODES into a billion pieces, requiring no less than three camera angles to capture all the shrapnel.
After that, Luger took over the series as the lead character and then fornicated with the middle-aged Lana Lang, all while talking about how Roos are shoes for his feet and pockets for his stuff. Because it was the early 90’s, and wrestlers did that back then.
Ok, that didn’t actually happen. Instead, Superboy had a couple more alternate realities, one of which looked to take place in the sulfur-ridden playground in which Pitch and his friends danced around in that Mexican Santa Claus movie…
…and then beat up a monster that appeared to be compiled solely of feces.
Yeah, I like my ending way better too.