The year 2002 was not a good year for wrestling.
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin left WWE after a falling out with the creative department. The Rock headed for Hollywood. Hulk Hogan fulfilled his contractual obligations and went home. Buyrates plummeted, ratings were in a freefall, and wrestling became a decidedly un-cool thing to watch.
Vince McMahon knew he had to do something drastic to bring back viewers. So he concocted one of the most outlandish, idiotic, and insulting storylines of all time.
Surely that would make people come back. Right? RIGHT?!
The angle started off horribly enough, with HHH accusing Kane of being a mur-diddly-urder-er!
Kane is shocked and/or appalled by Hunter’s claim. It’s kind of hard to tell with that mask on, you know.
Backstage, Nipples befriends Kane, urging the Big Red Machine to go out and tell the fans the truth. Inspired by her gravity defying melons, the big guy agrees and heads to the ring.
The evil dentist turned Kevin Nash wannabe turned burn victim begins to relate his side of things. You see, he didn’t kill her. He just couldn’t drive a stick shift. Oh, and he swerved to avoid a small animal in the road.
Suddenly, that no good son of an American blueblood comes out to once again spoil the party, this time claiming that Kane not only murdered Katie Vick, but raped her rotting corpse as well!
The Game claimed to have footage of the incident, and decided to air it on the next episode of Raw.
As I look at the disclaimer to the left, I believe that the word “some” should be replaced by the word “all”.
Oh, and “Discretion” should be replaced by “Changing the Channel.”
Cue the “footage” from 1992, of Katie lying in her casket at the funeral home.
In comes “Kane”, obviously Hunter under a mask, who begins arguing with “Katie” (a mannequin) about the cause of her death. Then he suddenly goes bi-polar, and proclaims his undying love.
All this would have been creepy enough, but suddenly, “Katie” tells “Kane” that he wants him.
“Kane” then proceeds to grope the dead girl’s boobies…
…and remove her panties, stopping to take a whiff.
Yeah, this isn’t offensive or anything.
“Kane” then strips buck nekked, hops in the casket, and slips her the salami.
In the afterglow, he proceeds to proclaim some weird sort of carnal victory, followed by the single dumbest line ever to be muttered on a pro wrestling show.
“Kane” then threw some noodles and spaghetti sauce at the camera.
Still, there must be at least ONE person on the planet who thought it was funny.
The real Kane was so enraged about this that during the main event of the evening, he waited outside the ring for a tag. He was going to kill HHH, but by God, he was going to do it while abiding to the rules of tag team wrestling!
Rest assured that he held the tag rope. He held that tag rope TIGHT, in a FURIOUS manner.
Finally, at the end of the show, he threw Hunter in the trunk of his car, promising to screw him when he was dead.
I guess that was supposed to be some weird ironic payback.
To me, though, it just smacked of gay.
Hunter, though, crafty as can be, slipped out of the trunk of the car.
The angle continued on despite the fact that the fans REALLY hated it. The next week, HHH brought a casket to ringside. Inside the coffin was everyone’s favorite CPR dummy turned pro wrestling character, Katie Vick.
Hunter gently lifted the dead cheerleader out of the casket, giving Jerry Lawler a thrill as the camera caught a glimpse of her panties.
He then brought her into the ring, and did the worst ventriliquist act in the history of man. Somewhere, Sherri Lewis was rolling over in her grave.
You know, if you need to have a MANNEQUIN, voiced by YOURSELF, put over your bedroom prowess, you just MIGHT have an ego problem.
He also railed against those who said the angle was in bad taste (basically the rest of the world).
But this time, it wasn’t HHH doing the ventriliquist work. It was obvious that in this instance, Vince had his hand up Hunter’s ass, telling him exactly what to say to his detractors.
The fun wasn’t over quite yet, as Kane’s buddy Hurricane claimed to have footage of what really happened after HHH was locked in the trunk.
Let’s head over to the “local hospital” where HHH (in reality a guy with a Hunter cut outs for a face) had objects removed from his anal cavity.
And what did they pull out of HHH’s rectum? Why a HAND, of course.
When you’re stealing jokes from Mae F***ing Young, it’s time to hang it up.
This all led up to one more idiotic punchline, as the crack medical squad pulled Hunter’s head out of his ass.
Too bad no one pulled Vince’s out of his.
And you know the saddest part of all? Vince McMahon, the mastermind behind the angle, was SHOCKED when ratings plummeted. He was sure that this would be the angle that got people talking, and once again watching Raw.
It didn’t. And still, two years later, Vince has yet to figure out how to get the company to rebound.
HHH: “How happy is Katie Vick? That’s right, I know it all. Ten years ago, you killed her! You are a MURDERER!!”
Kane: “Katie Vick was a friend of mine and Katie Vick is dead. But I didn’t kill her. It was an accident. I am NOT a murderer!”
Fake Kane: “What’s that? Now that you’re dead, you want me? Oh, I’m going to! I’m going to give you what you always wanted, Katie!”
Fake Kane: “I really did it. I really did! I screwed your brains out!”
HHH: “Well Katie, it’s nice to finally meet you after all this time.”
“Katie”: “Well it’s nice to meet you too, Triple H. And let me tell you something – good God are you sexy!”
“Katie”: “Well it turns out that Kane had a…Kane had a…a burnt little weiner.”
HHH: “If you were seriously offended, I seriously don’t give a damn. If you didn’t like it, you can kiss my ass! I will do what I want to do, when I want to do it!”
Not Spoken, but Somehow Heard: “Because I’m Vince McMahon, Damn It!”