I know what you’re thinking as you see the image above – a Kane vs. Big Show match, even a bad one, can’t really be WrestleCRAP, can it? Even if they blew a bunch of spots or whatever, these two are seasoned pros and surely a random encounter on a random Raw shouldn’t really classify as induction material.
To which I say, child please – read the title of this induction a bit closer.
This wasn’t any old wrestling match – it was Kane vs. the Big Show in a TECHNICAL WRESTLING EXHIBITION.
These two men weren’t going to be throwing haymakers, they were going to show the world just how skilled their mat work truly could be.
Sounds like a recipe for disaster?
You betcha!
This fiasco would have taken place shortly after Kane and Big Show lost the WWE tag team titles, a reign of which I have literally no recollection. Maybe…maybe I should go back and investigate said reign? Tell you what, if this here match turns out to be good, I will hunt down some of their title defenses.
Given that I have already written a giant INDUCTION: preceding this particular bout, I wouldn’t hold my breath.
A quick check of the calendar shows us a May 8 air date, which means it was just 11 days away from May 19. For the uninformed of you out there, May 19, 2006 would have been the original release date for Kane’s first ever movie, See No Evil. This celluloid masterpiece may have given us such reviews as “as shallow as a toilet bowl and twice as rank as its usual contents” (which we included in The WrestleCrap Book of Lists!), but even I have to give WWE credit for making sure that everyone knew when it was hitting theaters as they beat that date over fans’ heads for seemingly months on end with an ongoing storyline.
You reading this? If someone says May 19 to you, admit it – you think of Kane.
Don’t lie.
But hey, I’m sure that won’t come into play here.
Big Show moseys on down to the ring next, and make no mistake about it, this guy is in full-on babyface mode.
Why one can almost hear Vince McMahon at the gorilla position telling poor Paul Wight, “Remember pal – you can’t smile enough. Smile dammit! Smile!!”
For his part, Kane looks nearly as enthused as I at such antics performed by this 500 pound giant.
Also, this just in – Kane is an ugly, ugly man.
I’d be worried about being called out for such a statement in this day and age, but pretty sure he was aiming for that look here. So bravo to him.
Being former tag team partners, Show reaches out to give Kane a handshake, which the Big Red Machine refuses.
He follows up with attempting a fist bump. After looking at him cock-eyed (or is that cross-eyed?), he obliges.
Who knew these two were prototype pandemic poster boys?
Heading over to the ropes, Show…does…something.
I think – think – he is stretching, perhaps loosening up for this athletic encounter.
That or he’s doing the world’s least enthusiastic Ultimate Warrior impersonation.
So the match starts and we get a go behind, followed up with a takedown and what I believe is supposed to be a front chancery. Chastise me if you must for not knowing precisely what these moves are supposed to be, but I’m pretty sure these guys weren’t certain either.
Following that display of grappling excellence, Kane bounces off the rope to attack, only to be taken down by an honest to goodness DROP TOE HOLD.
Let me repeat that – a DROP TOE HOLD FROM THE BIG SHOW.
So thrilled is Show at his catch as catch can mastery, he does a little dance to show his deft footwork.
Thinking if I had the choice between a technical match or a dance off between these two, I’d pick the latter.
Naturally, the trademark of any terrible wrestling match follows, as we get, yes, you guessed it, a TEST OF STRENGTH. On this recent run of horrendous matches I’ve been inducting lately, I am pretty sure at least one test of strength is in all of them. And in their defense, this one is better than the ones Arcidi and Atlas did.
Something else Arcidi and Atlas failed to do?
Whatever the (inset your favourite expletive here) this is.
Even good ol’ JR seems completely baffled at this point: “I swear to you folks, this is not the match I thought we were going to see.” He follows that up by telling how much he is enjoying it.
Far be it to for me to call JR a liar but…
…somewhere I hear Blade Braxton screaming “JIM!”
Kane gives us a hammerlock, and now Jerry Lawler is equally puzzled, noting “I’ve seen him with a real hammer before, but I’ve never seen him use a hammerlock!”
Well, there’s probably a reason for that, as we get what Jim calls a drop toe hold, followed by the weirdest looking “float over” in the history of this great business.
Show then builds up a head of steam and runs straight for Kane. This is where you’d expect in any other match for old baldy to just move out of the way.
But not here.
No, instead he attempts to school Show in the finer arts of the drop toe hold.
He fails spectacularly of course, but I think that was the goal.
This thrilling display of grappling has the fans so enthralled they start up a half hearted “boring” chant, with Ross noting they are growing “restless.”
You say tomato, I say sucky match.
With his foe stumbling about, Kane heads to the top rope, but is interrupted in his endeavour with a wacky fire video, bellowing something about May 19. This of course causes him to go completely crazy and wallop Show with a chair, bringing our technical tour de force to a premature end.
As I saw Kane ascend high above the ring, inspiration struck. What if…what if…these two followed up this with an AERIAL match? Why in my mind’s eye, I can picture Kane starting off the bout with a tope suicida, and Big Show countering with an Asai moonsault. Maybe we even get a shooting star press or two.
I mean, sure it would be terrible…but so was this, right?