In many ways, WrestleCrap originally made its mark by being the place that unearthed obscure wrestling stuff that very few folks remembered. For instance, I’d post something like Max Moon and folks would email me and tell me stories about how they thought that was something only they remembered, or figured it was something out of a Nyquil-fueled fever dream. But there I was bringing back all those lost memories.
Over the years, that’s obviously changed. The advent of Google and YouTube and the like has made it a zillion times easier to find anything you want, including bizarre wrestling content. But today I get to harken back to the old days and give you something there seems to be next to no information about on these here interwebs. Today we talk KROZOR! 
Yes, KROZOR, something even I had never heard of prior to my appearance on a recent episode of Zeroes of Wrestling. Once I learned about it, I had to find it, and eBay came to the rescue with a far too pricey copy of the April 1997 WWF Magazine, which boldly proclaims on the cover IT’S HERE!!! And you know it must be serious as those words aren’t only in ALL CAPS, but they are followed by no less than three exclamation points. Back in the day for the low low price of $3.50 (or $4.50 if you were north of the border in Canada), you were getting not only all the latest info about WrestleMania 13, but also the exclusive debut of KROZOR.
But what, you may be asking, is KROZOR? Well, it’s a comic book. At least that’s what it appears to be, and this is the prologue for its run. Promising “The World Wrestling Federation in Cosmic Conflict”, the front cover features not only The Undertaker and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, but also what looks to be demons, some other demons, and then even more demons in an infernal hellscape. And is that Gillman in the background? I sure hope this doesn’t take me six ****ing hours to read!
Our story begins at WWF HQ, and we get Vader, Shawn, and Sid Vicious all working out. No doubt the first thing you are noticing is the…interesting…artwork on display. The backgrounds appear to be low res photos run through whatever filters were in Photoshop 3.1, while the characters themselves look like something that you might see at a high middle school art fair. All I can say is I hope Sid never saw this – he’d be appalled at the pitiful amount of weight he’s curling there!
In addition to lifting tiny weights, the guys also work out inside the ring. Here we see Yokozuna causing a ring to collapse under his immense weight while hurking up Vader, and someone I think is Sid piledriving or powerbombing or doing something to someone who may or may not be the love child of Goldust and the Staypuft Marshmallow Man. And if you look closely, we see the Undertaker in the background with lightning striking him in the skull, as he, and I am just quoting here, “ponders a message constantly beaming into his head.” FASCINATING!
Meanwhile he hangs out at the corporate gym as a woman, possibly Sunny, works the wing machine. At least I think that’s what it’s called, been a while since I had a Planet Fitness membership. Anyway, Undertaker “is drawn to the window and stares up at the night sky.” Not sure who put those windows in at HQ, but they look more like funhouse mirrors. If I was Vince, I’d be looking for a refund.
So apparently Taker is looking out the window and into the universe. “Six thousand light years away, in the constellation Cygnus, a huge star circles an invisible, cannibalistic parter – a black hole – swallowing and devouring all that falls within its ultimate gravitational pull. This, then, is the blackest and most dense thing in our universe – anything that falls into this monster force can never return – bound to perish unseen in a space and time beyond our own.” Before you can ask, “What in tarnation in this gobbledy gook”, with the good Lord above as my witness and I am not making this up we flip the page and find…
…ALBERT EINSTEIN! Because when you think about what a WWF comic book should debut with, you naturally think the father of modern physics. “Will our universe expand forever,” the comic asks of its reader, “or will it fall back to the tiny particles which created the original heat and force of the BIG BANG.”
“Are black holes gateways to other universes?” the following page queries. Before I can even attempt to answer this metaphysical question, one page flip later we are witness to…
…”the supreme leader of the World Wrestling Federation – Vincent K. McMahon.” Yes kids, we went from Albert Einstein to black holes to Vince in the span of three pages. Not only that, he now has a GIANT DEFORMED HAND. He actually kinda looks like Gumby! Not gonna lie, I have no earthly idea what I am reading but I seriously can’t wait to see what comes next.
And what comes next would be SPIN ART UNDERTAKER! I was going to note that he too has deformed hands, but they’re more accurately described as claws, or even MORE accurately described as talons. Half-man, half bird! Maybe Undertaker really should have been what came out of that egg at Survivor Series ’90.
So Taker tells Vince of these messages of an unknown language from an unknown universe, and Vince is like, “Uh, what?” Undertaker continues to tell Vince of more, and I honestly am not sure what is creepier – the dead man with his face cut in half or the fact that while this discussion continues, Sunny just keeps right on lifting weights in the background on a video screen in Vince’s office. You can almost hear him screaming, “LIFT! LIFT! Keep lifting and don’t stop until I say so dammit!!”
As the universe is splintering before our eyes, Batman’66 villain Egghead makes an appearance and…wait, that’s supposed to be Stone Cold? Are you serious bro?
And the whole thing wraps up with the Undertaker accompanied with giant text that simply says “THEY’RE COMING!!” Which is of course a lie, as this was the only issue of KROZOR ever produced. For my part, though, all I can say is well done Wayne J. and Neville M. Meyer – I may never have heard of KROZOR before, and even after reading this have no clue what on earth he/she/it is, but rest assured, I will always remember the name!