Here’s an induction that amazingly has eluded the Wrestlecrap tractor-beam for far too long. From a long time ago, conceived in the mind of someone whose grasp on reality was far, far away, today we revisit the man who had THE best damn red antennae on his head in the history of the sport – Lazertron.

The year was 1987. Hoping to capitalize on the kiddie demographic, Captain James T. Crockett turned poor Hector Guerrero into a walking advertisement for one of the hottest toy crazes of the time, Worlds Of Wonder’s cheesy Lazer Tag game.

His gimmick was out of this world! (Please, shoot me now, and not with some stupid penlight gun.)

Seriously, he was supposedly from the future, the same future that brought us the New Breed during the same era.

You could’ve fooled me though, as everything about him reeked of 80’s planet Earth space-geek dorkdom. Whether it was his god-awful Herbie Hancock/Ron Jeremy inspired space-porn entrance music…

…or the embarrassing way he would flash intergalactic gang-signs.

Be forewarned, Space Bloods – the Space Crips (no, make that Space Craps) are comin’ for ya!

Despite looking like a total doofus, Lazer had enough ummph in his hyperdrive to pull off a shocker, winning the NWA Jr. Heavyweight title in one of his first appearances.

But just like that nerdy Lazer Tag kid pictured above, Lazer found himself lost and all alone due to the fact no one else had a Lazer Tag gun to play along with him.

Thankfully for our lonely superheroic do-gooder, he bonded with the Boogie Woogie Man, Jimmy Valiant. Valiant quickly tutored his outerspace buddy on the ways of the street, telling him to put down his laser gun, and live life a little.

Sadly, he lived life a little by fondling, groping, and tongue kissing Tony Schiavone on national television.

Perhaps in shame from having a hand in the first game of gay tonsil-hockey in the history of wrestling, Lazertron quietly disappeared from the scene, vacating his title belt in the process. He showed up one more time, warp-factoring into the heart of the Monday Night Wars for a quick cameo in 1997, before phoning home for good.

Almost twenty years later, I still don’t know what to think about Lazertron. Who was he really? Game playing and fad following dork of the eighties? A luchador nerd? A blazing time-traveller from the far-away future? A Schiavone-loving space-queen?

Perhaps he was a little bit of all those things. Well, I take that back. He sure as hell wasn’t from the future. If he was a real time-traveller from the future, he definitely would have gone back in time and applied a self-inflicted and fatal Vulcan neck pinch on himself, all to prevent himself from ever becoming, oh yes…

The Gobbledy Gooker!

Damn, some guys just can’t catch a break.

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